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As the opening kickoff of the 2013-2014 college football season approaches, the Aggies find themselves no longer strangers or rookies in the SEC. They gave as good as they got and went farther and achieved more than anyone dreamed from that inaugural season. Since then they have waded through a dull and completely uneventful off season SHUTYOURDAMNMOUTH.
Now that we have experience on our side let's review what more we know about the head coaches we will be facing in the SEC West this season. Sure we could talk about X's and O's, offensive schemes, recruiting tactics, and other minutae, but I prefer to leave that to the incredibly professional sports journalists all over the country who use the highest levels of integrity to report on only fact-checked information. I prefer to learn from my mentor Johnathan Manziel: if it can't be said in a single tweet, it ain't worth sayin'. As such, I present your crash-course on the coaches of the SEC West!
Nick Saban
via thebiglead.fantasysportsven.netdna-cdn.com
Team | Alabama |
Best Anagram | A Snack Bin |
Career in 140 characters… | Small android from Belichick tree, brought wins to MSU, success to LSU, flopped in the NFL, then created soulless win machine at Alabama |
Ideal Movie Role | Gort - The Day The Earth Stood Still |
Currently Reading | Finding the Winning Edge by Bill Walsh |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …devoid of purpose. |
In GIF form:
via www.sectalk.com
Bret Bielema
Team | Arkansas |
Best Anagram | Babe, Liter Me |
Career in 140 characters… | Iowa player-alum-assistant-tattoo-owner, dominated at Wisconsin, hired by Arkansas to return an air of decorum to the head coach position |
Ideal Movie Role | Ogre - Revenge of the Nerds |
Currently Reading | Ingredients, Bag of Funyuns |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …on a boat on Lake Havasu. Every. Fucking. Day. |
In GIF form:
via jokesaboutcancer.files.wordpress.com
Gus Malzahn
via static3.businessinsider.com
Team | Auburn |
Best Anagram | Hang Alums Z |
Career in 140 characters… | Offensive guru from the Nutt tree, set records at Tulsa, OC'd Cam Newton to MNC and Heisman, HC'd Arky State, now the prodigal son returns |
Ideal Movie Role | George McFly - Back To The Future |
Currently Reading | Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …a member of the Geek Squad. |
In GIF form:
Les Miles
via media.nola.com
Team | LSU |
Best Anagram | Seems ill |
Career in 140 characters… | The Hat assisted at Mich, CU, OSU, and the Dallas Cowboys, turned around OSU as HC while a man and not 40, now wins at LSU despite himself |
Ideal Movie Role | Willie Wonka - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory |
Currently Reading | The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …sedated and tagged for further study. |
In GIF form:
Dan Mullen
Team | Mississippi State |
Best Anagram | An Dull Men |
Career in 140 characters… | QB coach for Urban Meyer at BG, QB coach for Meyer at Utah, OC for Meyer at Florida, so successful when not held back by Meyer at MSU |
Ideal Movie Role | Cousin Eddie - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation |
Currently Reading | What Color Is Your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …selling used cars in Pascagoula. |
In GIF form:
Hugh Freeze
Team | Ole Miss |
Best Anagram | Huh? Geez Ref! |
Career in 140 characters… | Assisted at Ole Miss, HC in the NAIA, taught Arky State to win, returned to HC Ole Miss to win at recruiting through totally legit means |
Ideal Movie Role | Coach Yoast - Remember The Titans |
Currently Reading | How To Program Your DVR by Motorola |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …hunted for sport in Alabama. |
In GIF form:
Kevin Sumlin
via bloximages.newyork1.vip.townnews.com
Team | Texas A&M |
Best Anagram | Unveils Mink |
Career in 140 characters… | Former LB turned offensive guru, assistant under Slocum at A&M, OC at OU for Stoops, took UH to new heights, HC'd A&M to success in the SEC |
Ideal Movie Role | Roger Murtaugh - Lethal Weapon |
Currently Reading | Offer of Employment by New York Jets |
If He Weren't A Coach He Would Be... | …your state's 4th congressional district representative. |
In GIF form:
via i.imgur.com