Apologies are in order for a late posting of the Viewer’s Guide. Sometimes life happens. In any event, we have a sparse helping of games this week in terms of quality, but I’ll do my worst anyway.
All times Central – where hoodies are business casual
Thursday, September 13
Rutgers at South Florida | 6:30 PM | ESPN
New Jersey kids playing a Florida directional school in a half empty NFL stadium is a proper way for the Big East to celebrate what has been another tough week on the realignment Ouija board. The Bulls are coming off a 32-31 win in Reno over a feisty Nevada team. Tough travel on a short week. Rutgers has bested the likes of Tulane and Howard in unimpressive fashion. Watch Jesse Palmer when he is on camera. I’ve never seen someone talk with their hands more and that includes the deaf. USF probably wins here. God, Tampa blows.
Friday, September 14
Washington State at UNLV | 8 PM | ESPN
Leach escaped disaster last week with a 24-20 win over Eastern Washington. UNLV lost in triple overtime to Minnesota and followed that with a home loss to a football program from Flagstaff, Arizona and holy balls this is actually a televised football game.
Be proactive here and take the lady out for a nice dinner – preferably a place that won’t have this game on the televisions. This will earn you a bit more leeway for your slothful, disgusting Saturday ways. I recommend Long John Silvers.
Saturday, September 15
Wake Forest at Florida State (5) | 11 AM | ESPN
Vegas has the Noles -24.5 to which Jimbo Fisher decried, "where in the world did that come from?" Well, Jimbo, Vegas knows your team better than YOU know your team. See, Wake is pretty bad. They beat Turner Gill and the Liberty Fightin’ Falwell’s 20-17 in what allegedly constituted a football game.
I guess maybe we learn more about Florida State than we did last week when they played those poor bastards from Savannah State.
Cal at Ohio State (12) | 11 AM | ABC
Credit to the Bears for making the trip to Columbus. Sadly for them, they play atrocious defense. Braxton Miller has been running wild as a beneficiary of the Urban spread to the tune of over 300 yards in the first two games. Meyer has voiced that he’d like Miller to grow as a passer, but it might not happen in this game. The Buckeyes will likely be missing starting tailback Carlos Hyde with a sprained MCL and Cal can’t stop the run. Ergo, look for Braxton to pile up more yards on the ground in a victorious effort. Tough sledding for the Bears – after Columbus, they get to travel to the Coliseum in Los Angeles. Could this be the final saga of the Tedford tenure in Berkeley? Methinks YES.
TCU (16) at Kansas | 11 AM | FX
The first bar I ever drank in was The Crossing in Lawrence. I was 17. I’m told The Crossing no longer exists which is disheartening. The place was essentially an oaken shoebox with cheap domestic beer pouring from beer spigots. I thought it was Mecca.
Alabama (1) at Arkansas | 2:30 PM | CBS
I sure would love to hear John L. Smith’s pregame speech to the Pigs. Does Arkansas MAYBE keep this close? Tinge of an upset feel here? I dunno. Things could really go off the rails. Perhaps we should discuss who the next coach in Fayetteville will be. Arthur Briles?
North Carolina at Louisville (19) | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
I’d watch if this was a December game at Freedom Hall (RIP).
Navy at Penn State | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
Yes. This is somehow an ABC game.
Texas A&M at SMU | 2:30 PM | FSN
I’ll be supremely pissed if Eric Dickerson doesn’t do the coin toss for this game after driving out to the 50 yard line in a gorgeous, golden Trans-Am with Patrick Duffy riding shotgun. I used to live quite close to SMU and sure would enjoy boulevarding the hell out of some Highland Park kids in the 13th Grade this weekend.
Florida (18) at Tennessee (23) | 5 PM | ABC/ESPN2
Football is more fun when Tennessee is ranked and isn’t coached by guys named Lane. Neyland should be rocking. If coaching doesn’t work out for Muschamp and Dooley (a VERY likely possibility), they could probably star in the lawyer drama/comedy Franklin and Bash on TNT. I sure as hell would tune in. At any rate, I like the Vols at home here. They’ll have that vertical passing game that eluded the Ags last week.
USC (2) at Stanford (21) | 6:30 PM | FOX
Did you know that Matt Barkley has never beaten Stanford? I guess Bill Gates was right – even the coolest, chillest of we bros end up in servitude to nerds. Barkley flips the script here though, and beats the Cardinal on one of the most beautiful campuses I’ve ever seen.
Notre Dame (20) at Michigan State (10) | 7 PM | ABC
This game always ALWAYS gets weird in East Lansing at night. Youtube the Brady Quinn comeback or the fake field goal from two years ago if you must. This tilt is going to be a battle of strengths – Sparty’s Le’Veon Bell against a ballsy ND front seven. As is par for the course, I fully expect this game to be decided in the final two minutes. Vegas has Sparty at -6, which is peculiar. I’m going full homer – IRISH 24, SPARTY 20. /jinxes : (
Texas (14) at Ole Miss | 8:15 PM | ESPN
Rich, dumb kids in Texas go to college at one of two places – Baylor or Ole Miss. They really wanted to go to UT, but found themselves at Baylor if they’re sheltered or Ole Miss if they run an entrepreneurial upstart of coke slinging from their Tahoe. Texas fans have been downright giddy for this game since it was announced a couple years ago and for good reason. I’ve experienced the Grove and it might have been one of the finest days in my life. The marriage of Texas fans and Ole Miss fans seems like a good fit, but I just know the Horns will wear out their welcome. Get ready Rebels. These people will bitch out your hotel staff because the provided toiletries dry out their skin and the spa isn’t up to snuff. And the women will be worse. They’ll try to outdo your ladies (and fail) with elaborate wardrobes of that gas station shit orange and caked on makeup. Mack Brown will talk about what a treat it is to play in Oxford. If Cracker Barrels could talk, they’d sound just like Mack Brown and have an uncanny ability to remember sideline reporters’ names. Horns win and then brag about an SEC win before A&M got one HA HA HA.
BYU (25) at Utah | 9 PM | ESPN2
Mormons versus Jack Mormons in the Holy War. I was all about Utah to start the year. It is a shame they lost quarterback Jordan Wynn for the year (and his retirement). BYU is as pissed as a genteel LDS group can be after the 54-10 pasting they took from Utah at home last year. They’ll get their revenge in Salt Lake this week.
Drink of the Week:
Speaking of Mormons, this week’s drink is anything poured for you at The Loon in Dallas. Since the Ags are traveling up the road to play SMU, I thought I’d give a plug to one of my very favorite bars. Surely you’ve heard plenty of folks through the years claim that [insert place] has the strongest drinks. Well, dear reader, I have traveled near and far and NO ONE beats The Loon. If The Loon poured stronger drinks, they’d have to use canoes as glasses. Order a whiskey or scotch drink on the rocks and you’ll get a nice, frosty bowl of goodness. Add another ingredient, if you must, but enjoy one of stuffy, plastic Uptown’s true treasures.
Tell me what I missed in the comments. Enjoy the games, gang.