Making Love: The Vanilla Ice Way

This week's Wildcard examines the perfect CD to back your next lovemaking session. The answer: VANILLA ICE IS BACK!

You've got question, I have answer.

Today's question comes to me from my former Rivalries board cohoart @chada20tweets.

Chad, it's your lucky day as I have found the perfect album for lovemaking. I stumbled upon this little gem earlier in the week while brainstorming for my failed podcast The Safe Zone with @abcollins1010. Did you know that Vanilla Ice put out an entire album of cover songs? No? Well, he did. I'd wager that this is the perfect CD for love-making. If you're ready to listen, please enjoy this link and play along with me. Try not to let the urge to make sex on every female in your vicinity take over your soul. Please, keep your humanity while listening to this soul-freeing album.

Track 1: Ice Ice Baby

Yo, Vanilla. Kick it one time, boyeeeeeeeeeeee...

Straight-up ballsy lead track for a cover album. Cover yourself? No. "Can't be done," they said.

He did it anyway. Yes, you'll find that the newer rendition of Ice Ice Baby is...pretty much the old Ice Ice Baby. It harnesses raw sexual power inside a cellophane-wrapped chocolate candy piece of emotion. It's...yummy in the tummy. At this point, you should have your bottle of wine in the decanter, several candles lit (in safe places, we don't want any fires other than in your loins) and your fondue spread laid out for your lover to admire (this is not a euphemism unless you really want it to be).

Track 2: You Dropped a Bomb on Me

We were in motion, felt like an ocean / You were the girl for me...

F*** the fondue, it's time to get smooth. When the Ice man brings a cover of The Gap Band, you know it's time to board your first-class train-car to Pleasuretown, population...2? 3? I don't know what you're into, but it really doesn't matter. When this song starts with the signature line from the Skyrocket yell, it's on. Like Julio Bourbon. Shut up, all the other rhymes were overplayed. What do you care, you're doing over-the-clothes things and ignoring fondue spots on your lover's blouse/shirt/tanktop/hefty bag.

Track 3: Fight the Power

As the rhythm designed to bounce / What counts is that the rhymes / Designed to fill your mind

At this point I'm shocked that more and more children aren't named Vanilla. If he ever takes the stage at a karaoke night, watch out. His vocal stylings are potent enough to impregnate a man with no physical contact. That's right, we brought it back to "Junior."

What's going to be bouncing are your hormones, and if you live upstairs from someone, their chandelier. You may not be fighting the power, but what you will be fighting is the urge at your cellular level...to grow more sex organs. The sounds of Vanilla Ice beating a Public Enemy classic to death are so erotic that this track is literally banned from Hedonism.

Track 4: Jump Around

If you've got the feeling / Jump up, touch the ceiling...

I know what you're thinking "I NEED A GATORADE AND CLIFF BAR BREAK FOR ENERGY BUT THIS P.O.D. STYLE GUITAR AT THE INTRO HAS ME HARDER THAN CALCULUS TAUGHT IN HIEROGLYPHICS!"

We've all been there, but you can't stop now. Chafing is temporary but the pride in lasting through this whole album is forever.

Track 5: Baby Got Back

I wanna get you home / And UNH, double-up, UNH UNH...

Sir Mix-a-Lot was good, but he's no Ice. You'll find that out right from the get-go when this track kicks in. If your woman (man?) has no back, she (he?) will develop it instantly like a beautiful experiment in Darwinism. Insta-butt.

(Whip-crack noise)

Track 6: You Gots to Chill

No, you don't. Skip this one.

Track 7: I Got it Made

I'm kinda young--but my tongue speaks maturity / I'm not a child, I don't need nothin for security...

At this point you've lost all feeling in your feet, so you do have it made. Oh wait, you have to get through the next track. Nothing is made for you now.

Track 8: Buffalo Soldier

Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival...

I can't even make a joke about this. Things that will be fighting for survival are, in no particular order:

1. Your libido

2. Your will to live

3. Your speakers (they will develop feelings of depression upon playing this track)

If you can last through this song, you need to sign up for a Tiger Woods-style round of treatment because you are a full-blown sex-addict. This is just terrible.

The rest of the CD consists of two more tracks and then THREE MORE COVERS OF ICE ICE BABY! I can't believe that this is real. It's a Vanilla Ice night at the karaoke bar recorded to torture hostage takers. But, try it out. See what happens. If you have a special night of passion, thank me later.

This has been your Wildcard for the week, I love you all.

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