Dr. Norris Camacho, Lucas Jackson, ColoradoAg and Thacktor discuss what to expect when you're expecting...a hermaphrodite.
This week we get super weird thanks to @mysmithereens. Here's the question:
We're expecting our 2nd child in May. The 1st turned out fine; a boy. My wife and I think it's fun to be surprised by genders, but I'm still a worst-case scenario planner. We both think we'd adapt ok to a child with mental or physical disabilities. A transition period? Sure. However, I live in crippling fear of one particular scenario.
For real. What do you do? You've obviously got major decisions to make about keeping/removing genitalia, which gender to choose, names (pick a swing name or go hardcore in one direction?), what to tell your family/friends, what to tell your child themselves, etc.
Our OB-GYN says that I'm the first person to ever ask her these questions and our child would be the 1st she'd ever delivered — if not the 1st in the entire hospital. She is not at all concerned that this is likely. I tend to agree. We're 1-for-1 on mono-gendered kids, but I can't help but wonder how I'd react in this situation. There would be a ton of major decisions to make in a very short time period.
The hope of future generations is in your hands, Wes.
I couldn't answer this question alone, so I enlisted Dr. Norris Camacho, Lucas Jackson and ColoradoAg for assistance. The transcript of our discussion is below:
Thacktor: OK, you're on #HermTalk
ColoradoAg: 1. You gotta name the hermy kid Pat right?
Lucas Jackson: Jaime is acceptable.
Thacktor: Do you, though? Is that too much of a bit? Your kid may not be androgynous
Dr. Norris Camacho: If it looks like a girl early you could go with Stacy or Courtney, that way if it becomes a boy those are okay also.
Lucas Jackson: If you choose male, gotta go with Herm. YOU PAY TO KEEP THE GAME
Thacktor: OK, I guess the first thing is, do you decide right at birth?
Like if it's packing you clearly go male, right?
Dr. Norris Camacho: I'm going to throw this out there: why not let it be a hermaphrodite? Why choose at all?
ColoradoAg: I think you got to
Lucas Jackson: ditto
Thacktor: The Dr. has an interesting point
Dr. Norris Camacho: Imagine the unique opportunities available to the kid.
Thacktor: do you roll with both? is that an advantage?
Dr. Norris Camacho: Reality TV for starters.
ColoradoAg: letting a kid go through life as a herm when something else could have been done seems cruel
Thacktor: Can use either bathroom
Lucas Jackson: The Crash Test Dummies could write a song about that
Dr. Norris Camacho: MMM MMM MMM MMM
Thacktor: Play all sports, Title IX is his/her friend
ColoradoAg: was Jamie Lee Curtis a hermy?
Dr. Norris Camacho: "was"?
Thacktor: OOOOONNNNCCEEEE THERE WAS THIS KIIIIIIDD WHO HAD BOTH KINDS OF PLUMBING AND HAD TO GO TO SCHOOOL
Lucas Jackson: I think she got the snip
Thacktor: She did
Dr. Norris Camacho: Could become a crime reporter: Hermaphrodite Jones
ColoradoAg: say you sew up or snip down right at birth... do you ever tell the kid the truth?
Lucas Jackson: Chyna is a semi hermaphrodite
at least thats what I heard...
Thacktor: I think you have to tell them
That happened on Freaks and Geeks
Lucas Jackson: NEVER TELL YOUR KIDS THE TRUTH
Thacktor: Seth Rogan's girlfriend told him that she was a herm at birth
and he still loved her
so it could work, right?
ColoradoAg: I'd have issue with it, but I'm a puss and might be uh concerned with my preferences
Thacktor: That's a part of that storyline, he wonders if he might be gay because of it. I say no, but I could see how that would get in one's head.
Dr. Norris Camacho: Inside Seth Rogan's head is somewhere I'd rather not venture.
Thacktor: Fair, but let's not sidetrack. We have to solve the herm issue for Sterling.
Lucas Jackson: Kirsten Bell could be a former herm and it wouldn't bother me
Thacktor: Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
Dr. Norris Camacho: So how do you break the news to the kid if you do tell them? I say you preface it with some horrible news right beforehand and then tell them they were a herm to soften the blow.
Lucas Jackson: I say snip and stitch.
Dr. Norris Camacho: Then be like, "oh, by the way that first part was not true."
Thacktor: Wait, Both?
Dr. Norris Camacho: Eunuch?
Thacktor: Go full Ken doll?
Lucas Jackson: sorry, snip THEN stich
ColoradoAg: what happens with puberty? start growing cans?
Thacktor: No, I think they do hormone treatments? Maybe. I'm not a scientist! SOMEONE VERIFY AND MAKE US LESS IGNORANT
Dr. Norris Camacho: MMM MMM MMM MMM
Lucas Jackson: didn't work that way with Taylor Swift, Colorado.
Dr. Norris Camacho: Or Terrence Cody
ColoradoAg: /hustles to WebMD
Thacktor: GO GO GO
Dr. Norris Camacho: We need to also consult Yahoo! Answers
Lucas Jackson: /elevator music plays during GBH conference call
Thacktor: Who wrote Lola?
Because that's kinda appropriate, but she was a tranny, right?
Lucas Jackson: I dont know but he was not a Pepsi man
Thacktor: No, he preferred the Cherry Cola.
But he never specified a brand
Dr. Norris Camacho: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ag_TVhOd_fTjisNe1MTMyoIjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20061107082329AAM46y0
Lucas Jackson: I dont think so, but have you ever tried Cherry Pepsi? Nasty.
Thacktor: I LIKE CHERRY PEPSI WITH A FREEBIRD
Dr. Norris Camacho: Pepsi sucks.
ColoradoAg: holy shit wikipedia has images and now I am going to faint
Thacktor: But let's get into the yahoo answers link there
Dr. Norris Camacho: My favorite answer was provided by "assassin"
Thacktor: Colorado lost the blood from his brain, where'd it go?
Lucas Jackson: thats going to be a tough day at confession, Colorado.
Thacktor: OK, so what are the votes for choosing a path directly at birth/which gender do you choose and why?
ColoradoAg: I think I go girl and never tell her.
Thacktor: I say choose at birth and go girl as well.
Lucas Jackson: Go girl. Unless the kid is....extremely well endowed. You have to respect the gift
Dr. Norris Camacho: And then when she starts dating you pull the guy aside and tell him.
Lucas Jackson: BONUS
Thacktor: TOTAL BONUS
ColoradoAg: hahahaha /dies
Lucas Jackson: keep a baby pic handy just for that occasion
"have you seen pics of Jaime when she was a baby?"
Thacktor: But she can't get pregnant, right?
Dr. Norris Camacho: We just covered this on Yahoo! Answers, dude.
Thacktor: I know
So why would you end her date at the beginning?
Dr. Norris Camacho: "In humans, hermaphrodites are infertile."
Thacktor: I say announce it at graduation in front of the whole school or in her yearbook ad.
we hope all of herm dreams come true?
subtle like that?
Dr. Norris Camacho: "Oh, would you look at that. They misspelled such a simple word."
Lucas Jackson: Does Jaime Lee Curtis have any children?
ColoradoAg: might get a movie/book deal out of it
Thacktor: I don't know, Lucas.
She may have adopted if she's truly a herm, though.
ColoradoAg: adopted children
Dr. Norris Camacho: I searched Yahoo! Answers for "does Jaime Lee Curtis have children" and got the question "What is the percentage of the population born as hermaphrodites"
Lucas Jackson: she married the six-fingered man
Thacktor: So go girl, make her a famous actress? Is that the route?
Lucas Jackson: but really, wouldnt a herm dominate the WNBA?
Dr. Norris Camacho: So in summary: Jaime Lee Curtis is the greatest hermaphrodite success story to date.
Lucas Jackson: I think thats a second career choice
Dr. Norris Camacho: Juwanna Mann
Thacktor: So you get busy rebounding in the paint and then act your face off?
Best case scenario?
ColoradoAg: yeah. kind of wish I would have been born a herm
Thacktor: That's my new sigline on GBH. From CoAg.
Lucas Jackson: I dont have very much chest hair...im going to have a talk with my folks
Dr. Norris Camacho: Play Arnold's wife in a 90s action movie
Lucas Jackson: and then Arnold has a baby in Junior!
Thacktor: THE BRIDGE IS OUT
Dr. Norris Camacho: Oh shit
Lucas Jackson: THE WAY IS SHUT
Thacktor: Wait, was Junior after True Lies?
Dr. Norris Camacho: both were 1994...
nine months apart, maybe?
Thacktor: OH NOES
Lucas Jackson: I think we have stumbled upon something we shouldnt have
We know too much....
Thacktor: WE WEREN'T MEANT TO KNOW
Dr. Norris Camacho: Oh shit guys there are a bunch of dudes in suits coming towards my desk -----
Thacktor: ABORT ABORT