FanPost

NOSIR: Kevin Sumlin to Coach Browns, Aggies Placed on Suicide Watch

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via bloguin.com

In a startling off-season development Kevin Sumlin has announced that he has accepted the position of head coach of the Cleveland Browns, confirming the deepest and darkest fears of every living Aggie across the globe. Although details for his contract are not available, there is already speculation amongst the Aggie faithful that he may be one of the highest paid first-time coaches in NFL history.

Coming off of a wildly successful 2012-2013 football season with Texas A&M University, the move is all the more surprising after Sumlin described coaching at A&M as a ‘dream job’ – a phrase Aggie fans have repeated constantly ever since in an effort to make it true.

"Texas A&M is a program that has been dormant for more than a decade, but I believe that all of the pieces are in place to return to power as a dominant program in college football," Sumlin said in August of 2012 to an openly weeping crowd of A&M students. "I am very excited about this opportunity and our potential."

Sumlin will have his work cut out for him in Cleveland, where the Browns have squandered a decade of high draft picks to accomplish little other than ensuring more high draft picks in the future. The former Purdue linebacker notably said nothing to address concerns – most of which were shouted at him by A&M fans as his moving truck drove out of town – about backup quarterback Colt McCoy’s durability or the assertion that Brandon Weeden throws like a girl. "I think that we will make a big splash in the NFL," Sumlin said when asked about his unique, run-heavy version of the Air Raid offense. "I assume that my quarterbacks will fit right into the system as they always seem to have my past jobs."

"Cleveland is a program that has been dormant for more than a decade, but I believe that all of the pieces are in place to return to power as a dominant program in the NFL," Sumlin said in March of 2013 to an openly weeping crowd of A&M students. "I am very excited about this opportunity and our potential."

When reached for comment, A&M fans were found to be eating directly from a tube of raw cookie dough, washing it down with rubbing alcohol, and sobbing soundlessly in the dark. Observers described the scene as "at the same time haunting and beautiful, as though the fan base were the subject of some century-spanning grand epic tragedy being written by a cold and uncaring god."

At press time Kevin Sumlin was reportedly visiting Kliff Kingsbury in Lubbock where they were engaged in what was described as "an elaborate series of fist bumps."

Hypno-Toad is a freelance writer for the Houston Journal of Things That Never Were. While he does suffer from night terrors, the bed-wetting is unrelated.

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