WES ENTERS ROOM, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO TYPE IN AN EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT’S POSSIBLE. THE AUDIENCE IS EXCITED TO SEE HIM.
VES: Hi everybody!
AUDIENCE: Hi, Wes!
I SAID EXCITED. THIS DOES NOT SOUND EXCITED.
VES: How you do?
AUDIENCE: We’re GREAT!
YOU GET ONE MORE CHANCE, MENTAL EXTRAS.
VES: OK! Well, today in Wildcard Segment, we are going to make for talking about the death race!
AUDIENCE: OH BOY!
VES: Ye-es! Because the @mysmithereens ask me question about three former Aggie Running Backs! He so zany with his set up for American style internet musing, I have to make attempt at answer!
CAMERA FADES TO BLACK
CAMERA FADES BACK IN TO WES, NOW TYPING IN A NORMAL TONE IN YOUR HEAD. THE AUDIENCE HAS BEEN VAPORIZED FOR A LACK OF ENTHUSIASM.
"If C.Mike, Jorvorskie & Jamar are dropped by helicopter into Acapulco without supplies, which makes it back to B/CS, alive, first?"
This is an odd scenario, Sterling. Oh, and I like it. Are they in their current condition, or all three in their prime? Since this is never going to happen anyway (I’m looking at you TLC, you alone would do this so get to work) I’ll assume that they’re all in prime athletic condition.
In terms of pure speed, I’m going to have to go with C-Mike. I would think he’d have a distinct advantage in that department. Toombs was a big battering ram with some speed, it’s true. We all loved watching it, but I don’t know if that equips him for the escape through Mexico and up through Texas home with no supplies. Though, Mr. Toombs is very good with costumes and disguises. Remember when he scared RC at that press conference? Maybe he’d make a good con-man.
With nothing else to back it up, I go with J-Train by about 5 hours, followed by C-Mike. Toombs would later call in from Acapulco to the President claiming Mexico as the 51st State.
CAMERA FADES TO BLACK
CAMERA FADES IN TO GOOD BULL HUNTING NEWS HEADQUARTERS. GBHNHQ LOOKS LIKE THE SET OF THE O’REILLY FACTOR HAD A BABY WITH THE LAB ROOMS FROM CSI: MIAMI AND THE RAVE SCENE FROM BAD BOYS II. CAMERA FADES BACK IN TO ANCHORMAN WES DAVIS. HE’S HEARD IN THE VOICE OF CHRIS HANSEN IN YOUR HEAD.
It was a quiet Thursday afternoon. I sat down to peruse my Twitter feed and enjoy the various questions posed to me by loyal Good Bull Hunting readers when I stumbled upon a tweet that included me in a conversation with GBH authors @DerekAggie06, @JZimmerman11, and @CoolHandLucas. The following represents a more NSFW line of commentary, reader discretion is advised. For the sake of our more sensitive readers, certain terms have been replaced with derivatives of the phraise “TAKE HER TO AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL.”
HATES CRIS HANSEN BIT, ENDS IT, CARRIES ON WITH THE CENSORSHIP ESTABLISHED IN THE PRIOR PARAGRAPH
So the bit began when I expanded a tweet from Derek claiming that this was more of a question for me. Naturally, my curiosity was now overwhelming, so I read the first one in the string from @jzimmerman11 responding to @coolhandlucas:
“I.. I, um.. Jesus. If it meant TAKING HER TO AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL A COUPLE OF TIMES PER WEEK, I’d think about it. *throws up* RT @CoolHand_Lucas: Would you tonguebathe Charlie Weiss for her?”
Naturally I was curious as to who we were referring, so I asked. @CoolHandLucas was good enough to respond with:
“Things you would NOT do to TAKE Hayden Penettiere(sp?) from the show "Nashville" TO AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL AND GET A SUNDAE WITH EVERYTHING YOU WANT ON IT”
OK, I get it. This young lady is hot. She’s the exact opposite of 0 Kelvin. You have to wear a spacesuit to enjoy safe sex with her and not sustain serious burns that could end up being life-threatening if not treated immediately. I get the allure. But...
TO LICK CHARLIE WEISS? ALL OVER? ENOUGH TO "BATHE" HIM CLEAN?
I would do anything for love, y'all. But I won't do that.
CAMERA FADES OUT. VAPORIZES CAMERAMAN BECAUSE THIS BIT IS PLAYED
Anyway, here's the second installment of WEIRD SHIT DABNEY SENDS ME!
This week, Dabney put a link to the game "Frog Fractions" in my inbox. I was so amused by this website that I had to show all of you its brilliance. They have several hilarious games on this site and I highly recommend you make your own version of "The Asshole Game" and send it to your friends.
The problem is, the game "Huggy Bear" is hilarious. Does this make me psychotic? I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing at this crazy teddy bear needing to hug people so hard that they explode so he can breathe. And it makes him sad. I know, it's awful, but play it. If you don't laugh, well, I'm sorry. Kinda wish they'd do one of those with Coach Fran as the main character, for some reason.
The @EvanRMathis Music Room:
This feature will appear sporadically when @EvanRMathis throws good music my way. That's fairly often, so expect some weird, fun tracks to appear here. The first installment is the new track from The Flaming Lips titled "Sun Blows Up Today." If you're a creationist, this title will piss you off. Otherwise, give it a listen. Now, as you watch the video, Evan's follow up question asking me to project how many drugs were taken starts to make more sense. Evan, I'd pontificate, but you answered correctly when you said "all of them. All of the drugs."
This concludes Wildcard Thursday Afternoon. Get weirder with me in the comments!