After 14 straight months of mock drafts and analysis, we are finally almost to the moment everyone has been waiting for. We have started off the boozing while we wait for them to finish trotting all of the invitees out like a Little Miss Sunshine pageant. This is a veritable Who’s Who of terrible suits, as though all of them were shoved into Michael Irvin’s closet and told to get dressed in the dark.
A quick word on the two Smirnoff Ices in the refrigerator. We were disappointed last year that we were not forced to pay the ice for Manti Te’o going in the first round, so we have brought it back. This year we decided that if either of our teams – the Cowboys or the Texans – drafts Johnny Football we will drink the "icing on the cake" in an effort to prepare for years of mixed feelings about whether this was a colossal mistake.
#1 – Houston Texans
Jadeveon Clowney, DE
Hypno-Toad: Clowney was so sure that he would be picked first overall that he started slowly walking towards the stage 8 months ago.
redfluorophore: Of course they show the highlight against Michigan instead of the one where he just stands there and does nothing.
Current beverage: Chimay
#2 – St. Louis Rams
Greg Robinson, OL
RF: I think he may be wearing a cuttlefish as a bowtie.
HT: The Rams just drafted one excellent offensive lineman. Unfortunately, Sam Bradford has two knees.
#3 – Jacksonville Jaguars
Blake Bortles, QB
[collective cry of joy for Johnny]
HT: Not only did he shred a defensive stalwart like Baylor, he also held his own against the rest of the AARP conference.
RF: Everyone keeps comparing him to Ben Roethlisberger and we’re still not sure if Ben is any good.
Current beverage: Unibroue La Fin Du Monde. French for "The End Of The World", this seemed appropriate as Johnny’s world comes crashing down.
#4 – Buffalo Bills
Sammy Watkins, WR
RF: You think he’s excited to live in Canada?
HT: The only real problem here is that Buffalo fans are so far removed from the south that they might not even realize that fuck Clemson.
#5 – Oakland Raiders
Khalil Mack, LB
RF: Mack plays with a lot of violence, which makes Oakland a perfect fit for him.
HT: It was difficult for the Raiders to make their usual stupid move because so many of the stupid moves were already taken.
#6 – Atlanta Falcons
Jake Matthews, OL
HT: Fun fact – Jake moving to Atlanta will actually lower the average body weight per capita.
RF: This guy looks like a solid player, but I’m worried he doesn’t have the pedigree.
#7 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Mike Evans, WR
HT: As a structural engineer I worry about the hurricane wind forces exerted on tall buildings like Evans.
RF: Tampa Bay made exactly the right pick, which is something that they haven’t heard since 1982.
#8 – Cleveland Browns
Justin Gilbert, DB
RF: Gilbert is heading to the only place worse than Stillwater.
HT: I’m glad because neither Johnny nor I was going to look good in a Browns Manziel jersey.
Current beverage: Gin & tonic
#9 – Minnesota Vikings
Anthony Barr, LB
HT: Like everyone in Radio City Music Hall, I have no idea who this guy is.
RF: This pick is as dull as Minnesota.
#10 – Detroit Lions
Eric Ebron, TE
HT: Barry Sanders can’t even see over the podium. Not prototypical NFL build. Projected 5th round pick.
RF: FINALLY Matt Stafford has a big target to throw to.
Current beverage: What more fitting drink for a pick from North Carolina than a bracing shot of moonshine. I have had my run-ins with the real thing and this is not it. The label says it was "bottled" in Carrollton, TX, which means that it was most likely made by a soccer mom on Pinterest while she waited for her kids to get out of Pilates class.
#11 – Tennessee Titans
Taylor Lewan, OL
HT: Adam Schefter is about to have a stroke because he thinks Johnny is going to Dallas.
RF: The cry of relief from this Texans fan that the traitor Titans didn’t take Johnny was deafening.
#12 – New York Giants
Odell Beckham, WR
HT: When a player moves from Baton Rouge to New York nothing can possibly go wrong.
RF: A QB who blindly heaves balls into the air needs the best wide receivers money can buy.
#13 – St. Louis Rams
Aaron Donald – DL
HT: A player from Pitt was selected ahead of Johnny, which means this might just be a hallucination inside Spilly’s head.
RF: I don’t know who this guy is, but I don’t need to know because he plays for St. Louis.
#14 – Chicago Bears
Kyle Fuller, DB
RF: Any player that can maintain that level of focus while ignoring Frank Beamer’s goiter must be good.
HT: Are we allowing goiter jokes? Yes. Yes we are.
#15 – Pittsburgh Steelers
Ryan Shazier, LB
RF: I think the Steelers just picked Charlie Villanueva.
HT: The stage is now properly set for the Cowboys to continue to crush my soul.
#16 – Dallas Cowboys
Zack Martin, OL
HT: Once again Jerry Jones electrifies the fan base with a perfectly sensible pick because he knows that 9 wins will get you sheep to keep filling the stands.
RF: I hope you are as disappointed as I was.
Current beverage: Buffalo Bayou More Cowbell. If China were overpopulated with hops instead of people, it would be this beer.
#17 – Baltimore Ravens
C.J. Mosley, LB
HT: Do you have any idea how much money this guy will make now?
RF: As much as he made in college?
#18 – New York Jets
Calvin Pryor, S
HT: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Pryor is on fire.
RF: Rex Ryan’s scouting report says "Hard hitting safety, beautiful delicate feet."
#19 – Miami Dolphins
Ja’Wuan James, OL
RF: There seem to be a lot of players suffering from alopecia these days.
HT: Incognito has already texted this man about the promiscuity of his mother.
#20 – New Orleans Saints
Brandin Cooks, WR
HT: It’s good to know exactly which players I will be watching the Cowboys ineffectually defend next season.
RF: Brandin is only smiling because he doesn’t realize that the streets of New Orleans aren’t paved with marijuana.
Current beverage: Southern Star Bombshell Blonde
#21 – Green Bay
Ha Ha Clinton Dix, DB
HT: There is nothing funny about Ha Ha Clinton Dix.
RF: This is a fantastic pick at 21st overall.
#22 – Cleveland Browns
Johnny Manziel, QB
HT: So ends the career of Johnny Football.
RF: I think he is going to be awesome for them I am drunk.
Current beverage: Frio Light. It’s everything you would expect a grocery store in-house brand light beer to be – like the Frio River itself this stuff is 70% water and 30% alcohol-rich tourist urine.
#23 – Kansas City Chiefs
Dee Ford, DL
RF: Yeah yeah who cares. Johnny Football is a Cleveland Brown.
HT: After the Dee Ford pick ESPN finally unloaded two hours worth of pent up Manziel highlights.
#24 – Cincinnati Bengals
Darqueze Dennard, DB
HT: Moving on up from East Lansing to Cincinnati.
RF: We’re at the point in the draft where it doesn’t matter how drunk we are, we never would have known who this guy is.
#25 – San Diego Chargers
Jason Verrett, DB
HT: I feel like it’s an unfair advantage to be able to jot down receivers’ routes on your scalp like that.
RF: John Gruden just called this guy a "ball magnet."
#26 – Philadelphia Eagles
Marcus Smith, DL
HT: "…the Philadelphia Eagles select Jesus Christ." [booooos unending booooos why would anyone live in this shithole boooooos]
RF: Why are they famous for cheesesteaks when they put Cheez Whiz on them? Dogs won't even eat that.
#27 – Arizona Cardinals
Deone Bucannon, DB
RF: People could learn from these fans’ attitude of mystified optimism.
HT: This player is not well known enough for how drunk I am.
#28 – Carolina Panthers
Kelvin Benjamin, WR
HT: Remember when Marquise Lee was supposed to be the greatest receiver in all the land?
RF: They must have printed jerseys for every player’s name, just in case. That means that somewhere backstage is a full complement of Manziel jerseys for every team in the league. I want those jerseys.
#29 – New England Patriots
Dominique Easley, DL
RF: Bill Belichick will strike him down and he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
HT: That doesn’t actually make any sense.
#30 – San Francisco 49ers
Jimmie Ward, DB
RF hands HT a new drink.
HT: What is this?
RF: Tequila, Cointreau, tonic, and agave nectar. I call it a margaritesque.
HT: What is wrong with you? [drinks]
#31 – Denver Broncos
Bradley Roby, DB
HT: This guy looks like Jadeveon Clowney’s Mini-Me.
RF: With this pick we have set the record for most dreadlocks drafted in the first round.
#32 – Minnesota Vikings
Teddy Bridgewater, QB
HT: Good news Texans fans! Derek Carr is still on the board for the second round!
RF: [weeps softly]
Somewhere in the back of the fridge, two Smirnoff Ice continue to wait for their opportunity to strike. Soon.