In the closing weeks of Texas A&M's decidedly up-and-down 2013 season, one question has loomed above all others: will Kevin Sumlin remain as head coach? With rumors of Texans and Trojans poking around the Bright Complex, Aggie fears were laid to rest with the recent announcement of a six year extension this past week. The Good Bull Hunting back office has been hard at work this fall, including putting together a partnership with Ken Burns, displaying our immense knowledge of couture, and developing proprietary brainwave technology.
However, those advancements pale in comparison to our newest achievement: a Magic 8 Ball plugged into an Etch a Sketch powered by the environmental byprodcuts found in Rick Perry's hair. This technological leap allows us to see what will happen over the next six years of Coach Sumlin's extension, while throwing in a few other tidbits for good measure.
Spoiler alert: the Magic 8 Ball is frighteningly accurate.
2014: The Kenny Hill era gets off to a promising start as the Ags finish 9-3, upsetting LSU in front of 109,000 strong at a raucous Kyle Field on Thanksgiving night; the game ends up nabbing a 7.8 television share nationally. Defensive Coordinator Mark Snyder agrees in retrospect that letting Myles Garrett play a few more snaps "probably would have been a good idea" as the true freshman records 6.5 sacks on the 7 plays he participates in.
Elsewhere in College Football: New Texas Athletic Director Steve Patterson attempts to keep a brave face after the Longhorns-TCU Thanksgiving battle draws a .2 rating. "Honestly, coming from the Pac-12, I had no idea TCU was even in this stupid conference. We're already in talks with bringing the Baltimore Ravens to Austin next year though."
2015: After a last-second win to open the season against Arizona State in Reliant Stadium, television microphones catch Todd Graham congratulating Kevin Sumlin, as well as asking if he has any room on staff, claiming "I feel like I've been in Tempe for decades." The New Kyle Field opens to incredible reviews, with Nick Saban noting postgame, "the students really seem to stay in their seats at this place."
The Aggies ride 2nd year starter Kenny Hill and a revamped defense to an SEC West title, where they lose on a miraculous last-second field goal to Florida, led by first-year head man Tim Tebow.
Elsewhere: Urban Meyer gives what can only be described as an emotionally raw interview to Tom Rinaldi where he tearfully focuses on his team's character, integrity, and sportsmanship, all while holding up a bank teller at gunpoint.
2016: A&M has to scramble to fill its schedule when, at the last minute, Louisiana Tech decides to drop football. In a statement from their Athletic Department, "A century of football tradition could not come close to preparing us for the last 3 years of Skip Holtz. Our souls are so very destroyed that we have chosen to quit. Sorry."
When senior quarterback Kenny Hill is injured in week 2, Redshirt Freshman Kyler Murray gets the surprising nod over Kyle Allen, leading to a week of furious discussion on Aggie message boards. All is forgiven when Murray leads the Aggies to a 9 win season, narrowly missing out on an SEC Championship game appearance.
Elsewhere: Dana Holgerson is fired as head coach of West Virginia after finishing the season 1-11, despite averaging over 43 points a game. Mysteriously, a riverboat casino burns down the next night under 'suspicious circumstances' but the two events are never publicly linked.
2017: The internet explodes as, after a 3 year NFL career where he wins 2 Super Bowls with the Jaguars, Johnny Manziel retires to become quarterbacks coach at A&M and "work on my golf game a little bit." The offense, under Manziel's guidance, averages over 16 yards per attempt and only rushes the ball three times a game, yet still somehow works.
The real story in College Station is the defense, where Mark Snyder parlays a front four of Myles Garrett, Justin Manning, Daylon Mack, and Qualen Cunningham into a ferocious top-10 unit, with ballhawking senior cornerback Nick Harvey winning the Thorpe award. A&M advances to the College Football Playoffs as a #2 seed, but is upset by a feisty Wake Forest team led by a shirtless, and very intense, Ed Orgeron.
Elsewhere: Mack Brown, staggering through another 6-6 year, finally breaks Darrell Royal's all-time win record in front of approximately 47,000 fans on a rainy November night in Austin. He slowly jogs to the locker room, a smile on his face, middle fingers extended to the empty bleachers.
2018: With rumors of Sumlin to the NFL swirling, the team struggles to maintain focus, slipping to a 7-5 regular season record. Kyler Murray's 34.6 yards-per-attempt lead the nation by almost a 4 to 1 margin, but a frustrated Jay Bradford quits the team halfway through the year after averaging one touch every two games. The defense struggles to deal with the loss of Mark Snyder, as he is re-hired by Marshall in the offseason, and promptly never heard from again.
Elsewhere: After a 6th consecutive 7-5 season, Hugh Freeze is finally let go by Ole Miss. In an interview after the Egg Bowl, he incoherently mumbles 'dagnabbit' for 45 straight minutes.
2019: After the mess of the 2018 campaign, Sumlin reshuffles his coaching staff for what he announces will be his final season in College Station. His offensive coordinator is a newly-clean Dana Holgerson, while the defense is led by Bo and Carl Pelini, who are not allowed to leave the press box except for away games. (Food is shoved under the door three times daily and they are wheeled, Hannibal Lecter-style, to the plane for road trips. The defense finishes 3rd in adjusted F/+ ratings, causing Bill Connelly to write 17 separate blog posts during the course of the fall.)
Starting slow, the team squeaks out a non-conference win over a suddenly moribund Oregon program before gelling at the beginning of conference play. Senior quarterback Kyler Murray mounts an impressive Heisman campaign and Malik Jefferson is whispered about as the best NFL linebacking prospect since Von Miller. The Aggies march through their SEC schedule undefeated and finally make it to the Championship, where they defeat the Chad Morris-led Oklahoma Sooners, 31-27.
Less than 36 hours later, with the national championship trophy on display, a choked up Sumlin announces he is headed to coach the Los Angeles Raiders, "in spite of LA being basically a giant shithole filled with tar pits."
Elsewhere: The Big 12, replaced as an automatic qualifying conference by the MAC in 2016, finally folds, as Kansas decides to focus on basketball, and Iowa St. drops football to concentrate on their highest revenue sport, wrestling. Dan Beebe is brought back for a farewell celebration, where he is promptly overserved and attempts to eat the microphone.