The Running Manziel

By 2013 College Football has collapsed. Single bar facemasks and wishbone formations are in short supply. The NCAA rules with an iron hand complete ineptitude. Television access is controlled by a sadistic organization called ESPN. No dissent is tolerated and yet a small resistance movement has managed to survive in College Station, Texas. Johnny Manziel is... The Running Man.

Over Radio: As you were Johnny. Proceed with plan Alpha. All memorabilia must be signed.

Johnny: To hell with you I will not sign for money. Abort mission!

MEDIA PERSONNEL IN SEEDY FLORIDA HOTEL ATTACK JOHNNY BUT HE ESCAPES

***

SARAH'S APARTMENT

SARAH BEGINS DOING SIT-UPS IN FRONT OF HER TV

TV News Announcer: We interrupt Tim Tebow's trip to Dairy Queen to bring you this urgent news bulletin.

Joe Schad: ESPN officials are engaged in a door-to-door search for autograph brokers who will claim to have paid Johnny Manziel for signing. Known as "Johnny Football", Manziel went berserk seven months ago and signed 4 million mini-helmets according to sources who showed a video to our sources. The word "rims" or "trims" or "whims" was clearly audible in the video which self-destructed after it was viewed. We will now return...

JOHNNY PUTS A HAND OVER SARAH'S MOUTH

Johnny: Don't make a sound, this isn't what it looks like.

SARAH SLAPS JOHNNY'S HAND AWAY AS SPORTS BUSINESS REPORTER DARREN ROVELL EMERGES FROM UNDER A COUCH CUSHION AND TAZES JOHNNY WITH 50,000 VOLTS.

Rovell: The voltage drops to 15% after initial contact. RT if you've ever been tazed or FAV if you've tazed someone else. FIRST LOOK: "Don't taze me, bro" video from U of Florida where Gatorade was invented. Gatorade comes in 32 varieties.

***

LOCKER ROOM BEFORE ALABAMA GAME

JOHNNY IS RESTRAINED AND BEING GIVEN INJECTIONS

Med Tech #1: We'll see how fast this clown runs when we're done with him. Triple the Manning Camp dosage.

Med Tech #2: Inter-OVO injection. Crazy legs injection. Procedure complete.

JOHNNY BLACKS OUT AND WAKES UP 3-1 AFTER DEFEATING SMU

***

THE RUNNING MAN STAGE

MUSIC AND DANCING

Finebaum

Finebaum: And who loves you and who do you love?

Audience: PAAAAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL!!!

Finebaum: One more time!

Audience: PAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!!

Finebaum: YES!

APPLAUSE

JOHNNY ESCORTED ON STAGE

Audience: Boo!

JOHNNY'S CLOTHES TORN OFF IN UNSUPERMANLIKE WAY TO REVEAL 'RUNNERS' OUTFIT WITH NO BEVELS AND HE IS CLAMPED INTO A VACUUM SLED

Manziel

Finebaum: Now Johnny Manziel could have taken a real suspension for his actions and paid the penalty but instead he volunteered for The Running Man...and has a chance at our fabulous prizes like a trip to Missouri, a hot meal at Waffle House, or our grand prize, a BCS Bowl Game like our past winner Cam Newton.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Finebaum: Without further adieu, it's time to start running!

JOHNNY IS SUCKED INTO VACUUM SLED TUBE

Finebaum: Marjorie Kogslotter, come on down!

Marjorie: Eeeek!

Finebaum: Whoa there, Marjorie. It looks like you may have played some linebacker there yourself. Now give me the name of the stalker you'd like to send down there to hunt Johnny Football.

Marjorie: They're all so good, except for Mullen.

Finebaum: Quickly.

Marjorie: Coach Hugh Freeze!

***

HUGH FREEZE ENTERS THE GAME ZONE WEARING LONGHORN CARCASSES INSTEAD OF SHOES

Freeze

FREEZE KNOCKS JOHNNY OVER WITH A GIANT SACK OF RECRUITING MONEY AND CUTESY LETTERS

Freeze: [unintelligible Mississippi taunt]

JOHNNY GETS TO HIS FEET

Johnny: Come on, big boy!

AS FREEZE LUMBERS TOWARD HIM, JOHNNY SUMMONS MIKE EVANS WHO RIPS OUT HUGH FREEZE'S HEART... AGAIN.

Audience: Ohhhh.

SILENCE

Finebaum: Ladies and gentleman, this is terrible. A great champio... coach has fallen. We'll be right back after these important messages.

***

Audience: Firebald! Firebald! Firebald! Buzzsas [pronounced Buzzsaw]! Buzzsas!

Clay Travis: I can't decide, they're both so inferior to me.

Finebaum: Then don't decide, Clay. Hard decisions call for hard solutions, just ask Fox Sports 1. You asked for 'em, Clay, and you got 'em.... the tag team of Bret 'Buzzsas' Bielema and James 'Firebald' Franklin!

BIELEMA ENTERS THE GAME ZONE WITH JOHNNY WHILE FRANKLIN STAYS BEHIND TO FLIRT WITH JEN BIELEMA.

Franklin: You know, I will not hire an assistant coach until I've seen his wife. If things don't work out against Rutgers, I'll introduce you to my staff.

Bielema

BIELEMA RIDES ACROSS THE PLAYING SURFACE ON A MOTORBIKE AS IS CUSTOMARY FOR ARKANSAS COACHES. FLAB POKES THROUGH HIS NETTED SHIRT LIKE PLAY-DOH.

Bielema: Wooooooooooooo pig. Sooie.

Johnny: Sorry Coach, but it's my turn to hog the spotlight.

JOHNNY DANCES AROUND THE MOTORBIKE AS BIELEMA SPINS IN CIRCLES. THE BIKE OVERHEATS AND BURSTS TO PIECES LIKE RAZORBACK PUNT COVERAGE. BIELEMA'S CAREER LATER DIES AT A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL IN KENTUCKY.

Bobby Petrino: Karma.

***

Audience (chanting): Firebald! Firebald! Firebald!

FRANKLIN ZIPS UP HIS FLY AND APPROACHES THE PLAYING SURFACE

Franklin

FRANKLIN FIRES HIS FLAMETHROWER AT JOHNNY BUT IT FLAMES OUT LIKE VANDERBILT'S PRESEASON EXPECTATIONS

Johnny: Now you're on the hot seat.

Franklin: But I'm standing.

Johnny: Anchor down, Jimmy.

Franklin: What? I don't get it. Is that a pun?

Johnny: You didn't Vanderbuild this. (points to stomach)

FRANKLIN'S HEAD EXPLODES

Johnny: Tennessee ya later.

Intercom: You can stop that now.

***

OPERATIC SINGING IN THE DISTANCE (WHEELS ON THE BUS)

"CLAP IF YOU LOVE DYNAMILES" SIGN LIGHTS UP AND AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY

Miles

JOHNNY IS ELECTROCUTED BY DYNAMILES' ELECTRICAL LAUNCHER AND FALLS TO GROUND DRAMATICALLY

MILES IS NOW IN HIS UNDERWEAR

Miles: La, la, la, la (in opera voice) is the state abbreviation not Lou. I thought we took care of you last year, neighbor.

Johnny: Tivy... Fight... Never...... Dies

MILES APPROACHES JOHNNY AND STANDS OVER HIM LOOKING PUZZLED (not in reaction to anything specific, that's just his look)

MILES RESTS THE TIP OF HIS ELECTRICAL LAUNCHER AGAINST JOHNNY'S FOREHEAD

Miles: Aren't you gonna scream or give thought to doing that in retrospect?

JOHNNY PURSES HIS LIPS AND WHISTLES STRIDENTLY

AN ELEGANT, WELL-GROOMED COLLIE CALMLY ENTERS THE ARENA CARRYING A DEAD ANIMAL IN ITS DAINTY MOUTH. THE DEAD ANIMAL IS LSU'S FORMERLY LIVE TIGER, MIKE. REVEILLE DROPS THE DEAD TIGER AND LETS OUT A SINGLE, SILKY BARK. THE STUDIO AUDIENCE EXITS ABRUPTLY.

IN A WHIRLWIND OF LIMBS AND HAIR, REVEILLE TEARS MILES APART LIKE A JEREMY HILL RAP SHEET AND IS AWARDED A SILVER STAR.

***

Finebaum: Well, I guess we can all go home now. Wait, what's that?

FINEBAUM PRESSES HIS EARPIECE TIGHTER TO HIS ELEPHANTINE EAR

Finebaum: Ladies and gentleman, I've got an update on tonight's incredible action. Apparently, there is a school from Missouri in our conference.

AUDIENCE GASPS

PA System: Captain Freebooze to wardrobe. Captain Freebooze to wardrobe.

Finebaum: And Johnny has entered the final quadrant!

***

GARY PINKEL IS TOO INTOXICATED TO ENTER THE GAME ZONE.

Finebaum (into lapel microphone): Activate the traveling map of Pinkel beating the Aggies in 2011 and transpose Manziel onto the footage. This better work, pal, or you'll be a digital memory.

Pinkel

TV AUDIENCE CHEER AND CHANT: "Johnny... Johnny... Johnny..."

VIDEO SCREEN SHOWS PINKEL IMPALING JOHNNY WITH A SHARPIE

FEED IS INTERRUPTED BY SIGNAL FROM SECRET BROADCAST CENTER AT GBH HEADQUARTERS

"FINEBAUM IS LYING TO YOU" TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN IN EMBOSSED COMIC SANS FONT

Female Audience Member: Hey, what's going on PAWWWWWWWWLLLL?

SOUTH FLORIDA VIDEO FOOTAGE IS SHOWN OF MANZIEL RESCUING 12 PUPPY AMPUTEES AS HE STORMS OUT OF THE APARTMENT

12 FLAG GIRLS LINE A PATH AND JOHNNY ENTERS THE STAGE HOLDING 2 SPARKLERS AS KANYE WEST'S 'POWER' BLARES OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER

Finebaum: You look pissed, Johnny... Believe me, you've got every right to be. But this is television, that's all this is. I say whatever they want me to say. It's about ratings. Alabamans love sports, they love violence, they love Leprechauns. We're number 1, Johnny. That's all that counts.

Johnny: I haven't been in show business as long as you, Paul. But I'm a quick learner and am going to give the audience what they want. (makes ambiguously controversial hand sign)

JOHNNY PUTS FINEBAUM IN VACUUM SLED AND BEGINS MAKING FLAMING DR PEPPERS FOR JEN BIELEMA, FORGETTING ABOUT FINEBAUM WHO EVENTUALLY DIES OF STARVATION

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