Every time I come into College Station, there are a few things that just catch my eye and immediately cause a cringe-barf-laser eye at you sort of reaction. Some call this "New Army" (I am looking at you, old North Sider, and honestly, anything you think is "New Army" also includes women's rights and the "no shitting on the hand rails of your Walton dorm ramp")... I call it stupidity.
I wanted to address this, so that if you see me, behind a very large glass of vodka and grapefruit juice you will know why you have been scorned by me. You also, most likely, have been scorned by others, but especially by me. And yes, some of these are gender-neutral but, I'm like Johnny and I will let the haters hate.
1. T-Shirts about Johnny Football. Like, OMG yall, our quarterback has been scorned by a cable-outlet that also created Hannah Montana, Xenon: Girl of the 21st Century and Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Get over it, we are now fuqing awesome, begin to act like it. Don't turn into Florida yall. JUST DONT. WE WILL END UP WITH WILL MUSCHAMP AND HE IS LIKE TERRIBLE. Also, wearing t-shirts to games make us more and more like Florida fans. If you are in a T-shirt and Jorts, I will make you change. Seriously, we aren't hunting or doing farming stuff.
2. Not witty signs at College Game Day. I swear, the first time I saw "Hi, I'm Asian." I laughed. I really did. Now 6 years later, lets move up from that. What I would like to see is, "Everyday Saban Prays to NoneotherthanSatan" done up in the ESPN letters. Ok, something better. This is your challenge.
3. T-SHIRT DRESSES. Ladies (and, well, mostly the boyfriends of said ladies) if you decide to don a t-shirt dress, please do not be surprised that your boyfriend also wears cargo shorts. PLEASE. T-shirt dresses are the cargo shorts of our gender. Yeah, they were cool in 2006, but now, stupid. So dumb. Just stop. If you need any ideas about what to wear to gameday, please see the following article. Still confused? Wear some fuqing shorts and a tanktop that's white/black/maroon. But, for the love of GOD, no. They are almost as bad as....
4. OVERALLS. I am going to only write this one sentence in non-caps because this stuff is so terrible. IF YOU WEAR OVERALLS AND ARE NOT A YELL LEADER, MAY YOU GET A SUNBURN ON HALF OF YOUR FACE ON THIRD DECK, AND THEN PROCEED TO PEEL THE REST OF THE SEMESTER. I DONT CARE IF YOU ARE LIKE THE BEST PAINTER EVER. JUST NO. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
5. Referencing our mascot as a "Fighting Farmer". Guys, this makes me quite uncomfortable. I did not go to school for farming. I am from the suburbs, I work in an office, I only like nature in a limited sort of way. Please, please, please, respect our mascot. Lady Reveille is the baddest bitch in Aggieland and we need to respect that. She is a living dog. Not an invisible farmer. (RIP REV VII, NEVER FORGET)
6. Sober People. Yall, i want rioting in the street. For the love of all that is good in the world of football, just release the Kraken on the 'Bama fans. I was at the game last year, and i seriously have never felt so much joy or love in my life, and I got engaged like a month later. Bama>Engagement. Ask fiance, he will agree. We laughed. We Cried. And if we win, I want Northgate to rain bills. I want Coach Sumlin to become a unicorn. These are my dreams. Help make them happen. (Also, of note: Please do not tear down our own goal posts. This is like so embarrassing, and then we would be of the same kin as Tech and Baylor.)