SAN DIEGO, California -- With the 837th pick in the 2014 MLB Draft, the San Diego Padres selected Johnny Manziel out of Texas A&M. Last month, Manziel was drafted to play quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.
Manziel received the news "hungover as balls" while sipping a Bloody Mary in his hotel suite, surrounded by coeds. "This sure beats the draft green room at Radio City," he said which was met with uproarious laughter from the gaggle of gals in bikinis.
Manziel is best known for his quarterback play over the last two years at Texas A&M University where he became the first freshman to win the coveted Heisman Trophy. Often overshadowed are Manziel's achievements as a baseball player growing up in Kerrville, Texas. These achievements were not missed by Padres scouts who have doled out such predictions as "a six tool player" and "first ballot for Cooperstown."
Padres General Manager Josh Byrnes went as far as to say, "Johnny Manziel is just what we're looking for. He's essentially Derek Jeter but with more pop and some semblance of a personality."
The news didn't seem to overwhelm Manziel at all. He funneled a Miller Lite and said, "It's cool. I'm probably going to retire from the Cleveland Browns and just focus on baseball now. I mean, have you been to Cleveland? It smells like rusted clinical depression. The only thing anyone clings to there is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Drake isn't even in the Hall, so f*** that."
Manziel's intentions were met with a sad, resigned apathy from the Browns management. "Am I surprised?," GM Ray Farmer asked sarcastically. "I don't know. Was I surprised when my wife hired a taut young Cuban to be our pool boy? No, I wasn't. Sometimes your existence is just meant to be God's toilet."
"I don't blame him. Have you been to San Diego? You can swing a George Whitfield broom and club down a dozen super models." Farmer's tone shifted as his eyes welled up, "the Browns will always cherish Johnny's time with the organization. He's the best player we've ever had and I'm going to make sure his number 2 is retired posthaste."
Manziel is no stranger to the Padres' faithful. Just last year, he took batting practice at Petco Park and even launched a home run - the first in what will likely be a record-setting baseball career.
Manziel expanded on his enthusiasm to join the Padres. "I'm thrilled to go to San Diego to play baseball. The city affords me the opportunity to be the best quarterback in town without risking concussions. I'll probably just play shortstop. Or pitch. Yeah, I think 'Johnny Cy Young' sounds pretty bad ass."
MLB commissioner Bud Selig was heard squealing with delight from his office when he realized his league would be landing one of the world's brightest stars. When asked for comment, Selig cooed, "from now until the end of time, the only player who will don the number 2 in Major League Baseball is Johnny Manziel. That means guys like Derek Jeter are going to have to make some changes."
Manziel was asked if he had any doubts about his baseball abilities having not played competitively for a few years. "None. No doubts whatsoever. Baseball is just organized rest. With my abilities, this is akin to a chubby, high school has-been accountant playing some beer league softball. I see no reason why I shouldn't hit .500 and swipe like 100 bags. Plus, if I get bored with baseball, LeBron said I could just play point guard with him or have Coach Spoelstra's job."
Late Saturday evening, Manziel arrived at Padres' facilities and was already fitting in nicely in the clubhouse as he hazed closer Huston Street with a violent swirly which was rewarded with chuckles and fist bumps.
Coincidentally, as the day unfolded, AJ McCarron was found at a rural batting cage in Alabama taking vicious hacks with bloody hands and tears streaming down his face muttering, "I'll show him."
Look for Manziel to start for the National League All-Stars in Minneapolis next month as he has already set a write-in ballot record from the fans.