Wildcard: It's Almost Football Season...


This is the Wildcard, a weekly segment where I take on your weird hypothetical questions one by one in hopes of keeping you entertained during the offseason WHICH IS ALMOST OVER!

It's August, y'all.

It's so August. It's getting sticky hot outside. The evenings are starting to feel like a nice sauna. The mosquitos are lifting weights and using PEDs. ESPN is going full-Tebow on our quarterback and contemplating a brand shift by merging with TMZ or E!.

All of these things are great, but they won't matter in a few weeks because it's about to be football season. I don't think I did that enough justice. IT IS ALMOST FOOTBALL SEASON! Do you know what that means? It means...

Ranger is going to start posting those amazing grad-school level football breakdowns again. Oh man, I can't wait. Those things become my weekly Zapruder Film. "Manziel went back...and to the left...and scored. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left."

CuppyCup is going to have gif fodder and once again do battle with LSUFreek.

More Ken Burns SEC Letters?

Derek and Hunter will give you a weekly breakdown of our opponents on the Around Aggieland show.

Dr. Camacho will be finding a new best-seller to spoof brilliantly.

The Tailgate.

There's almost too much to list, but these are the things that hit me first. We will have football and soon enough, you will have a 6 month vacation from the Wildcard. Oh, right, I have to write the Wildcard now. Here we go. First question!

I like your moxie with this question, Chad. I think you're really starting to push the envelope on the excrement based WYR question. I really don't think this is a discussion, though. When you're fabulously wealthy, everything you do is considered "eccentric," especially the more revolting things. "Did you see Lady Gaga the other day, she went to the airport dressed in meat! How... artistic! How...amazing!"

Well, I want a taste of that lifestyle, and if it means browning outside then, well - deal with it. I'll squat out there for hours. I'd probably have a custom dump-chair/umbrella made for me. It'd be collapsable and turn into a nice looking leather briefcase that I'd have handcuffed to my wrist. What good is being fabulously wealthy if you can't walk around with a briefcase handcuffed to your wrist? OH! You know those awesome little sod cutters that make the holes on golf courses? I'D GET A BIGGER ONE TO CUT THE HOLES FOR MY OUTDOOR POTTY OF THE DAY! You know what, I may just start doing this anyway. Thanks, Chad.

Great sales pitch, guy. Seriously, Andrew, you may be the parent that gives the family vacation options where the tone never matches the destination. "Kids, your mother and I talked it over and we've decided to take the family on a 15 day vacation to NORTH KOREA! WHO'S EXCITED?!?! WE MIGHT BECOME POLITICAL PRISONERS! WON'T THIS BE FUN???"

To answer your question...I guess I'd take the former. Not that I'd miss booze all that much, it's just why bother drinking it if you're not going to get the desired effect? It just doesn't make any sense. The not having to sleep implies that you can stay awake for hours and avoid any negative side-effects of sleep depravation. This means you could be insanely productive with the lack of internet and more hours in the day. I could probably channel all my misspent energy into something that would help people as opposed to making dick jokes on the internet all day. And when I want to sleep, I can do so by having a nice glass of bourbon before hand.

The former and it's not even close. There are only so many weeks of football and I think I'd really enjoy watching a game with those two guys. Say what you will about either of them (and we will, trust me) but they've played and coached football at the highest levels. The insight that they could actually bring in casual conversation would dwarf the talking points and sound bytes they're reduced to by the network. It would be an absolute blast to sit down with those two men, have a few beers, watch games and toss around some fun sports-points. Why not?

Ready for football season? Wanna discuss a hypothetical of your own? Hit me up on twitter or in the comments, I'm pretty responsive.

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