I’m baaaack! And since I’m an equal opportunity fashion critic, it’s time to dissect what’s appropriate for the average male Aggie to wear at Kyle Field. I’d like to preempt this Fanpost by stating that the following rules are for the average aged man/student at Kyle Field. I’m not directing any fashion advice at Old Ags. You are free to rock whatever you West-Siders want including your black dress socks and white mall walking shoes. You have earned that right, so God bless you and Gig ‘em.
For everyone else, let’s get down to it.
First on the list is the issue of shorts. If you haven’t gotten the memo, apparently cargo shorts have gone out of style. I have to tread lightly here because my husband’s cargo shorts are the delivery vehicle for 99% of the stuff I bring into Kyle Field on a gameday. I don’t want to suddenly find myself in that long-ass line on August 31st waiting to get a purse inspected, so I need to watch what I say on the subject. My personal opinion is that the majority of cargo shorts are a fine choice for gameday apparel. My rules for cargo shorts are:
1) No camouflage (you’re not going to a paintball war). Choose a plain khaki only.
2) Make sure your cargo shorts are a normal length and not bordering on "manpris" (man capri pants – think Jersey Shore and steer clear).
Also appropriate (and maybe a better choice) is a nice pair of plain, khaki golf shorts. Length should be determined by the fitness of your legs and the amount of hair growing on them. Men who sit in a cubicle all day in dress pants should evaluate how badly they will blind someone with the paleness of their legs.
The second clothing item of serious debate is jerseys. Question: Should a grown man wear a football jersey? Answer: Only if the man wearing it is on the active team roster.
As much as I like a 12th Man Jersey (we’ll get to those in a minute), a grown man shouldn’t wear the jersey of another grown man. This phenomenon is a constant source of jokes between my friends. "Wow, Peyton Manning sure hasn’t aged well – I don’t recall him having grey hair OR a beer gut!" "Hey look – it’s Von Miller the 40 year old accountant!"
Y’all, I’m really not looking forward to all the #2 jerseys we are going to see this fall nor the bodies on which they will be displayed. I know Johnny wants us to all walk a day in his shoes, but wearing his jersey to watch him play football is a little creepy if you are over the age of 12. Last year my son wore the letters off his #25 jersey and probably would’ve done the same to a #2 jersey had Adidas been clairvoyant and sold them prior to the season starting. But he just recently turned 13 and will play football for his junior high this fall. His interest in wearing the jersey of another player has waned. He turned down the offer of a #2 jersey and said he will wear a Maroon Out tshirt to the games this season. So if a 13 year old instinctively feels that it’s not cool to wear another athlete’s uniform, then I think you grown fellers should explore other apparel options as well.
The 12th Man jerseys are a different animal because they are not specific to one player. And the 12th Man is a unique brand to our beloved school. It’s who we are – the 12th Man standing with the team, ready to take the field at a moment’s notice. The #12 jersey is sacred and I personally have no problem with men wearing 12th Man jerseys to Aggie football games. Discuss it in the comments section - I’ll hang up and listen on this issue.
The third item of consideration for gameday apparel is footwear. There are strict rules that you must adhere to:
1) No plastic flip flops. Back in the day, these hideous things used to be called "shower shoes" – and for good reason. No one outside your shower should ever see your cracked heels, hairy toes or janky toenails.
2) You may only wear nice leather sandals or flip flops if you meticulously maintain your feet. Women spend the equivalent of the GDP of Uganda on pedicures and foot maintenance to earn the right to wear those bedazzled flip flops. Take a page from our playbook and pay attention to your feet.
3) Better yet – wear running shoes.
The last topic to discuss is overall appearance and hygiene.
1) If you wear a tshirt, take a gander at the back of your neck. Make sure your ape drape is cleaned up and you don’t have hair coming out of the back of your shirt.
2) Wear deodorant but NO COLOGNE. We are all packed into Kyle Field like sardines and the mixture of Abercrombie and sweat should be left at the 7th grade spring dance where it belongs.
In conclusion, a Maroon Out tshirt is always a safe bet. Kinda like the Aggies -29 against Rice.
See you at the tailgate!