Although we hate to #humblebrag, your faithful denizens at Good Bull Hunting world headquarters enjoy a rather friendly relationship with the administration over in College Station. So close, in fact, that Coach Sumlin occasionally asks us to consider sensitive matters, such as the scripting of the first 15 plays against Arkansas, or advice on helping refine his Old Fashioned recipe. (Only two dashes of bitters – never, ever any more.)
So when he asked us to take a look at his Spring Break postcards, we of course responded in the affirmative. It would seem Coach is encouraging some of his players and colleagues to really take advantage of their time off, refocus, and hit the ground running upon their various returns.
The decision to publish a few excerpts from the letters was difficult, but we felt it gave a true glance into the heart and mind of where "CKS" is headed into year two in College Station.
To: Kirby Ennis, suspended defensive tackle
Kirbs! As we both know, our defensive line depth is thinner than Bob Stoops’ non-existent upper lip at the moment. You not only played great last year, you’re our only returning tackle with any experience as we enter the fall – so seriously, have a great break, enjoy Mexico, crush some Coronitas for me and I’ll try to make your reinstatement press conference an easy one. Just act like you’re really sorry, totes worked for me when I finally escaped that erector-set Conference USA setup in Houston.
To: Dave South, ostensibly octogenarian Voice of A&M
Dave, hey buddy, been great getting to know you over the last year. Since for some reason all of our game tape has your calls dubbed over it, we’ve grown quite familiar with your work. Couple of quick suggestions: 1. On offense, maybe just call every other play? Might be easier to keep up with, especially at our breakneck pace. 2. ‘That Guy’ graduated. Sucks, I know, but we’ll get through it. 3. Under no circumstance attempt to pronounce Nathan Gutekunst. Just trust me on this one.
To: Johnny Manziel, Heisman winner, all-around luminary
Johnathan, been a great first week of practice and nice to see you back on campus. Remember to keep that right hip rotating through on those intermediate passes, it will really keep the velocity up in the 15-25 yard range. Now, more importantly, NEVER split tens again – this shit is going to get you killed. I know it worked last weekend in Shreveport, and you had a good little session at the Wynn in February, and blah blah blah – seriously, this run of cards is not going to last forever. I’ll continue to invest in this little blackjack consortium of yours, but you have GOT to show a little restraint.
Also, put me down for a G on the natty, Venetian has us at 12:1.
To: Jake Spavital, 27 year-old brand new quarterbacks coach
Jake, don’t screw this up. Seriously. Or I will fight you.
To: Mark Emmert, NCAA President
Mr. Emmert, I respectfully disagree that allowing our largest booster to manufacture a gold-plated Johnny Football-edition Cristal bottle, sell it on eBay to Bucky Richardson for one dollar, agree to a lawsuit by the Manziel’s, then immediately settle out of court for 2 million dollars in cash to be deposited directly into Johnny’s offshore account constitutes ‘the most egregious flaunting of NCAA rules we have ever seen.’ Hell, I was at Oklahoma when Rhett Bomar was there - did you know the Winstar basically exists to launder Sooner athletes’ meal money? Anyways, would appreciate you taking another look into the situation, I know the reading light in the Maldives can be difficult.
To: Floyd Raven, hopeful A&M defensive back
Floyd Sr. - enjoyed watching you practice at safety this week. Remember, the term ‘safety’ in essence means you’re the last line of defense, so your explanation of ‘I tried to follow whatever guy in the other jersey who seemed to be closest’ doesn’t always quite fit within the specific scheme we’re trying to run. Maybe get with Coach Snyder, review what Cover 1 and Cover 2 entail, and remember – socks BEFORE shoes. You’re on the right track.
To: Mack Brown, disgruntled Texas Longhorn coach
Mack-Y! Hey, no hard feelings I hope about grabbing all those recruits you offered, you would not believe how intense these guys are in the SEC. Just the other day, Saban called me up and was screaming about some 6th grader in his camp having ‘just awful quick-twitch hips’; he actually started making death threats before his compliance guy was able to get him off the phone. Really weird stuff. Anyways, it’s nothing personal, I just happen to have one of those super-incentive based contracts, you know how Aggies are slow to pay market value for these things. Tell Sally I said hello, and I know the LHN is hurting for programming - would love to do a little Cotton Bowl recap if time allows.
To: Shaun Ward, A&M linebacker
Two words: Veggie. Cleanse.