GBH Viewer's Guide: Week 9

All times Central - "when IS the election, and can women vote? End suffrage now."

Thursday, October 25

Clemson (18) at Wake Forest | 8 PM | ESPN

Wake has less than 4500 undergraduates making it the smallest BCS school in the country. BB&T Field at Groves Stadium holds a scant 31,500 people. Nevertheless, the Deacons have played in the Orange Bowl and actually played in the 1982 Mirage Bowl against Clemson. In Tokyo! Konichiwa student athletes from the Carolinas! There is no trouble to be found in Japan for young men! DOMO DABO!

Anyway, brass tacks. Clemson plays offense, doesn't play defense, and is seeking a fourth straight victory over Wake - start hanging banners! The Tigers D is getting credit for shutting down Virginia Tech 38-17 this past Saturday which is like giving a dog a treat for not chewing off the skin around its genitals. Defensive coordinator, Brent Venables, has brought all the visored, small-man insecurity that you'd expect of an OU protégé, and I guess it is resonating. This is the ACC. This is three card blackjack in a central Florida Indian casino. Numbers mean very little. Wake is coming off a win over Virginia - the helmeted corpse of Thomas Jefferson - and will be looking for an upset at home. Not happening.

Friday, October 26

Cincinnati at Louisville (16) | 7 PM | ESPN

Rust Belt cities that get to claim the South when it is convenient (BBQ and accents),and the race riots are forgotten. These towns play in that league called the Big East. Both hover in that Crisco Research Triangle of Kentucky-Ohio-Indiana.

In any event, I voiced how criminally overrated Louisville and Rutgers are right now in my BlogPoll. One is probably going to go 12-0. Regardless, Louisville is a wildly underrated city. I've been there during the offseason (non Kentucky Derby) and during the Derby this past May. I missed the horse I'll Have Another because I had my other and was napping in the infield in a seersucker suit. Bliss, really.

As for the game, Munchie Legaux said he was better than Teddy Bridgewater and I think there is going to be a scrape at the soda fountain! Cardinals beat the street tuffs from the ‘nati.

Cincinnati chili is not "chili" and it is atrocious. Just sickening.

Saturday, October 27

Texas (23) at Kansas | 11 AM | Ham Radio

Things are going well in Austin. What is a lame duck? Why is this super awesome mythical network pissing off said duck? It is what it is and now is no time for a duck to flinch. A great coach looms in Charlie Weis (stopping spelling it ‘Weiss' dipshits). I'm told both Weis' ankles are being taped for equality and reciprocity on the LHN. Oh, Longhorn Network. Never has an ugly, heavy, hated anchor been so lucrative. And much like an anchor, it's day to day work is unseen by all. And the results on the field suggest as much!

/scrolls KU's top leading rushers

//Congrats to James Sims, Tony Pierson, and Taylor Cox for their career-best games.

///DBU Austin

Tennessee at South Carolina (13) | 11 AM | ESPN

It's going to be super weird when Dooley accepts a caddy/graduate assistant job under Spurrier for the next 10 years. Bring the rain gear, Derek. Kiawah plays like St. Andrews in February and OBC hates whiners. Now give him his damn mashie. Spurs made a bet that if he shot his age he could blackball Dabo from any club in the Southeast. Spoiler: he's shooting his age.

UCLA at Arizona State | 2 PM | FX

Smart pretty girls against mentally-challenged smoke shows. (More to come on this later).

Colorado at Oregon (4) | 2 PM | Pac-12 Network

This is going to be tragic. Just a balls out boat race. Shouldn't we be able to purchase a documentary of speeches from coaches going into hopeless football games? I'd buy it. Oregon is a 46 point favorite. In a league game. And yet, free money? Bet a Duck doing horrific things to a Buffalo.

Eugene and Boulder are filled with some of the most smug, self-righteous assholes on earth.

USC (9) at Arizona | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2

Hold the iphone. Smart, pretty girls traveling to the state where dumb Californians go to live and waste fake fortunes on fake real estate for eternity? Sounds vaguely familiar. I mentioned in an earlier piece that ColoradoAg Sr. spent his freshman year as a Kent State Golden Flash. Like a hillbilly Rockefeller, he knew to go west and west was a school in the desert that admitted on blood pulses and enough scratch in a credit union. I come from good stock? My old man is Bear Down Arizona.

Anyway, I have an itch that Barkley is going to find his way back into the Heisman conversation. Torch this Pac also-ran and get ready for Oregon and he is there.

Duke (!) at Florida State (12) | 2:30 PM | ESPNU

Welcome Duke to their first Viewer's Guide appearance ever. You under-privileged kids are going to catch a break one of these days. I promise.

I went to a game at Cameron Indoor once. It's Comic-Con, but more entitled. Loud? Sure. Nerdy as shit? Like an awful episode of Big Bang Theory. We get it. You kids are so kooky and crazy with your hand motions and body paint. We all went to high school too, but had friends.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Still football. Duke IS going to go bowling this year, which is nice. Oh, and they're leading their division! All that typed, the Duke Vitales are 0-17 at Florida State and they haven't beat a ranked team on the road since 1971.

/DIESHOLYBALLS

Florida (2) vs. Georgia (10) (at Jacksonville) | 2:30 PM | CBS

I'm vocal in my hate of neutral site games. Don't like ‘em. Any of them. Play on campuses. We aren't NFL oafs. So, instead of Gainesville and Athens, we're treated to the Dave and Busters of Florida in the most Dave and Busterish state in America - FLORIDA. Jacksonville is your over-tanned, lesbian aunt. Someone gave a bunch of coastal swamp to dudes in gold chains that love strip malls and Outbacks and let them turn on the keys to the RV.

As for ball, Muschamp is building something. This Gator team is mean and resilient. I think they are on a crash course with Bama in Atlanta. They play stingy, STINGY D and take care of the football. Feed Mike Gillislee all day and waltz out with all the cocktails you want from this party.

Texas Tech (14) at Kansas State (3) | 2:30 PM | FOX

Who had this game circled at the beginning of the year? Way to go, AARP. In fairness, I thought Tuberville was a dead CPA walking. I thought he'd be bookkeeping in an Abilene H&RBlock by April. Alas, he's got wide cookie eyes for a couple SEC jobs! Maybe!

Can your picture Tubs and Snyder at a roadhouse trucker diner in Dodge City? Look, the dudes know some defense. Something that is totally lost and excused by some of their conference mates. Tip of the cap to both.

This is going to be good. Real damn good. Tech, I kind of like you when we don't play you. I also love Uncle Bill. Optimus Klein yet again.

Ohio State at Penn State | 4:30 PM | ESPN

The bowl for scandalous programs not allowed to go to bowls that are gifted the opportunity to not get drilled in the Rose Bowl by a Pac-12 school.

Texas A&M (20) at Auburn :( | 6 PM | ESPNU

We've had you covered here. ESPNU is the Aggie Network lately. Johnny F. Football forever and ever.

Michigan (22) at Nebraska | 7 PM | ESPN2

Watch two wildly overrated arm punting quarterbacks go at each other! Martinez and Robinson - B1G HEISMANS KINDA!

Notre Dame (5) at Oklahoma (8) | 7 PM | ABC

Here's your Porterhouse, gang. Settle in. Primetime, non-league, traditional powers striking up a long-standing rivalry. Can you believe the Sooners are 1-8 against the Irish? The last time they played in Norman was in 1966 with the Irish cruising to a 38-0 win en route to a national title.

Landry Jones is by far the best passer this elite Notre Dame defense has faced all season. ND's front seven is as mean and athletic as anyone in the country - Alabama included. Something has to give. This will fall on the Irish offense and their ability to make plays. Damn, I sound like Trev Alberts. Everett Golson has to make some plays for the Irish to have a shot.

Mississippi State (11) at Alabama (1) | 7:30 PM | ESPN

Look at those Bulldogs marching into Tuscaloosa in the last weekend of October undefeated. Bang up job, State. There are only 11 unbeatens left, and two are right here. Mississippi State plays nice defense with an aggressive secondary. Fetch a turnover or two early, and this might stay close. The Dogs haven't really faced anyone yet. I think a night game at Bryant-Denny qualifies after this week.

Drink of the Week:

Shower beer!

Recipe:

- One domestic beer (I use Miller Lite)

- Canned

- Preferably 16 oz. or above

Nothing makes a mundane Saturday shower getting ready for football better than a shower beer. It is most crucial to have an aluminum can. Glass causes a safety issue, and the chill of the aluminum in a steamy shower is sublime. I usually like to time this shower and beer around the Tom Rinaldi segment of Gameday. Freshen up, have some good sips, and get ready for one of the best twelve or so days of the year.

It's almost November. Hope stands for few, firings loom for some. Let's go. 1700 words. I'm spent. What did I miss? Enjoy the games, gang.