BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
This day has been coming for as long as we've known him. The scrawny scout team QB who got busted for fighting and showing fake IDs the summer after his first year at A&M.
"Who the hell is this guy?" said some people (because no one outside of Aggie message boards knew who he was). Then the increasingly brilliant plays on the football field. Momentum picked up, and the refrain of "he's only nineteen!" reverberated across the airwaves to the backdrop of his trademark circus-master dancing on the football fields of the Southeast. He turned 20 just before he won the Heisman.
And then the off-season. May all the deities curse that off-season. The beach pics, the casinos, the clubs, and even the GOLFING were all done underage and suffered that stigma even if his parents were there (especially for the GOLFING). By August he had been built into almost a folk figure of hot-headed arrogance, and it was "he's 20, he should know better."
The season unfolded, as seasons will, not as we had all hoped. Most of all for him. The flashes of brilliance were there but so were the struggles of carrying a team on one's back. His numbers were just as good, but the Heisman repeat chance is all but gone.
But you know what? I don't think he gives a damn about all that. Because tomorrow's his birthday.
Happy 21st, Johnny.
THE 12/6 BUNCH
JUDD APATOW, cutting-edge filmmaker
STEVEN WRIGHT, inadvertent comedian
JANINE TURNER, TV football mom with long hair
CRAIG NEWMARK, craigslist Craig
and new member
JOHNNY MANZIEL, Heisman winner
Inside a scenic mountain lodge in the wilds of Colorado meet the December 6 Pentavarate, a group dedicated to raising awareness for people with birthdays on December 6. JUDD APATOW is the chairman.
APATOW [bangs gavel]: Welcome. Thank you all for coming. I guess you know why we're all here, so--
WRIGHT [slowly]: So you can make a movie...about us getting into a crazy situation...and doing drugs?
[room bursts into laughter, except for WRIGHT, who looks around nervously...laughter dies down]
MANZIEL: Oh wait...you weren't kidding, were you bro?
WRIGHT: Of course I was.
APATOW: Hard to tell, sometimes Steve. Anyway, as celebrity birthdays go, ours kinda sucks. No offense to anyone here. But I thought it would be good to bring in a big name to raise our recognition. Now I'd like to brainstorm for any other ideas. Anyone?
NEWMARK: I could put a listing on my website!
MANZIEL: Man, no one takes those seriously. The other day one of my friends sent me this one that someone had made that said they were selling videos of that one chick with short hair from the old TV show Northern Exposure, and--
TURNER [nervously fidgeting]: Haha, yes, he's right about no one taking something like that seriously.
WRIGHT: How about, like, one of those 1950s Cold War instructional videos. Only it's about birthdays. We could....
[All have ceased paying attention. Recognition has dawned in MANZIEL's eyes despite TURNER's attempts to remain inconspicuous. NEWMARK, crestfallen, is furiously typing a fake listing for the car from Pineapple Express on his laptop, and APATOW is setting up his camera.]
Perfect, he thinks. I've just captured the premise of Superbad 2: Superbadder.
[JAMES FRANCO arrives at the door.]
MANZIEL: Sorry, everybody, I've got to go. It's my birthday.
CAST: BIRTHDAY EDITION
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Driver. Bodyguard. Treasurer. Capturer of moments on Vine and Instagram. Without the UN the world would be a little bit less secure for Johnny. Somebody's got to handle this PR.
The whole crew gathers at the Manziel Ponderosa for afternoon fajitas and birthday cake. Pops is manning the barbecue pit wearing an apron that says "GRILL GOD." He good-naturedly chucks the ball around with the guys. He tells Bertolet to go deep. "Deeper, keep going!" Bertolet runs right into the pool.
So they're not together anymore (or are they?) She's not going to miss this excursion. "Your turn to buy me a drink, Johnny. Er, I mean--for the first time, one of us can buy the other a drink. That's it."
I guess it doesn't matter if we're friends now since neither of us will win the Heisman. It's just that if I had his speed I'd be chasing down that Auburn guy from my holder position instead of being all hurt against Mizzou. And guess what. I COULD HAVE WOKEN HIM UP at Manning Camp.
Sources tell me that Johnny Manziel is out carousing about town with eleven rap stars and a cadre of Argentinian ladies of the night, exchanging autographs for heroin and smuggled semiautomatic weapons while hurling obscenities at law-abiding senior citizens. I have this typed up in Notes on my phone and will Tweet soon to prove it.
Serious NFL Aficionado
Shameful. This kind of reckless behavior would never stand in The League. He's going to have to curtail his rambunctious nature and show some maturity if he wants to maintain the level of Honor required by The Shield.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Johnny ain't in the NFL just yet. Look for any and all pictures of Mr. Football to be tweeted and analyzed ad infinitum as people continue to desperately find signs of impropriety. The media sharks may have moved on during Manziel's slight decline this season, but nothing brings out the Rovells of the world like absinthe shooters off the backs of three naked Ukrainian models as they run giggling down Bourbon Street. Johnny is most accurate when outside protection with a moving target.
LAW & ORDER: MEDIA VICTIMS UNIT
What do you call a million lawyers at the bottom of the sea? The beginning of The Great Internet Lawyer Purge Of 2013. For every tweeted pic you can expect 10 replies explaining how tort law states that you can't be convicted if you're in international waters, brah. And that Morphine Colada that he sipped on before the stroke of midnight? Doesn't matter, his uncle was present and double jeopardy says you can't be charged if you commit a crime twice. QED, bitches.
What better way to celebrate your birthday than by flipping double birds to the town you love oh so much and opting to obtain your concussions at the professional level? We are now in the dead zone between regular and bowl season, so prepare for Johnny to drop the NFL bomb at any point. I have been instructed at this point to be more sunny… so… at least Johnny's eventual successor is clear.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
CELEBRATE, YE LORD
S AND LADIES
Alabama QB A.J. McCarron's birthday is actually September 13th, but apparently he had some other pressing engagement going on the next day. After the pressures of a hectic football schedule, he is finally getting the birthday party he always wanted this weekend. Lord McCarron is excited about Medieval Times and even Saban doesn't have the heart to tell him that the whole thing is scripted. Everyone knows the Green Knight gets eliminated before you can even get a second refill on your Pepsi. Johnny and Katherine's RSVPs must have gotten lost in the mail, bro.
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
His name? Number Two.
Take a chance on mistaken identity this Friday night. I can say with 95% certainty that the real #2 won't be on Northgate for his birthday, opting for something more like this, but co-eds will be out looking for him. Remember when I thought this guy was Johnny on Halloween? Get out your #2 jersey (we've confirmed that is what he wears to the bars) and call ahead for bottle service at the Foundation Room. You might just get lucky without having to do anyone's homework for them.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Manziel heads north to Dallas for a nice, quiet dinner with friends and family at Bob's. Then he heads to a private party where cell phones are banned to have a few drinks with friends. He uses Uber, gets a safe ride home and dreams of destroying our opponent in the bowl game.
Johnny meets up with Gronk in Miami and live tweets the evening.
I submitted a picture of Johnny to the local news station for the morning show birthday segment. No lie. #JFFBirthday
Uncle Nate tells everyone he's got the next round. Hands the bartender Johnny's credit card. #JFFBirthday
"They got him. OH NO THEY DIDN'T!" -Verne Lundquist as cops try to give Johnny an MIP. #JFFBirthday
Johnny decides to play quarters, but has to end after two because he's up by 40 points. #JFFBirthday
Clarence McKinney puts a damper on the #JFFBirthday party when he decrees that the running backs can only have six drinks between them.
There is no truth to reports that Johnny Manziel will turn 21 in the winter of 2013. None.