Today Wes will discuss how to advance one's career and Tiger's wood.
I'm in Austin right now for SXSW and let me tell you, I love this city. We can rag on the Horns all we want, but the city in which their university sits is a mixture of all things I love: music, food, outdoors and weirdness. I saw someone unironically walking an invisible dog on a leash yesterday through the exhibit hall. Seriously. This was a grown ass woman walking and talking with her invisible animal. I love this town.
Anyway, our first question comes from a frequent contributor (read: friend of mine that sympathetically feeds my ego by letting me pretend that people read this shit) @mysmthereens. He's good, you should follow him.
I'm looking to advance my career. What's my best course of action? Producing a sex tape, being cast in a reality TV show or just continuing to do a good job for my employer?
Sterling, I'm glad you asked this question. This week, I'm not going to do the lazy thing and just produce a chat with wheels-off answers to your query; I'm going to give you a good, thoughtful answer.
One would think that doing a good job for your employer would keep you in a job. This being said, there are a few things you could do if you want to keep on the straight and narrow path to corporate ascension.
1. Suck up to your boss like a bastard: I don't mean to become a yes-man. That's WAY too obvious. Start with a casual disagreement, but then let your boss show you how he's right. Act enlightened when he says anything that is to the contrary of your point of view. "Well, Sterling, see we can't do X because it would cut into our profit margin for Y." Gee, I never thought of it that way, sir. I'm so glad you're here to help me advance. I just love learning from you.
2. Sleep your way to the top: this is harder for guys. Pun intended. Take Viagra before work daily and walk around advertising the fact that you're ready to go. You'll be shocked with how women respond to this. Also, wear Kevlar that day because you're going to be viciously murdered by your female co-workers. HELLO WORKER'S COMP!
3. Just keep doing what you're doing: this will take longer, but it's probably your best bet since the first two will likely make you look stupid/get you fired and/or dead.
With regards to your other two options, I think that the sex-tape is the proven way to go. You need to sleep with some C or D-list celebrity to give yourself instant street cred. For you, Sterling, I'd recommend someone within the Aggie community. Someone from a certain website that a lot of people from A&M frequent. Someone with facial hair that only covers the chin. Someone who you can...recruit...to be in it with you. This will surely help you vault to the top of whatever career you choose. Surgeon General Mysmithereens presiding.
The next question comes from our founder and editor-in-chief ColoradoAg:
How many girls has Tiger Woods hooked up with since his horrible falling out with the wife and the public? I mean, he went to sex rehab (if that is actually a thing), but that kind of sordid behavior doesn't just flip off, right?
First of all, I don't know if "Sex Addiction" is actually a thing. I think what Tiger did is called "being a very wealthy and powerful man who got married too young to know how to handle it." South Park beat this thing to death, though; so I'll just continue with your question as it stands.
Basically you're asking how many people Tiger has laid his Woods to since Thanksgiving 2009? I'd say when he was slumping, it was because he wasn't going through his normal routine of waking up, hitting the gym, going to the range, eating lunch and knocking out a Denny's waitress before playing. Athletes are all superstitious people, and we all know the most superstitious of them all are golfers and baseball players. You can't mess with their routine, but you can sell these two kinds of people anything. The only other marketer's wet-dream is a wealthy suburban new mom. Seriously, they sell these people bracelets with magnets in them because it will "Make you more powerful." I'm in the wrong freakin business.I digress.
Seeing as Tiger has recently seemed to have gotten his groove back, I'd put the amount of women he's sleeping with to Lindsey Vonn and about 200 other women since Jan 1, 2013.
Got a question for me? Tweet me @thacktor or put it in the comments here. How many women do you think Tiger's keeping company with at the moment?