Behind the Mascot: 1980s Ol' Sarge

@cuppycup

"OL' SARGE" is back, for better or worse. It's time to talk.

Amid the excesses of the '80s, a fresh face emerged in Aggieland. Bold, daring, and completely new, his fame was short-lived in stoic College Station (he appeared in the first half of a game in 1987 and was booed out of the stadium by halftime) and he quickly faded into obscurity, becoming a ghost of a legend on Internet message boards and a fading memory among an aging alumni base. But now, nearly three decades later, his old stomping grounds at Kyle Field are getting a long-overdue facelift. Rumors are swirling that Ol' Sarge might join the reunion tour.

But is he ready? Where has he been? Would he still have his sideline chops?

Here is his story.

Steven Adler, Musician. I think it was around Christmas '87. Dallas or Houston or some shit. I look over stage left as we're closing out "Rocket Queen" and there's this big ol' goofy-lookin'--huh? Uh yeah, I'll take cheese on it.--Sorry. This goofy damn guy in this park ranger hat or somethin' and he's got these two fine chicks with him. I sorta looked over at Slash and he shrugged so I gave the park ranger guy the thumbs-up and he nodded all gravely and took the two chicks backstage. Never saw that dude again.

But Rock n' Roll wasn't the only thing Sarge got into to fill the void.

Rick Perry '72, Governor of Texas. Yeah, it was a weird time. In '90 I switched parties and ran against Hightower for Ag Commissioner. And Sarge was--don't get me wrong, I'm a Yell Leader and 100% anti-mascot--but damn if Sarge wasn't the best field guy I ever had. He must've hit ten thousand households in person. This was before the Internet, you understand: door-to-door was key. Hell, I bet he won me suburban Houston all on his own. Really miss that guy. Would I like to see him back at Kyle? No. But I'd like to see him again.

But Politics were not to be for Ol' Sarge. And Rock n' Roll was turning to Grunge. It was time for something new.

Lisa Kudrow, actress. Ol' Sarge? Of course I'd love to see him again. I owe him my career. Not many people know this, but he co-wrote 78 episodes of "Friends." He was such a good...listener, ya know? If I ever had a question about one of my lines, he'd just patiently hear me out and scratch through it with a pencil and come up with something better right there on the spot. Never said much though, but I always felt he did his talking through his writing. I feel like Phoebe really connected to Sarge. Do you know who he dedicated the song "Smelly Cat" to? [giggling]

As we know, Showbusiness can be a fickle and unrelenting mistress. Soon Ol' Sarge found himself about as far away from his roots as he could've imagined: the West Coast.

Jeff Bezos, Amazon.com founder. Hahaha, ohhh, Sarge. He was so far ahead of his time. Here we are almost broke, all the other internet companies are floundering, and he gets this crazy idea; must've been late 2000 or early '01. We stole a bunch of paper from an abandoned AOL office, printed out all the user account records that we stole from Napster as they were about to go under, shredded it in the old Pets.com office across the street, grabbed a few stickers while we were there, then sold it for 8 bucks a bag on Amazon as "environmentally and cyberspace-conscious" cat litter to hipsters in SoCal and Seattle. Man, I owe that guy...

World-weary from years of travel and with a healthy nest egg in his pocket, Sarge decided it was time to settle down for a while. At a quiet villa on the coast of Spain.

(Translated in a comically poor manner from garbled French)

Zinedine Zidane, French footballer soccer player. Yes, Sarge. I meet him in early 2004 jogging on beach. We talk training. He looks old, and I know it is my last World Cup. I accept training. He is very tough. Very tough. No joking, no wine, few women. When France make the final, I'm so proud. I invite him. I know his past. His eyes, they light up when he step on the pitch. I get mad at Italians and look over at my trainer. He nod 'yes' slowly. I headbutt Italian. Sarge slowly shake head 'no' and walk off pitch. I do not find him after match. I will not forgive.

Having had enough of Europe, and well-aware of the capabilities of the Marseille Mafia, Ol' Sarge returned Stateside in early 2007. Things were fairly quiet for him over the next few years until this exclusive interview with indie anagram blog Hub Dolt Lounging in mid-2010.

****ing iPad...what a joke. I told that **** Jobs "hey man...just wait: your own technology's gonna catch up with it in six months!" ...but no. What do I know. I only weathered the dotcom bubble with Amazon...and some other stuff. Just a big-ass phone that you can't even call anybody on. Nobody's gonna buy this ****....**** [interview discontinued]

Ol' Sarge has since refused phone calls and texts, but he is reportedly on hiatus in rural southern Louisiana, where he has taken up amateur wood sculpturing. Any leads on his whereabouts would be greatly appreciated, as we would like to contact him about appearing on the sidelines of Kyle Field once again.

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