BYE WEEK U
UNINFORMED SMACK / BY CRAWESOME
Before we begin ripping this week's opponent, The University of Bye Week, which is unequivocally my LEAST favorite opponent, let's address the elephant in the room (see what I did there?). As the chants of "one more year" rained down onto Johnny Manziel during his swan song of a performance at Kyle Field, it got me to thinking; am I mad at Snyder's defense letting CLANGA's QB look like Cam Newton + T-1000? No. Am I mad at the CBS crew for displaying their homerism as if they were Mark McGwire in his juicing hay day? Not one bit. What I am mad about is that after all these years that Manziel has been playing for A&M (#sarcasm), I never once got to see him play in what is arguably his best position on the field.
Could you imagine Floyd "the sophomore" Raven Sr. laying the wood on cross routing receivers, Everett making interceptions using only his facemask, and Manziel patrolling the secondary just waiting for his chance to decapitate some schmuck? I never got to see Manziel play what he was recruited for most…. Safety.
Well have no fear people. We technically have one more game left at Kyle. Ladies, gentlemen, and that one OU cheerleader, the week is now upon us.
THE University of Bye Week has made its way to College Station and let's just say we Fanposters are super excited. Witness the only college football game in history where the stadium is being torn down mid-game.
The sweet smell of red-dye diesel, the crashing sounds of the Wrecking Ball (trademark pending), and the overbearing stench of petrified guano being exposed from years past will make Kyle Field 1.0 the most intimidating and disgusting atmosphere Bye Week has ever seen. I did my math, which admittedly is only at about a 3rd grader's level, but The University of Bye Week has played 9 million games since their first game in 18scherbaburgadsh. What's most incredible about that, other than the sheer number and how they have had zero injuries, is the fact that they have tied Every. Single. Game. Little do they know that we have Johnny Flapjacks Football and he does not accept ties. That's right people. For the first time in the history of football, Bye Week U is going to lose a game.
So I know exactly what's going through your minds; will our defense be able to stop BWU's running game? Maybe not. Was that Manziel's last game at home? Nope. I have it on good authority that Manziel is staying for 2014, 2015, a medical redshirt for turf toe in 2016, and a hand written note from the NCAA stating "We give our son Manziel one more year to play because he's so cool!"
The Absurd Game Prediction:
This one is easy and not at all far-fetched. Manziel walks out to midfield by himself, flips a $100 bill and calls the infamous headtails. He defers, kicks the ball off to himself and then catches and returns it for a touchdown evading all college football logic.
The refs go ahead and give him 15 points for being so brazen.
Sumlin swings into the game on the wrecking ball that is in the process of taking out the front of The Zone making Miley Cyrus quit "singing" forever because let's face it; Sumlin just makes it look better. On the following offensive drive, Manziel replaces the football with his Heisman trophy; not just to look cool, but increase his endurance and bicep size as well.
After a 67 yard field goal by Bertolet the game just sort of ends because no one saw that coming.
After 42 consecutive kneel downs, Manziel is swooped up by the flying dog dragon from never-ending story and flies into the sunset (Northgate).
CAST: RING DUNK EDITION
BY BRANDON WAINERDI
If you ask certain people, they'll tell you that there is nothing to do in College Station this Bye Weekend except get parking tickets, binge-watch "One Tree Hill" on Netflix, and play mud football in the ruins of Kyle Field 1.0. Lucky for you, those people are wrong.
There are exactly two things you can, and probably will, do in College Station this week: going to Ring Day and crying.
Ring Day is this Friday, which means the day has finally come for the members of the senior class to put on maroon business casual, fake cry at the Alumni Center in front of friends and family, and get 100 or so likes on Facebook.
I overheard a girl once say that "Ring Day is more important than your wedding" but that girl was obviously single and lonely (Call me). There is nothing more important to an Aggie than his Aggie Ring and what better way to commemorate this honor than with a Ben Knox print of Ringy, the official mascot of my soul, and what amounts to a glorified hot dog on a stick.
Every year, hundreds of delicious Slovacek sausages on a stick are given out for free, which is the basis for my favorite Ring Day tradition: run around the Alumni Center and pretend you're Wolverine. In my time as a student at A&M, Ring Dunks are the only tradition that my parents think I'm making up because I just want to drink a lot of beer. Starting around 8 o'clock on Friday and all through the weekend, stop by any local pavilion to witness first-hand a bunch of sorority girls throwing up Michelob Ultra after 15 minutes of slowly pouring half their pitcher down their shirt.
Some will argue that the most important aspect of a ring dunk is the name. This year has seen enough Dunk Dynasty, She Got A Dunk, and Don't Drop That Du Du Dunk to last a lifetime. However, as terrible as those may seem, my roommates managed to come up with some sub-par alternatives while planning our dunk (name pending). These aren't the best Ring Dunk ideas we have but they're definitely the worst.
R. Bowen Dunkin'
Send the good ol' Pres out in style with free bowties for everyone, S-E-C chants, and white person dance moves.
Started From The Bottom Now We're Drunk
Guys, Drake is definitely coming to our Ring Dunk.
All dunkers wear flannel/v-necks and chacos, dancing the night away to an only Kelly Clarkson playlist and an O'Doul's keg. Don't worry, the people who would get offended by a Breakaway-themed Ring Dunk wouldn't be caught dead going to a Ring Dunk anyway.
Dunkin' Dining Hall
March of Honor into the Pavilion with a snare drum out front, Power blasting. Camo, bad food, and mandatory white wall hair-cuts.
Good Bull Dunking
Now I'm just pandering. No one would actually attend this in person but would just watch the re-cap GIFs later in the night while they're at a cooler party.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
NON SEC EDITION
Bye weeks are just the worst, especially when the most intriguing games involve a 40 something year old Mike Gundy, YAWYAWYAWFootball Ed Orgeron, and meathead Bo Pelini. If you're a college football fan however, any weekend of football is just aces. If you're a Wake Forest, Kansas, or Florida fan, I hear IKEA has some hot deals on curtains this weekend.
Okie State vs Texas
Mack and Case have derped their way to six straight wins, the most recent being in Morgantown where they saved the lives of multiple couches. Like it or not, Texas is playing pretty decent football. McCoy still hovers somewhere between mediocre and lol, but the supporting cast makes just enough plays. That being said, Oklahoma State will be the best team they've played on this winning streak. Watch out for Poke QB Clint Chelf who's been on fire as of late.
USC vs Stanford
I love Ed Orgeron. He's like part caveman, foreigner, power lifter, and competitive eater all in one. Truth be told, the job he's done cleaning up Kiffin's mess has been more than commendable. They could have scored 100 on Cal. However, Stanford ain't Cal. Cardinal guard David Yankey is an absolute mauler, and his buddies on the OL destroy opposing fronts. Stanford is the Bama of the West. Defensively, their front 7 is one of the best in college football. LB Shane Skov gives Brian Bosworth nightmares. Be sure to turn your subtitles on postgame when Orgeron comes to the podium.
Nebraska vs Michigan St
You'll probably find a regional game more attractive, and this one could very well end in a blowout by Sparty. However, there are national title implications here (if you believe in such things as B1G schools playing in those things). Ohio State desperately needs to play and beat a one-loss Michigan State team in the conference championship game for strength of schedule purposes. Sparty's defense has been dominant, and everything points to Nebraska not giving much push back in this game. Offensively, they're the typical, nothing special B1G team. The Huskers can be scrappy though, and if they can stick around into the fourth, they could cornhole Ohio State's national title shot even further...it ain't gonna happen, so just watch because you enjoy seeing Pelini's head nearly explode.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY JT BAILEY
#1 Alabama at Mississippi State
The #1 team in the country heads to Stark Vegas to take on STAHTE (spoken in the Jorts voice). Bama, unsurprisingly, has the #1 scoring defense in the country, allowing only 10.6 points per game (take out A&M's 42 points scored on 9/14 and that drops to a ridiculous 6.6 points per game). Miss State is barely in the top half of the country in points scored per game (29.8). Realistically, the only thing that Miss State can beat the Tide at is calling timeouts (Mullen set an SEC record in the second half of last week's game). Expect the Tide to roll.
#25 Georgia at #7 Auburn
At the beginning of the season, who saw this game and thought that Auburn would be the one in play for a trip to Atlanta while Georgia was barely holding on to a national ranking? If your hand is up, you are a liar. Auburn's rushing attack is one of the best in the nation, carrying them to a 9-1 record and allowing them to control their own destiny in the SEC West. Georgia, though, has put together a pretty solid rush defense so far this season, holding teams to an average of 126 yards per game. If Georgia can stifle the Tiger's ground attack, look for this to be a pretty close game.
Florida at #10 South Carolina
Will Muschamp and the struggling Gators head up to South Carolina to visit the Ol Ball Coach's New Swamp. The Cocks, led by definitive Heisman frontrunner Jadeveon Clowney, are in the middle of another potential 10 win/top 15 season that has become the norm over the past few years in Columbia. South Carolina doesn't do anything spectacularly well; instead they go out and consistently put up about 30 a game, give up about 20, and just play solid football. Florida has a great defense (#2 in the SEC) but fields an offense that would have trouble scoring double digits against the GBH writing staff in pads. This will be a fun game to watch if you like defense, but Florida likely won't be able to keep up on the offensive side, letting South Carolina get to 8 wins.
Darren Rovell as Caesar Flickerman
Welcome to the 75th Hunger Games, where Caesar reports exactly what he feels without any facts. Caesar enjoys asking the right questions the wrong way and often struggles with impulse tweeting. Although the viewers are usually entertained by Caesar’s commentary, the members of District 12th Man detest his encounters with their very own Katniss Everdeen. Sources say that Caesar’s talk show is pre-recorded so that he can go back and delete what he needs to, but little is known about the inner-workings of the Capitol*. * Sources may not be entirely accurate.
Johnny Football as Katniss Everdeen
A Heisman Trophy is comparable to surviving the Games right? Let’s be real, Katniss is a bad ass who, at first look, wouldn’t be picked to succeed in the position she is in. She entered the games as a rebel, having been caught by the Capitol for failing to identify herself as a member of District 12th Man. Following the altercation, she camouflaged herself in an entertaining animal disguise, causing the media viewers at home to doubt her ability in the Games. Now the Capitol has cameramen following her every move and often catch people in maroon shirts chanting "One more year!" as she walks by. The demand of Katniss signed memorabilia has skyrocketed after the Capitol declared it illegal, making it especially valuable due to her increasing likelihood of winning the Games once again.
Kevin Damn Sumlin as Cinna
Cinna’s job is to make Katniss into a winner, and that’s exactly what he did. With a Heisman trophy in one hand and a key to the Johnny Robot storage Unit in the other, Cinna knows success. The brand-new YESSIR™ Visor has been growing in popularity among the Capitol recruits and the Swaggcopter™ is a common sight around Panem skies. Cinna’s favorite client is Katniss without a doubt, and that leads viewers to assume that he would never want to work for any district but District 12th Man. Additionally, most of Katniss’s success in the Games can be attributed to Cinna’s style and commitment.
Mack Brown as Gale Hawthorne
When his best friend and assumed lover left for fame in the Games, Gale became envious. Left behind in the desolate district, he had nothing better to do than to watch Katniss’s success in the Games. Gale took his mind off of Katniss’s new flame by working in the mines, although his skill has declined so greatly that district members are already looking for a replacement. Sources claim that Gale is considering leaving the district.
Manti Te’O as Cato
This career tribute entered the Games as a fan favorite, wooing the audience with his passion, winning attitude, and skill. During the Games, the viewers were saddened to see Cato’s partner die, but he continued to fight hard until the very last minute, when he eventually came up short. After further investigation, it was announced that Cato didn’t enter the Games with a partner, but was actually a single tribute. Rumor has it that Cato’s failure at the Games led him to begin a six year contract with MTV as the host of Catfish, also providing testimonies for various different popular online dating sites.
Oregon as District 8
They are commonly recognized for producing textiles that are always the talk of the Games, although their production has been reduced greatly in recent days. Analysts have related this surprising decline to the opening of duck hunting season and the tendency of reporters around Panem to mistakenly confuse their most known tribute with a popular hotel chain. Besides their unique uniforms specifically manufactured for the Games, their most popular design to date is the "We Want Bama" shirts that are now supposedly being taken off shelves and sewn together in order to create a new tarp. Although the popular tribute is being considered to win the Games this year, statistics show that Katniss is much more likely.
The Big XII as
"The district is now said to be uninhabitable, the ruins supposedly still smoldering from the toxic bombs dropped upon it. While some think there is some hope for this city to rebuild and enter the Games, that is very unlikely."
May the Dodds be ever in your favor
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
Our resident Texas lawyer, MR. JAMES DECKER, reviews some strange Texas laws you might want to avoid this weekend to stay out of trouble.
WHAT TO WEAR
Slanket and lingerie (boxers for the men); almost as good as Hot Cheetos and Takis. This mix is toxic but loved. I promise you won't forget it.
You'll feel sexy while you ponder why ESPN compares all QBs to JFF as Heisman contenders; even though his stats are ridiculous enough to make a Mormon drink. He seriously is that good. I want him to win again because I believe in a dynasty and although I wouldn't let JFF guard my liquor cabinet I will happily let him win some games for me.
Get Ready for Next Week's Roadtrip
- Male Edition
- Lady Edition
- Male Hipster Edition
- Lady Hipster Edition
- Vintage Lady Edition
- Married Male Edition
WHAT TO DRINK
THE JOHNNY HANCOCK
- 3 oz Fernet
- 2 oz Campari
- 1 oz Fernet
- Splash of Coke
CHUG LIKE A MIND ERASER - DO NOT MIX
Tastes like..... Medicine or if you ate the spice pouch of your favorite gumbo.
Why.... Because it is a bye week and getting wrecked is as definite as someone planning their wedding this weekend.
Enjoy the weekend without Aggie Anxiety
PREGAMING THE PREGAME
PREPARE THIS WEEK TO SURVIVE THE LSU ROADTRIP
BY TERRI SIQUEIROS
In case you were unaware, our bye weeks this season were actually scheduled to give us an extra week of preparation before our two biggest challenges.. SEC tailgating at two of the greatest pre-game locations in college football. The Grove was merely a warm-up for the circus we face next weekend in Baton Rouge.
We have yet to lose on the road since joining the SEC and I refuse to accept defeat, even in the form of tailgating.
Here are a few things you can do this week to prepare:
Keep Calm & Acquire Jambalaya
Nevermind the fact that you will probably have no idea what they are saying. True Cajuns are too proud to ever let you leave a tailgate without proving to you that their pastalaya, gumbo and/or fried frog legs (or other various swamp critters) are the best in the south. There are a lot of tailgates. Even if eating a large pizza by yourself in one sitting is part of your weekly routine, it won't help. You should probably just start fasting now to make room for all of the food you're going to try next weekend.
Unfortunately, the drink conversion rate in Louisiana is to take the number of beers you normally shotgun before a game, multiply by 3 and add 1 shot of Southern Comfort per original beer. Unless that number is 0, in which case you have no chance of survival anyway so good luck. DCR = (Beer * 3) + (SC * Beer)
The After Party
If you plan on spending next Saturday evening at any of the fine establishments in the infamous area known as Tigerland, you may want to stop by Foundation Room or Duke's after midnight this weekend to brush up on your best/worst dance moves. Don't forget to practice your soccer-kicks outside the bar before you leave. If you accidentally hit someone, say "in the head," don't worry; you probably won't get kicked-off any team you may be on. And if you do, you can probably still transfer to LSU… but I digress.
Lastly, don't forget to take this time to upgrade (or downgrade, depending on your musical preference) your roadtrip/tailgating playlist. It is custom for all songs (yes, all of them) to be NOLA bounce-remixed.
Good luck & remember, "When in doubt, ratchet out."
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY KELLIE LYNN
Saturday morning rolls in and it's like BYE decided to not even show up, probably because they're playing LSU this weekend too. Crap scheduling on the NCAA's part. Sucks to be BYE. Luckily, we actually don't even consider them a real opponent, so Kyle Field's renovations have started and this game is taking place on the practice field. Those aliens, who didn't show up after the last Bye Week, finally do give back the defensive talents they stole all those years ago. Sunday morning rolls around, Johnny and Mike stumble out of the Rise apartments' lobby looking like the cast of the Hangover. They try piecing together the events of the last 3 days; they can't. They know that it, somehow, started with a hooded figure talking about a vision quest. The rest is a blur. They both know that they've made their decision.
They want one more year.
556. Five. Fifty. Six. So there's that. If we give up any yards this week, we're going to automatically blame Baylor… and Obama.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Johnny decides to head to Tyler for the weekend to play a round of golf at Hollytree and break 3 different course records.
Evans decides to go back to his roots and plays the Men's Basketball game against Rice, posting a triple-double and breaking many single game records.
Sumlin wakes up with hatred in his guy once again. This time, he decides to take it out on USC and gives them a prank call to accept their offer of 6 Million a year, paid via white visors.
Afterwards he sits back, turns on NCAA and continues his franchise with his custom Aggie roster with a 99 overall defense. Everyone else gets some much needed R&R with their Saturday off and gets ready for two tough weeks of road SEC games to close out the season.
Ags - 60
Bye - 0
I hate Bye Weeks more than I hate actual teams. SO IM BRINGING THE HATE THIS SATURDAY. #GBHTailgate
A very BAS Bye Week #GBHTailgate. Bye, Johnny. Bye, Mike. Bye, Seniors. Bye, Kyle Field. Bye, President Loftin. Bye, Coach.
At long last, Aggies have a reason to look at what's happening on Kyle Field and chant "Wreck-ing Crew! Wreck-ing Crew!" #GBHTailgate
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.
Did you know this Saturday is the 100th anniversary of A&M's first ever bye week? That's right, it's our byecentennial. #GBHTailgate
I won't be sharing any of my beer with UTEP fans this weekend. You aren't supposed to provide alcohol to Miners. #GBHTailgate
Aggies beat the bye week earlier this year, but now the bye week has had six weeks to watch film and prepare for Manziel. #GBHTailgate
My five year CD matured this week. #CashinOut! Just kidding, I reinvested it. #LowYieldSecurity! #GBHTailgate