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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of UTEP at Texas A&M

Alright Ags, you better crush your coffee beans before we reconvene at our evening scene. It was unforeseen, but Showers is as delicate as a figurine, so he won't be seen throwing jailbreak screens. Johnny's cleaning with Charlie Sheen, but he'll soon be emptying the cash machine like he's playing a team like Bowling Green. Carson pretends they're a pinball machine, Malena counts his fourteen greens, and Evans reveals he's a jumping bean on a trampoline. UTEP will come dressed in tangerine, the score will become quickly obscene, and they'll soon wish they had a time machine. As for the rest of you, eat some jelly beans and have a happy happy Halloween.


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UTEP alum Jack Handy cemented his place in comedy history as a writer for SNL. He wrote some of my favorite bits ever on SNL, including "Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car" and "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer," but I think my favorite was "Deep Thoughts." In honor of playing Mr. Handy's alma mater, here are some "Deep Thoughts" by me.

Sometimes when I'm watching the Aggies, I like to pretend I'm a GoPro camera on top of Manziel's helmet, capturing the facial expressions of the defenders as he shakes them off. Often, I get way too into the moment and actually attempt to juke other people in the room just to get a reaction. That's when they kick me out of Best Buy.

Do you ever wonder if Malcome Kennedy's inner monologue sounds like JFK after 3 martinis and a cardio session with Marilyn Monroe? Yeah, me neither.

If Kevin Sumlin took Jameill Showers out for dinner upon his arrival in College Station, that would probably be a very nice thing to do. If Sumlin got Showers drunk and encouraged that he spray paint graffiti on Dennis Franchione's old home, he would be contributing to the delinquency of a Miner.

If the two brothers on Texas A&M's offensive line were somber and from Scotland, I think that would make them members of the "Grave Matthews Clan."

About once a week I get nightmares where I know that a dream is actually going on, but I can only listen to Dave South call it over a grainy AM signal at night because my dreams are still in the Big XII and sometimes don't get picked up for TV coverage.

I wish that Nate Askew would hang out with me all the time, and that we had a telepathic connection to the point that he could know what I was going to say before I said it. That way, I could say "Hey, I'd like to ASKEW a question" to someone and he could step right in and ask it. Wouldn't that be awesome?

For some unknown reason, I really want to watch UTEP play Texas while sitting on that hill. Maybe it's because the author I'm emulating's name is Jack Handy.

Absurd Game Prediction

Sumlin lets the winner of a Lions Club raffle's grandson call the game using only the "Ask the Coach" function from NCAA 13 on PSP. After the game, the kid immediately signs a 10-year $50 million contract to coach the Longhorns.

Mike Evans has 4 catches for 80 yards and a TD before kickoff. Manziel addresses the media using only the language of interpretive dance with the debut of his one man show "eMOTIONS."

Ags 70 Miners 21



Kenny Hill

QB3: Not to put the cart before the donkey, but this game could give us a chance to see if the true freshman can turn in a sterling relief performance like he did last week.

Isaiah Golden

DT: Another true freshman pressed into service, he's had to dig in, but the grit has paid off. He's third in tackles amongst defensive linemen.

Tra Carson

RB: Time for the big guy to just pound it into the ground and churn up some dust. Dig deep, get over the fumble, and find paydirt.

Jameill Showers

QB: Unfortunately was shafted out of a final chance to play at Kyle Field due to a shoulder injury. Hopefully it's just a miner setback and he has a strong senior year.

Aaron Jones

RB: Coach Kugler has struck gold with this true freshman talent. The hometown prospect is averaging over 100 yards per game.

Autrey Golden

KR: With 2 touchdowns this year, the explosive return specialist is highly volatile and always capable of blasting through solid walls of coverages.




No, not the kind that happen in the hills overlooking UTEP’s stadium. The Miners will walk into Kyle knowing that they are heavy underdogs in what the experts predict will be a laugher of a contest. Vanderbilt exposed that we may be vulnerable to trick plays, even when we theoretically cover them correctly. Don’t be surprised if head coach Sean Kugler throws the kitchen sink at the Ags in an attempt to catch them off guard and keep his team in the game. He will need every trick up his sleeve since the injury report lists the Miners’ starting QB as out for the game, meaning that much like the weather report for the game there is a...


…zero percent chance of Showers.


This time of year many fans take advantage of the possibility for national exposure by dressing in terrifying costumes in the stands. Some of the truly more horrifying guises this year might include, ghosts, goblins, NCAA compliance officers, neon t-shirts, or Will Muschamp. Look for the cameras to single out these people for the admiration of their peers during the inevitable garbage time starting in the third quarter. The real treats, however, can be found at any of the costume contests being held at local watering holes after the game, where coeds dress in costumes that accentuate their personalities and interest in French art history. You are doing the lord’s work, ladies.

Night of the Living Spread

The running game made positive strides last weekend, and you can count on that trend to continue against UTEP. That being said, Johnny Football will be on the field and by some miracle of modern science his shoulder seems to be good to go. He will be throwing to NFL-sure-thing Mike Evans, veteran Malcome Kennedy, and scrappyworkingmaneffortgenerictinyreceivercompliment Travis Labhart. Look for Johnny to spread the ball around, making sure that everyone gets their candy and no one gets stuck with an apple, dental floss, or that damned marshmallow shaped like a peanut.



Georgia "at" Florida

The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party – soon to be renamed World War Zzzzzzz - this year will be Halloween appropriate as it will feature the hideous, lurching remains of two un-top-ten teams gnawing at one another in a mindless bid for sustenance. Georgia’s Frankenoffense will be composed entirely of spare body parts sewn haphazardly to running back torsos, and Florida will be outside the barricaded door ineffectively pounding on it, waiting for an unsuspecting victim to get too close to a window. Jacksonville is as fitting a venue this year as any, because it is clear that Jacksonville is football hell.



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Aggies win big, defense plays perfectly, Manziel sits for 2.5 quarters, Congress gets 100% approval, everyone gets along with everyone else, all kids have ice cream, free puppies for all, and that person you have a crush on calls you back.


It's a squeaker, the defense is drinking on the sidelines, Manziel signs with an agent during the 2nd quarter, anarchy reigns supreme, we all hate each other, ice cream is banned, puppies become extinct, and nobody will ever love you because look at you.


Ok Internet, how are we feeling about dad jokes lately? Ok let's try, "Hey Aggie defense, I hope UTEP up your game this week!".. #GBHTailgate


Bring some deodorant for our UTEP visitors... they'll be missing their Showers on Saturday... #GBHTailgate


@rcb05 Too many #GBHTailgate tweets last week.


I'm prepard to offer my future first born aggie to just be feautured in this weeks #GBHTailgate! Thanks & Gig'Em


I just wanna be on the #GBHTailgate so my friends think I'm cool.


One rule I learned years and years ago: anything I accomplish can be done better by a girl with ample cleavage. #GBHTailgate


There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.