Wildcard Wednesday: FaxGirl Edition

It's Wednesday. It's late afternoon. That means it's time for your Wildcard. Let's get down, let's get funky.

First topic comes to us courtesy of Adam Smith and his invisible hand:

@thacktor who are your top 5 candidates (alive or dead or both) for A&M's open #FaxGirl position?

— Adam Smith (@ASmith2003) February 5, 2013

This, Adam, is a great question. I enjoyed your nominees a great deal, but I went ahead and opened up the discussion to Cuppycup and Dr. Norris Camacho. Here is some mood music for you to enjoy while reading our discussion. The transcript is below, wheels off and slightly disturbing in parts:

Thacktor: OK, boys. Let's talk Aggie Faxgirl. Any girl in the world is at our disposal.
Dr. Norris Camacho: Can she manipulate the time-space continuum? If so, I would like to suggest 1996 Ashley Judd.
Thacktor: So we have nominated 1996 Ashley Judd
Cuppy: seconded?
Thacktor: Second
Cuppy: I nominate Mary Beth Decker the most famous Tap bartender of all-time who may or may not have hooked up with NAME REDACTED
I honestly have no idea, I just know he's a Tap guy
Thacktor: Yes, agreed. She be fine and served a decent drink.:
Dr. Norris Camacho: Thirded.
Thacktor: What about Reveille? No? OK.
Cuppy: I think Reveille is a good choice. We always see her in the same outfit, so it wouldnt hurt to show a little fur every now and then.
Thacktor: Oprah? She's got the audience already and you never know which version you're going to get. You could get slimmed down in-shape Oprah...
Cuppy: I prefer fat Oprah but that's me
Thacktor: or you could get giant Oprah, and in that case you put a logo on the pants.
Cuppy: pants?
Thacktor: Fat Oprah won't put a skirt on.
Cuppy: Thong bottom you mean
Thacktor: Right, my bad. The Olsen twins were rumored to be attending A&M "next year" every year I was in school. What about them?
Cuppy: I don't have a specific person in mind, but I think one of the campus cleaning ladies would be a strong choice. It kind of fulfills that "what do they do during the day?" mystery.
Thacktor: Fair enough, and they're already on the payroll. $ savings
Dr. Norris Camacho: Or one of the meter maids
Thacktor: PTT S S S S S S S S
Dr. Norris Camacho: Prevent parking tickets!
Cuppy: Wasn't Hermione taking online classes at A&M?
Dr. Norris Camacho: Anne Rice supposedly roomed with Zach Morris at one point.
Cuppy: maybe she could magicate some LOIs
Thacktor: What about Tiffany Thiessen?
Cuppy: Nikki Minaj was my first choice but I'm worried about her ass obstructing the fax machine.
Dr. Norris Camacho: I second Kelli Kapowski
Thacktor: No, NM would put post-it adhesive on the fax and stick it to herself.
Cuppy: Duh, Kelly Lebrock is the best choice. The chick from Weird Science. Doesn't Wyatt teach at A&M? He could get us the connection
Thacktor: I can't fight that call right there.
Dr. Norris Camacho: There is a solid connection.
Cuppy: so how about 1985 Kelly Lebrock
Thacktor: I'll take 1985 Kelly Lebrock FTW

Well, there you have it. 1985 KLB or GTFO. Second topic was tossed my way from @matthewdbrennan who wanted me to discuss this article about Anatoli Petrovich Bugorski. Never heard of him? He's just a man that took a 2000 GRAY PROTON BEAM TO THE FACE AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT! According to the article, anyone who absorbs anything over 5 grays will die within 2 weeks. Needless to say, things looked grim for APB.

Did he die? HELL NO HE DIDN'T! In Soviet Russia, gray beam you. Here's the summation of APB's encounter from Mental Floss:

He lost the hearing in his left ear, but experienced a constant unpleasant noise in that ear from then on. The left half of his face slowly became paralyzed over the course of the next two years. He also gets significantly more fatigued with mental work, though he did go on to get his PhD after this incident. The remaining side effects were occasional absence seizures and later tonic-clonic seizures, though these didn’t show up right away.

Also, ladies, the left side of APB's face hasn't aged a bit. I mean, it's paralyzed, but hasn't aged one year since he took the beam to the face. Knowing these side effects, would any of you take the proton beam of death to the face for years of a youthful smile?

Always Buy The Website For Your Business or Some Dick on the Internet Will Do It For You: Guy Fieri Edition

Camacho sent this to me earlier this week. Click it and laugh. Personally, I wanna eat the "Panamania!"

I hope all of you have an excellent week. Looking forward to next week's edition of the Wildcard? Want to get my take on an issue? Have a romantic problem for which you need the wrong answer? Tweet me @thacktor and I'll be glad to include ya.