Let's Prance!

Today's Wildcard delves into the sophisticated eroticism of Prancercise, canine parental skills, invisible salt and the inner workings of a cat's mind. Please, be warned, these waters are choppy.

Scot: What is your favorite Prancercise move?

I hadn't ever heard of Prancercise, so I had to google this and OH MY BALLS IS IT WORTH YOUR WATCH. Fair warning: once you see the thing I'm not going to mention here (desert animal foot digit) you won't be able to stop yourself from seeing it. I'm telling you, it's like standing at the grand canyon and looking right at your feet. It's not possible to do. At one point in this youtube video, I swear it started telling me to kill John Lennon. Get it? It's the Catcher in the White Pants.

Joanna Rohrback is truly a genius. This little video is certain to have people silly-walking down its many hiking trails. If there's anything I can get behind, it's people being active and the line of site for the front of those pants.

*shudder*

Now, to choose between the various Prancercise movements? HOW CAN I PICK? That's like asking me to pick a favorite pet I've had. I know there's a favorite, but I don't want THEM to know there's a favorite. Here are my reviews of the moves and the accompanying musical score:

1: "Let's stop talkin' and do some walkin'"

You know it's time to exercise when generic guitar, piano and drums start rocking your face. Joanna doesn't mess around, she tells P90X to "get boned" and shows you that frolicking in ankle weights can lead to the beach body all you 20-somethings are striving to attain. That and the lycra pants. I'm sorry, I can't stop looking. This is the least complicated step you're going to get so far, so if you're having trouble at this point, just do the basic walk until you're ready to advance to…

2: "Step up the pace a little with the Prancercise Trot, it's really hot!"

You're damn right, Joanna. They should label Prancercise NSFW for many reasons (Joe Camel) but this is the top dog. I can't look at the Prancercise Trot with that nice little piano groove in the background without getting…urges. Joanna, if I growl, will you…Rohrback? Mmmmmmmmmmm…

3: "We're gonna really cut the noose and let it loose with the Prancercise gallop."

David Carridine and Michael Hutchence could have used this tape years ago, Joanna. Too little too late I guess. Joanna's a choker? I would never have guessed that at first glance, but you can't judge a Prancerciser by her cover. I guess everyone's a little bit of a freak sometimes. Watching Joanna gallop is like watching a more sultry version of this.

4: "It's better to be punching into space than IN YOUR FACE!"

You're damn right, Joanna. Watch Joanna Prancercise down that trail while defeating enemies of all sizes from all angles. She punches up. She punches down. She punches to the side. ALL FOES ARE VANQUISHED! Cuppy, please make this a gif. Please.

Scot, I gotta go with the gallop, but just by a hair.

Dabney: "Wes, did you know that if you take your hand and act like you're shaking salt on your tongue, your body gets confused and you can actually taste the salt? You can pick up the pepper shaker with the other hand and do this at the same time and taste both. Try it!"

No, Dabney! I had no idea! Everyone try this in a public place today.

Chad: Is it ok to leave your infant child at home while you go to the grocery store if you have a well trained dog to watch it? Now, bear in mind, this is a remarkable dog. Almost like Nana from Peter Pan.

Chad is referring to this children's book posted on imgur today.

Chad, if the dog in question is anything like the dog in this children's story, then hell yes it's OK to leave your child with it because the dog is likely a better parent than you'll ever be as a human. As humans, we can mess a kid right up with our preconceived notions about the way the world works, how to handle affairs and just how to live in general. The dog in this story does everything right. It's attentive, caring, loving, nurturing and doesn't leave the kid with any biases about other people or the way the world works. The dog leads this kid by example through love. I can get behind this school of parenting. I do have to question how the dog knows how to bathe a kid, yet still craps in the living room. Come on, dog. Get your shit together.

Parsons: If there existed a machine that was capable of telling us what cats think, would less women own cats?

First of all, I find this question sexist. I know several guys who own cats and they're all perfectly normal, well-adjusted individuals who hate sunlight, own panel vans and write Babylon 5 fan fiction. That aside, of freakin course. Actually, if we could tell what cats thought, I'd imagine there would be a species war between the humans and felines. The first time a human heard "If this motherfucker doesn't put that food out, Imma just DICE those curtains and take a chunk out of owner's arm" it'd be on. Ungrateful little bastards, cats. All of them. But at the same time…the nice ones are fuzzy buddies who just want a tummy rub. NO! CAT MIND CONTROL IS ALREADY IN PLACE! MUST...BUY...LASER...POINTER...

That's it for today's wildcard. Remember to taste the invisible salt today and have a good one.

Gig them. Gig them super hard.

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