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Breaking News: Nick Saban to coach in Texas starting in 2014

But not at the school you're probably thinking of.

Nick Saban asks for 2 weeks vacation while new boss Kevin Sumlin considers it.
Nick Saban asks for 2 weeks vacation while new boss Kevin Sumlin considers it.
Scott Halleran

Good Bull Hunting has learned that Nick Saban will be replacing Mark Snyder as Texas A&M Defensive Coordinator, effective immediately at the end of the 2013 season. Through various contacts developed over many decades as top-shelf investigative reporters, the gentlemen of GBH are honored to present an exclusive first interview with Coach Saban in which he talks about accepting the job, the challenges ahead, and what he's anticipating. Consideration was paid for by Skype, and Dreamland Bar-B-Que.

Good Bull Hunting: Coach Saban, it's great to get a chance to talk to you, can you speak a little abou-

Coach Nick Saban: We can talk about the A&M job. That's it. Let's go.

GBH: Uh, ok. So you'll be resigning as Head Coach at Alabama to take over Texas A&M's defense. Many would view that as a step down in your career. Can you explain the move?

CNS: Look, it's pretty simple. This newfangled "spread" offense is a pain in my ass, and I'm frankly sick of it. To be honest, I don't have a clue what happens on the offensive side of the ball. That's why we run a pro-style attack from 1964 and I'm pretty damn happy with it. You think I have any idea what Jimbo Fisher, Major Applewhite, or Jim McElwain liked to do? I drew their damn names out of a straw hat.

Plus, I already tried to hire Kevin once and I figured this was the next best thing.

GBH: I suppose that makes sense on some bizarre level. But have you had a chance to look at the personnel you'll be dealing with? Texas A&M's defensive rankings are near the bottom of FBS in many categories and it's going to be tough to impleme-

CNS: You know, when I got to Tuscaloosa in 2007, I had to follow four years of Mike Shula's recruiting. Do you have any idea what that looks like? I had to play John Freaking Parker Wilson at quarterback. Now that is difficult.

The solution is pretty simple. I've already spoken to contacts at the NCAA, and it looks like the entire two deep on the defensive front seven will be receiving medical hardships.

GBH: Every single one? That seems like it will be . . . difficult.

CNS: Look (holds up both hands away from his body, awkwardly, as if they're controlled by someone other than himself, perhaps a young child learning puppetry), it's no accident I'm able to turn over an entire 105 man roster in an average of 2.3 years at every university where I coach. Besides, I watched 10 minutes of A&M/Auburn tape, and it's pretty clear that every defensive player on the Aggie roster is already suffering from some sort of debilitating injury.

Also, you would not believe the incriminating photos I have of Mark Emmert. Pretty sick stuff.

GBH: How'd you get those?

CNS: Stares at us coldly, quietly. We feel our soul begin to quiver, then ache. We decide to move on.

GBH: Coach, what about the Texas job? There are a lot of rumors flying at the moment that you're a real candidate to take over for Mack Brown in Austin.

CNS: You know, that's just about the most absurd thing I've ever heard. Number one, my wife was there last week - pretty sure nobody knew about that one - and house prices are just insane. 600 dollars a foot? We've got counties surrounding Tuscaloosa that aren't valued at 600 dollars. Told her to go look in College Station, and it turns out you can get a hell of a lot more for your money.

Number two, this whole Longhorn Network thing. Look, between you and me, I've killed two production assistants and seriously injured a third in my time here, and that's just in putting together a weekly 30 minute program. In fairness, the first one asked me about the Louisiana-Monroe home loss, and the second asked about Utah. The third just happened to catch me before coffee, but still... there's just no way am I dealing with that shit.

Also, I've had drinks with outgoing AD Deloss Dodds before, and there's generally only room for one tyrannical, paranoid obsessive-compulsive dictator inside each athletic department, and I'm more than happy to fill that role.

GBH: Seems fair. What are some general philosophies you're going to bring to the A&M defense?

CNS: You know, we're going to have good intensity, good effort, we'll never be satisfied, we'll be the best we can be every day, it's a process, but day-to-day improvement is a must, our secondary will be . . . drones on for 24 uninterrupted minutes about 'dimes' and 'boundary blitzes' and 'pattern matching', and we finally decide to take a break to answer email.

GBH: That's great. Really interesting stuff coach. Anything else you want to tell the Aggies before you arrive?

CNS: I guess I have to say it. I'm not going to be the A&M defensive coordinator.

GBH: So it's official?!!?

CNS: Look, I've already answered it two times. Do you want to get in a line and ask about it? I'm here to talk about being the Head Coach at Alabama.

GBH: Wait, what -

CNS: There is a 30 second pause as Saban slowly stares at us through the computer screen. Our keyboard suddenly catches on fire. Saban blinks. Once. I appreciate your interest in the interview.