"Hey Manti Te'o" by Lennay Kekua

Hey Manti Te'o (via SpreadsheetAg's Channel)

Sometimes, my greatest ideas come to me in the cantankerous tranquility of Houston Traffic. On the day I conceived of this ode, I was flipping back and and forth between Charlie Pallilo's sports talk 790 AM in Houston and MIX 96.5. Charlie was talking about the Manti Te'o Hoax, and Tim Higgenson was serenading me with his husky tenor pipes on Houston's MIX.

I thought to myself, what would non-existent, really-a-man Lennay Kekua have to say to her beau, HeIsManti, about this whole situation. I think I have captured it in the song above and lyrics below:

Hey Manti Te’o, how's it going out in South Bend?
I'm two thousand miles away, but I will always be your girlfriend.
Yes, it’s true,
Golden Dome can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it's true...

Aloha Manti, don't you worry about the distance,
I'm right there if you get lonely, give your phone another listen.
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it's my disguise,
I'm by your side...

Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
This hoax is killin’ me.

Hey Manti Te’o, I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me boy, someday you'll pay our bills with football,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
my word is good...

Aloha Manti, I've got so much left to say,
But I’m in the hospital because I wrecked my car today,
Please hear me, Cuz-,
There's one more thing we must discuss,
Leukemia…

Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,

Two thousand miles seems pretty far, but we’ve got tweets and texts and calls,
I'd Skype with you if I had no other way.
Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them suspect we're ghey.
Manti I can promise you, that by the time my death is due,
You'll "dominate" that Michigan State game...
'Cause, Notre Dame...

Aloha Manti, you be good and don't you miss me.
In three more months you'll be the Heisman, you'll be making history,
on ESPN-U.
They'll boast it's all because of you,
th' Irish can say what they want to,
Hey Manti Te’o, you're coocoo,
You know you're screwed.

Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
Oh this hoax is killin’ me,
This hoax is killin’ me...
Te'oohhhhooohooooohoooohoohoh...... Te'ooooo....

Revising lyrics = 20 minutes, finding instrumental to "Hey There Delilah" = 20 minutes, recording my voice over = 30 minutes, dubbing everything and editting the audio using Audacity = 30 minutes, downloading pictures for the video slideshow = 20 minutes, putting it all together and getting it online = 1 hour.

3 hours of work for you, loyal readers.