BY LYNNE MARIE
Well it's time again for another weekend of Aggie football.
I know most of y'all thought you were going to get a break this weekend, but that's only because this game is such a joke. No one has been talking about it. Seriously, does this game even count?
Lets be honest, even Johnny isn't taking this game seriously. Rumor has it he's even considering letting Bertolet play quarterback most of the game so he can spend the week at Northgate.
I mean, is BYE even in an actual conference?
Last week they lost to both Mississippi State and Auburn; like how bad can you be? This week they have no chance.
Just like previous games our offense hasn't been the problem. People are still asking how our defense will perform.
The good news is that our track record is phenomenal when performing against offenses that don't exist.
After that Arkansas game Snyder revived our defense back into the Wrecking Crew we all missed. That means there's absolutely no chance of BYE scoring against us this week. Unlike last week there will be zero missed tackles. This game seems like a slam-dunk.
BYE's defense in worse than Mississippi State's. They are last in points allowed seeing as they've had no stops all season.
Johnny will be able to run all over them with sharpies in both hands.
Overall Prediction: with BYE being unranked, having no offense, no defense and no points scored all season, this will be an easy win for A&M.
A&M - 96
BYE - 0
CAST: AUSTIN CITY LIMITS EDITION
Pack up your tea, boys...we're heading back to Austin.
No game this weekend means either students have to tailgate in front of (Mike) Evans Library or figure out something else to do besides study. So, unless you're really into eating at three different chicken finger places in one day or driving up and down Highway 6 until you see a grass fire, there's really no other option except plop down $200 to get your pass to the annual Austin City Limits Music Festival.
Austin City Limits is like a little kid's birthday party: you go for the cake and ice cream but first you have to sit through all the crappy parts of the day like the brat opening his presents. Most of the day at ACL is the present opening: you have to sit through bands you have never heard of in order to listen to Jimmy Eat World. (Apologies to all the Band of Heathens / Wick-It The Instigator / The Blind Boys of Alabama fans out there. That last band is not a joke about the top of the SEC standings.) However, I guess it's kind of a fun weekend.
Now, all in all, Austin isn't that much different than College Station. That is unless you count culture, skylines, and a general sense of style. It will be strange not to see as many denim/camo/denim combos at the bars, but I think Aggie students will get used to it once they get a few Shiner Blondes in their system.
'Hipster' Sorority Girls
Watch out for brand-name flannel and Nike shorts hiding underneath jeggings. This will be prevalent at the following concerts: Fun., Eric Church, Vampire Weekend, and any band featured in an Apple Commercial.
Armed with an ironic t-shirt saying something like, "I Hate Music Festivals", these people have only one goal: to hate you and everything you've ever loved. However, they are fans of a non-beveled logo because they think it's "vintage". Or whatever.
Fightin' Texas Aggie Band
They haven't played in two weeks and they're itchin' to perform. Ever the consummate professional, they look forward to playing in the mid-afternoon, two spots before The Cure. Setlist will be the Souza; same as it has been for 50 years.
NOT Johnny Manziel
Unsurprisingly, Johnny will not be attending out of sOVOlidarity, protesting Drake's absence from the lineup. But at least this gives him time to look at game film/YouTube videos of tailgates at The Grove.
Bands That Sound Like Nicknames Aggie Football Players Got In High School
I'm pretty sure "Caspar Babypants" is what they used to call Deshazor in 7th Grade. And "The Verve Pipe" is still what I call Jake Matthews.
Check out the full ACL lineup here.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BYE WEEK BLUES EDITION
It has been a tough week for coaches caught in the yearly carousel. Several have already been booted much earlier in the year than we're used to seeing, but I don't expect it to get any better before the year is over. With no game this week, the Aggies get to sit back and watch other programs across the country implode.
We all know the controversy surrounding Kiffin's exit from Tennessee in 2010, after a 7-6 season, to return to USC. Vols fans were furious and Kiffin made more than few enemies(NSFW language) in the process. Despite the terrible departure, Trojan fans were more than excited to have Kiffin back in the Coliseum. After a 10-2 performance in 2011 Trojan fans were calling for a National Championship led by Heisman front-runner Matt Barkley. Unfortunately, after a terrible 2012 season and a 3-2 start in 2013, Kiffin was let go last Saturday night, causing great jubilation amongst Vols fans(NSFW language).
We all know Kiffin has the personality of a Ben Stein hand puppet, but it's pretty remarkable what he has accomplished. We should all be jealous of him, really. I mean, he was completely terrible at his job and kept getting promotions.
Key takeaway here kids? Marry a smokeshow. And don't agree to meet with your boss after midnight under any circumstances.
I'm not going to waste too much of your time here other than to note this is a team that took Michigan to the wire a couple weeks ago. After a 0-4 start, however, Pasqualoni and associate head coach George DeLeone have been relieved by offensive coordinator T.J. Weist.
I wonder how many UCONN fans were stunned to find out they even still have a football program. Pasqualoni will land on his feet somewhere making a killer olive salad with turkey meatballs.
It has been an odd week on the 40 acres. Chip Brown got one right with DeLoss Dodds stepping down next summer, reigniting the discussion about renewing the A&M vs Texas rivalry.
Also, Mack may have to pull the redshirt off Tyrone Swoopes to find a suitable quarterback (Mack hoping he can spell and play on a Vince Young level).
It's glaringly apparent Mack is at the end of his rope, opening with a 2-2 record. Texas is well behind 4-0 OU and Texas Tech.
I think Aggies are pulling for Texas to win enough ball games to make his firing a huge comedy-filled dumpster fire. Texas fans are already calling for Nick Saban to make the move from Alabama as a replacement.
I fully expect it all to unfold in the LHN's version of The People's Court with Honorable Judge Cleve Bryant presiding.
Food for Thought: Does the government shutdown mean America is the global Big 12?
#24 Ole Miss at Auburn
The Aggies October 12th opponent, the Rebels of Ole Miss, march into Jordan Hare Stadium this week with Bo Wallace poised to unleash his All-World Stable of Wide Receivers on Auburn. Last week Wallace contributed to them putting up legendary stat lines of 6/60/0, 4/52/0, and 2/22/0 (Catches/Yards/TDs). In fairness to Ole Miss, they were playing Bama, and its not like anyone has put up 7/279/1 or 6/57/3 on them this year.
Auburn is allowing 267 yards per game through the air, but has only allowed 2 passing touchdowns this season. We'll see if those All-Everything receivers can escape the state of Alabama with at least 1 receiving touchdown.
Mizzou at Vanderbilt
There is only one SEC game being played this week that doesn't feature a ranked team. If Mizzou can leave Nashville with a win they could see themselves with a nifty number next to their name, sitting pretty with a 5-0 start. That should be good enough for the Big 12 to start claiming them again and taking credit for their success (God knows they have nothing of their own to be proud of).
The Tigers then play 3 straight against teams in the top 20, which will likely make the Big Dumpster Fire start crying again.
Mizzou may be the most surprising team in the SEC this year, inching closer to bowl eligibility.
#10 LSU at Mississippi State
Les Miles likes to dance, eat grass, and rappel down buildings. Sounds like a fun guy.
Starkville, MS has been described to me as "the town that fun forgot." Doesn't sound very fun.
Hopefully Miles does something everyone In Stark Vegas can enjoy this weekend because they won't be very entertained by the scoreboard.
Watch for Zack Mettenberger (statistically a top 3 QB in the SEC) to punish Dan Mullen's crew for embarrassing the SEC by losing to the Big 10 and Big 12.
Arkansas at #18 Florida (Bielema vs Muschamp)
Yes, there are two teams actually playing on the field, but the real fun could be watching these two coaches go head to head. Coach Boom vs. Coach "don't want to be like the SEC-in any way, shape, or form." Keep an eye on the press conferences and the sidelines to see which coach can out-meathead the other.
The game itself should turn out to be a pretty interesting battle of rushing offense (Ark is #21 in the country) vs rushing defense (Florida is #1). If the Hogs can't get their run game established though, this could quickly turn into a case of The Gators being the sidewalk to The Hog's Bielema.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
Our resident Texas lawyer, MR. JAMES DECKER, reviews some strange Texas laws we might want to avoid this weekend to stay out of trouble.
WHAT TO WEAR
If you are friends with a good Ag (cough, not me... sorry wedding party. No UTEP game for us if it is a night game) you are probably wearing wedding clothes for one of your friends this weekend.
Oh, you aren't 25-35 in age?
You are probably wearing these Dress Sweatpants and eating twinkies while watching one of the following games:
Navy vs Air Force (dependent on if the Red and the Blue in the governments decide to share their toys or continue their time outs)
Texas vs Iowa State (the epitome of Troll Game... Just watch and play a drinking game when you see Kitten McCoy (that is his name, right?) play some sports because it isn't football and I don't know what sports it is.
UCLA vs BYU (white people vs white mormons)
TCU vs Oklahoma (as a reminder and thank you for not being in the Big 12 anymore)
For all you "people" who work "50 hour work weeks" and "work for a fortune 500 company" wear your fuqing t-shirt. WEAR IT WITH PRIDE. I will probably be in a slanket healing from drinking my night away because it is October and I just feel like it, people.
For those of you whose wives/girlfriends/roommates/cats put up with your football and DVR'd games and the fact that you are STILL talking about Alabama please do the following this weekend:
- Watch the 2012 Alabama Game (I know you have it DVR'd still). If not, go here
- Tell them to GTFOverIT
- Hug your Fathead of Reveille and tell her that everything is fine and to not listen to Fletcher and his "new traditions"
- Watch the Listeater video and thank each and every Aggie that you know that has yet to eat a sheet of paper in their life
- Read the Comments in Good Bull Hunting
- Proceed to then discuss the 2013 game again and tell people to OVO and Sprinkle the Sprinkles and all that cool JFF stuff
Get Ready for Next Week's Game Day
WHAT TO DRINK
THE BYE WEEK COCKTAIL
- 1 pt Campari
- 1 pt Moet Champagne (preferably that touched the lips of Manziel after winning the Cotton Bowl)
- 1 oz simple Sugar (Bowl dreams)
- 4 cubes of ice
Shake like the laughter you will have when Iowa State beats Texas
Serve in a Pilsner glass with ice
Garnish with an autographed #2 jersey cocktail stirrer
Enjoy the weekend without Aggie Anxiety
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY KELLIE LYNN
The football gods decide that it is, in fact, Time for Texas A&M and LSU loses to Mississippi State while the Crimson Tide get mauled by the Georgia State Panthers. The aliens from Space Jam decide they're done with their football game and give our defense back the Wrecking Crew talents they stole in a glowing cartoon football. Johnny makes it through the bye week without doing something to attract the attention of every media outlet, fan, non-fan, and rapper in existence.
Our defense still manages to hand over another 300 yards. This time it's gift wrapped in lovely maroon and white packaging proving that they are actually capable of wrapping something up. Johnny finds himself in a similar situation as Thad Castle and decides to take a Blue Mountain State-style quest to determine if he'll enter the draft. He ends up getting caught naked outside Sbisa with a hookah from the local hookah bar in one hand and an autographed photo of himself with a cash receipt stapled to the back in the other.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Sumlin wakes up on Saturday with hatred in his gut. He hates bye weeks almost as much as he hates the offseason.
He calls Johnny to tell him to be at his house by noon.
"But coach, I've got a lot of studying to do," Johnny says as a girl's laughter is clearly audible in the background.
"Be here," Sumlin replies before snapping his phone in half.
Johnny shows up and finds Sumlin suited up in full pads with NCAA '14 on in the backgroud.
"Coach what is this about?" Johnny asks, confusion and concern on his face
Sumlin runs at Johnny full speed and tackles him to the ground.
"You thought this was a bye week? It's 1-on-1 weekend son," Sumlin says with a smile on his face.
Sumlin continuously shuts out Johnny playing as Old Dominion. Johnny spends the rest of the weekend at Northgate trying to forget what just happened.
The rest of the team gets a nice relaxing weekend and the defense gives up zero points to the bye week, which boosts team morale.
Ags everywhere realize there are other things to do on a Saturday like play actual football, spend time with family, or other non-essential things.
Ags - 45
Bye - 0
Dodds is a genius. Stepping down this week. Knowing that an A&M bye week is the only chance he has to get ESPN coverage. #GBHTailgate
Since there's no tailgating this week I guess #GBHTailgate is a good excuse to drink.
I hear the bye week ran for 300 yards and 4 TDs against Texas, so the Ags can't sleep on it. #GBHTailgate
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.