John L. Smith is lying shirtless in a puddle of Gatorade and Everclear after spending most of the night trying to saw through a bike chain with a butter knife. "If I'm going down, I'm going down like Bobby!"

Welcome to SEC Speed Dating! This weekly feature introduces you to the people and places of the SEC. Read through the profiles and we're sure you'll find that you're a perfect match for this conference. This week we bring you a furry in Arkansas, a 3-star hotel at 5-star prices in Missouri, and a Longhorn* celebrity?

LIZ HONEY

This die-hard hog warbler grabbed a roll of Scotch tape and turned into a YouTube sensation following Arkansas' stunning loss to UL-Monroe on Saturday. Her coping mechanisms may give you pause, but she will never leave you. Never. She spends her days working the cash register at Cross Stitch Treasures and her nights searching for racy Bobby Petrino photos on the internet. Liz frequents Arkansas Expats for all of her Hog headlines and Pinterest for everything else.

There's nowhere in the world that I would rather be than yelling "Woo Pig Sooie." And there's nothing in the world that I would rather see than to beat Alabama 100 to 3.

THE TIGER HOTEL

Once the Rufinol kicks in from the speed dating event, you'll want to head over to the Tiger Hotel in Columbia, MO. Sure the folks over on Dawg Sports are a bit agitated after being charged hotel fees $1500 in excess of agreed upon rates, but you can show your date that you're made of money. Plus the hotel will treat you to freshly baked Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.* In the SEC, it's all about hospitality.
* Cookie fees will be added to your final bill regardless of availability or consumption.

Hotel management has agreed to provide refunds to consumers who already paid the higher price after reserving rooms at a lower price.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

It's HATE WEEK over on Red Cup Rebellion as the Texas Longhorns head to Oxford, but you could be feeling the love with a chance to bed a celebrity. Contrary to an internet rumor, McConaughey did not rent out City Grocery but he'll still treat you right with a comforting six-pack (and beer too). Ladies be warned, you can't spell McConaughey without "ghey."

I love having my hands in the dirt. It is never a science and always an art. There are no rules. And if it comes down to me versus that weed I'm trying to pull out of the ground that doesn't want to come out? I know I'll win.