THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at LSU

In the maroon corner weighing 225 pounds, with an amateur record of 57 REC, 27 by way of KO and 12 TDs. The current Heavyweight Champion of the NCAA, from Galveston, Texas, please welcome MIIIIIIIIIIIIKE EVAAAAAAAAANS

His opponent in the purple corner weighing 500 pounds, and is a tiger, please welcome MIIIIIIIIIKE SIX.

Let round 1 begin!

DING*

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Eaux, the Places You'll Geaux

UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR

You may have noticed some changes to The Tailgate the last few weeks as Dr. Camacho and Hypno-Toad have stepped in mightily for the over-worked JP03. I miss his energy and humor around here and I hope he's willing to come back in the future. This is not to degrade the work of my hilarious comrades, it's just a different feel. And things change. Boy do things change.

When Stewade recruited JP03 and I, The Tailgate was to be its own site. A blog that we three could keep up by posting ONE infographic per week to entertain the football-humor thirsty Aggie fanbase. The only reason I'm on GBH is Stewade and I owe him a lot for that. I think I speak for everyone here at GBH when I say, "Thank you." We will miss you very much and you'll always have friends on this side of the internet. We're all looking forward to seeing your new work. If that introduction you put out yesterday is any indicator, hoooooooooooly shit we're in for some cool stuff. Go get 'em, Wade.

This week, I'm going to play a game with y'all. You may remember it from orientation, Fish Camp or that one uncomfortable family reunion where your aunt caught a case of the cosmopolitans and proceeded to over-share with Grandma. It's called "Two Truths and a Lie." This is not a clever name meant to trick you, I will give you two true statements and one false one. You guess which is the lie. Ready? OK!

Set 1:

  • LSU has 300 student organizations on campus.

  • Like the United States, LSU's student government is divided into three branches: Executive, Legislative and Judicial.

  • Les Miles does what he calls a "Sun Salutation" every morning. Nude, he attempts to urinate on the sun from his front yard by doing a full back-bend. He came close once.

LIE: LSU has over 350 student organizations on campus.

Set 2:

  • The LSU student newspaper is named "The Daily Reveille" and has been in circulation since 1888.

  • Tiger TV broadcasts on campus channel 75.

  • Les Miles has a genetic lab in his attic where he is attempting to engineer a cross between Mike the Tiger and several 5 star recruits. Some say cries of "Kill...me..." can be heard on quiet autumn nights.

LIE: The Daily Reveille has been in circulation since 1887. Duh.

Final Set - ABSURD GAME PREDICTION:

  • Manziel and the Aggies are looking forward to a trip to Baton Rouge to get one back from last season.

  • Les Miles recognized the evolution of Johnny from last year to this and respects the QB's passing game.

  • Zach Mettenberger was kicked off of the UGA football team for reasons broadcasters tend to casually gloss over.

LIE: Nobody looks forward to a trip to Baton Rouge.

Ags 42 Kittens 35

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Cast_ags_clear

Cam Clear

Secret Weapon: Cool. Collected. Biding his time. He had the opening TD against Alabama, but that was just an appetizer. Spavital and McKinney unleash hell on the Tigers and let the big man run and receive rampant.

Cast_ags_jacobs

Otis Jacobs

DB: The Covington, LA native gets one more game in his home state. Let's see if the coolest Aggie can have another key performance against a big opponent.

Cast_ags_stansbury

Gavin Stansbury

DL: The big man will be vital against a bruising Tiger offensive line. He's come on strong this year, and here's another Louisiana boy who can turn some heads back home. Do you think there are Swaggercopters flying out of Baton Rouge? #NOSIR.

Cast_lsu_jc

JC Copeland

Man: I'm sure everyone saw this a couple of weeks ago, but beyond that, here is how you fullback: 1) be a former defensive lineman, 2) grow a full beard, 3) wear #44, and 4) have initials as a name. This is a damn football player, folks.

Cast_lsu_mett

Zach Mettenberger

QB: Oh great. Another starting QB who used to be at Georgia but transferred to a different SEC school. Let's just hope he didn't get any fancy ideas from Nick Marshall after last weekend.

Cast_lsu_loston

Craig Loston

S: The senior standout has had something of a normal season, albeit one nagged by injuries. Having almost signed with the Aggies, one wonders if Craig just got Loston his way to College Station? Yeah? Anyone?

[/ducks flying rotten produce]

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY HYPNO-TOAD

Evans_wtwf

ALL OF THE RECORDS

Mike Evans has already delivered the greatest performance of any receiver to wear an A&M jersey, with his night against MSU securing the most receiving yards in a season. He still has 2 games and a bowl left to play. Even though it is difficult to properly track a thrown object through a haze of ethanol vapor, look for Evans to take another step towards his season goal of owning every record in the A&M books and as many in the SEC as he can get. I predict that by the end of the night in Red Stick, Mike will have the record for most receiving TDs in a season, most YPC in a season, most corn dogs eaten in two minutes, and tallest structure between New Orleans and Houston.

Swiss_wtwf

SWISS TIMING

Against MSU the Ags took the high road and chose to kneel out their last possession rather than continue the aerial assault. This was admirable, except for the part where MSU still had enough timeouts to leave time on the clock. Les Miles has a history of strategic clock management and well planned and executed game endings. Look for the Ags to kneel the ball in order to start the 73 second play clock, at which point Miles will call his fifth timeout in order to require that Manziel spend two minutes in the penalty box for missing the fourth wicket. BLERN!

Dinosaur_wtwf

DINOSAURS

God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man, man destroys God, man creates LSU fans. LSU fans eat grass, Aggies inherit the earth. Just remember that LSU fans are pack hunters. You hold still, hoping that their vision is based on movement like Baylor fans. But you stare at them and they stare right back at you. And that’s when the swearing about your mother’s fidelity comes – not from the front – but from the sides, by the other drunk Cajuns you never knew were there.

Thread_wtwf

NEW THREADS?

For whatever reason, LSU loves to wear their white uniforms at home. That leaves A&M open for one last shot at busting out the latest recruit-grabbing new unis. It begs the question: was this blurry image of a grey Aggie getup just the sasquatch of uniform news, or will we finally see this crypto-haberdasheral marvel? Maybe we’ll see the stealthy all blacks? Or perhaps we might see something else entirely…

Attrition_wtwf

ATTRITION

We are in the home stretch of the season, and rosters everywhere are feeling the impact of injuries, wear, and tear. We here at Good Bull Hunting know how it feels to lose a star player late in the season. You hope that the rest of the team can step up to fill the void left behind, but deep in your heart you know that some shoes may never be filled. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

#XOXOXOStewade4Ever

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY HYPNO-TOAD

Cupcake_wtwf

STRENGTH OF SCHEDULE

It’s the second to last game of the season for most of the SEC, and you know what that means: delicious late-season cupcakes. After last weekend’s Week To Remember, Bama, USC, and Georgia will be playing teams called the ‘Mocs’, ‘Chanticleers’, and ‘Kentucky Wildcats’, respectively. For interesting – if not relevant – football, the MSU @ Arkansas matchup should prove to be quite entertaining. Both programs gave the Aggies fits, and Arkansas has the opportunity to play spoiler for the Bulldogs’ bowl hopes. Alternatively you can switch over to watch the Vols struggle mightily against Vanderbilt, a sentence which makes Phil Fulmer roll over in his gravy boat.

Lane Kiffin & Derek Dooley : Tennessee :: Dennis Franchione & Mike Sherman : Texas A&M.

Expect to see a lot of hangman.

LET'S HAVE A STATGASM

BY FLETCHER MASSIE

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Wtw

ONE MORE YEAR

BY CUPPYCUP

One. More. Year. Shuffle a deck of cards right now. We'll listen to Phil Collins while we wait. Now spread the cards out across the table. There was a 1 in 8.07 × 1067 probability that you would get this exact card sequence, BUT YOU DID IT. First, congratulations on defying the odds. This is coincidentally the same probability that both Johnny and Mike will return for another year in Aggieland. Improbable things happen all the time. I mean, Baylor is undefeated. So pick up a One More Year t-shirt from AO.

Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 11/20 for a chance to win a One More Year t-shirt from Aggieland Outfitters.


BEST CASE / WORST CASE

BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE

The Aggies used the bye week to put a defense together, go into Red Stick and make like Siegfried and Roy. The bayou kittens have no answer for the Manziel led Aggie-Voltron and the good guys get out of the swamp with a hard-earned victory.

WORST CASE

You wake up a Longhorn fan tomorrow morning, and you can remember being an Aggie. This is torture for you because you can't change your loyalty and you're trapped in this burnt orange prison. Also, your brother-in-law is an Aggie and lets you hear about the SEC all day. Holy shit, I think I just empathized with sip fans.

Erick_martin_twitter

@erickmartin

I'm really happy for @Stewade with the TexAgs gig, but the #GBHTailgate just won't be the same without him.

Doug_chip_twitter Rcb_twitter

@rcb05

Some say drunk LSU fans are obnoxious. I say drunk LSU fans is redundant. #GBHTailgate

Clint_grahn_twitter

@clintgrahn

LSU: it's like Tech but with better food. #GBHTailgate

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@AintNoOtherAnn

All I want for my birthday is to make it on the #GBHTailgate!

Twiteer_jarnold

@JArnoldTAMU85

"The French are only good at two things, surrenderin', and kissin'" #TakeBR #BTHOlsu

Twitter_string_says

@stringsays

I hope the team is staying in baton rouge and not new orleans for the game...that way we have to travel les miles to get there. #GBHTailgate

Streaker_twitter

@TAMUstreaker

If I make it in the #GBHTailgate I will streak across campus today.

@ChipBrownOB

There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.

Graphics: fletcher.massie
Editorial Director: thacktor
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