UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR
Has your team consistently dropped games against feline-themed opponents? Ailurophobia can be revealed in many ways. Sometimes, the mere mention of a cat-like animal is enough to drive a latent case of ailurophobia to the surface. Triggers of ailurophobia may include:
War Damn Eagle
These triggers will bring to light symptoms including:
Avoidance of the Running Game
Lacking in Time of Possession
Porous Run Defense
If your football team is suffering from any of these symptoms, the good news is there's hope. Any and all manifestations of Ailurophobia can be cured by repeat exposure to these triggers and beating them like they owe you money.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
"Tigers again," says Kevin Sumlin through an exasperated sigh. He crumples the Ailuraphobia pamphlet he had just finished into a tight ball and chucks it through his office wall, injuring several unfortunate graduate assistants.
Sumlin gets up, proceeds to the locker room where Siegfried and Roy are waiting. The team has no idea what to think as they watch what unfolds before them.
"Zey paid us a lot of ze monies to be here with ze tiger! Are you wanting to see ze magic today for ze pregame speech?" ask Siegfried and Roy in unison.
Sumlin walks right through the duo and into the tiger cage. The tiger, unaware of who he's messing with, lunges at Coach Damn for infringing on his territory. Coach catches the tiger by the head and delivers a knockout blow with his tiger-fighting visor.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do to 'em, Ags.
Ags 56 Tigers 35
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
K: Josh hasn't made the Cast this year, but his emergence has been one of our more stabilizing factors after the up-and-down kicking game lately. Since nailing the game-winner in Oxford, he has not missed a field goal since (much less an extra point). He doesn't attempt many field goals, but still: we're optimists here. Sometimes.
QB: Possible "lasts": SEC game, road game, ESPN prime time game, regular season game, crazy alternate uniform game, et. al. Possible outcomes: literally anything. He's the ultimate wildcard playing with quite a bit on the line despite the team's standing, so anything is fathomable.
LB: The only guy on the front seven who has started against Missouri in two different conferences, we'll need Jenkins to be on point with Franklin back at QB. Eat your Wheaties and listen to some good Holiday jams or whatever it is you need to do, Steven.
QB: The senior leader at QB has been dinged up for a few weeks, but came back to engineer an impressive two-TD road win in Oxford. It's his last home game, so yeah…he's probably pumped up for being just a regular student.
RB: Another guy who seems like he's been there forev---WAIT HE'S JUST A JUNIOR?! After redshirting in 2012 with a knee injury, the 2011 Doak Walker Semifinalist has rebounded nicely and is pushing for another thousand-yard season. GULP.
DL: What. A. Year. At double digits on the year in both TFLs and sacks, this gentleman could be one of the biggest individual tests our offensive line has come up against all year. Also his last home game at Mizzou. Wonderful.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
After playing their last home game against A&M at Kyle Field, Missouri has for some reason elected to play this year’s matchup on a neutral site in a little known place called Columbia. A hasty search indicates that although it was once known for being the center of cocaine trafficking in the world, Columbia is in the midst of an economic and cultural renaissance, with booming oil and tourism industries. It is still a pretty dangerous place for Google employees, though.
Pronounce it whichever way you like. After calling a disastrous outing against LSU in Baton Rouge in which the Aggies used their running backs for just 6 carries, OC Clarence McKinney is feeling the heat and muddling his way through the tough questions. He now has one last opportunity to establish a rhythm in our offense that has been missing for several weeks now. Will Muschamp has some suggestions on blocking schemes if you’re interested, Coach.
The Decision: 2013
There seems to be some confusion on the timing, but it is clear that Manziel’s decision on whether or not to declare for the NFL draft will be subject to the same scrutiny as his fake tattoos, parking tickets, and Twitter account. If Johnny wants to reach the pinnacle of media over-exposure and take on the King for his crown of asshattery, he’ll need to outdo him. Look for Mr. Football to finish the Mizzou game, don a GoPro camera, and ride a bound, gagged, and confused Mark Emmert all the way to New York. Once there he will patiently await the NFL draft, which will start just 48 hours later because Johnny Football.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BEST. WEEK. EVER.
Prepare yourself for a wild ride as both divisions of the SEC get decided in the final week. For the first time in its storied history, the Iron Bowl will be a top 10 matchup, with #1 Alabama heading to Auburn to take on the #4 Tigers. Nick Saban spent last week testing the sharpness of the blades in his football reaper by dispassionately eviscerating Chattanooga. Meanwhile Auburn is riding the momentum of a season that has surpassed all expectations and in no way has involved luck and shenanigans.
On the other side of the league, Columbia will be under a microscope as Mizzou controls its own destiny heading into their meeting with the Ags. Cock fans will be pulling hard for the Aggies, as a loss for the Tigers will have them all tied up with South Carolina and Spurrier’s boys have the head to head victory. While there is technically nothing wrong with that sentence, it’s still not something I would feel comfortable repeating in front of my grandma.
Come on Ags, let’s continue the tradition of ruining things for Missouri.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
Turkey stats provided by LiveScience.
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
Touch of Grey
More than seventy percent of you loved the Aggies’ grey (preferred UK spelling) uniforms before last weekend’s loss to LSU. You may think you don’t love the color grey anymore, but that’s silly superstition. Here is a list of other grey things you love to get you back on board with this grey holiday: clouds, wolves, owls, rocks, dolphins, seals, concrete.
Admit it, grey uniforms are the coolest thing we’ve worn this season. We still have the Mizzou game, but yeahhhh… about that. We’re going to wear grey again and we’re going to maybe win wearing it, so get in on the ground floor. You can order a grey jersey in men’s or women’s from Aggieland Outfitters. Now enjoy this clip of Jennifer Grey.
Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 11/27 for a chance to win a Grey Aftershock Replica Jersey from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The team, coaching staff, student body and Association of Former Students is collectively pissed off enough to score an ass-kilogram (that's metric for "shit-ton") of points against Mizzou. Our defense keeps the ball in Johnny's hands for the bulk of the evening. I am still eating leftovers.
8-4. No defense. No leftovers. I'm forced to attend Black Friday and witness shoppers with better tackling form than the Aggies.
No need to travel to the game for me. I was in a state of misery by about the third quarter against LSU. #GBHTailgate
Next week on "Eye of the Tiger: A&M Edition" the boys play a round of flag football with Tony, Shere Kahn, Raja, Tigger & Hobbes. #GBHTailgate
The day we have a Texas A&M vs. Mizzou conference championship game in Atlanta is the day we kick them both out. #getoffmylawn
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.