EM. EYE. ESS ESS EYE. ESS ESS EYE. PEE PEE EYE.
UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR
So... how did we get to go to The Grove twice in a row? That seems weird. Are we ready? Hell yes. Damn right. I mean, NO NOT THAT. We can't merely echo last year's Tailgate with the same references when there are far more things on which to pontificate!
Bo Wallace, for instance. Man, this guy is fun! First things first - this guy has great hair. I can't dispute that. The Ole Miss QB's hair has more bounce than the music video for "Twerk" by Lady. I'm not linking to that, y'all just go ahead and Google it.
You may have read reports that Mr. Wallace seems to think his receiving corps is much more skilled than that of Texas A&M. I'd retort, but that comment isn't nearly as absurd as the behavior exhibited by the Ole Miss football team last week at a student production of The Laramie Project.
I can understand young students feeling uncomfortable at a production where the intent is to make the audience grasp the impact of a hate crime. A production like this is put on to take the audience out of their comfort zone. This can be a completely awkward feeling that forces one to confront his or her own prejudices in an intensely personal way. However, the lack of compassion and tact exhibited by the Ole Miss football team is something I won't joke about. I hope one day all of these young men realize the err of their ways and apologize to not only the performers but to all that they offended by their actions. And with that...to the humor.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Kevin Sumlin checks into his Oxford hotel room and begins to set up his hyperbaric chamber. The coach needs his oxygen before a big game. Right as he puts on his sleeping visor, he hears a noise outside the door. It's a...rattling? What is that? He takes two steps toward the door when it explodes.
"COACH! WALLACE LAID DOWN A CHALLENGE!" Mike says, calmly.
"Mike, I thought you were Coach Snyder. Please put down the sedan. I know you're angry. Let's deal with this tomorrow after a good night's sleep." Sumlin is cool, even when his star WR is palming a 5-series BMW like a baseball.
Evans calmly tosses the fine-crafted German automobile out the giant open window, returns to his room and enters a deep, meditative state. Manziel makes popcorn because this is when Evans' tattoos begin to animate.
Ags 35 Rebs 14
WHO'S WHO IN THE CAST
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Villain to the QB: "Cast? No way, man. I got the arm cast off this week. Let's see how many touchdowns I can score with both my hands."
Main Player: "I once directed Glengarry Glen Ross in high school. Instead of protesting the language, the PTA gave me a scholarship."
King: "Mend your speech a little, Lest it may mar your fortunes."--Shakespeare, King Lear
Antihero: This aspiring thespian is known for his flowing locks and poorly-received soliloquies.
Prodigy: A young, exuberant performer, known best for emulating the signature moves of rival player Toney Hurd, Jr.
Audience Engager: his flawless performance on the grand stage in Austin won over the hearts of a nation.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY J.P. 03
Grown. Man. Football.
Did you like what you saw in the second half of that Arkansas game? Call it a natural response to the rainy conditions, call it a Fran-tastic stall tactic to keep the porous Aggie defense off the field, or even call it a deliberate plot to sabotage Johnny Manziel’s Heisman campaign so he has no choice but to come back next year and try to win another one (pretty please?). Regardless, it was awesome watching A&M abandon the up-tempo passing attack in favor of a smash-mouth dismantling of a worn-out Razorback defensive unit. Running play after glorious running play. I haven’t seen a strategy work that brilliantly since Rocky Balboa abandoned his stick-and-move game plan and opted to go toe-to-toe with Clubber Lang until he was too tired to punch back. So if Saturday’s game turns into a shootout, look for ol’ QB1 to take control by screaming, "You ain't so bad!" at the Ole Miss defensive line while switching off between handoffs to Ben Malena and Tra Carson.
Annoying Commercial Overdose
The worst part about the Arkansas game was being incessantly subjected to that horrible Audi commercial. In case you haven't seen the ad in question, let me break it down for you: Woman pulls up to diesel pump in regular, apparently non-diesel-looking car. Everyone around her freaks out, presumably because they correctly assume women are too stupid not to fill up their cars with the wrong type of gas. Ignoring more pressing tasks like peddling lotto tickets to down-on-their-luck meth addicts or not cleaning up that half-inch deep puddle of brown water on the bathroom floor, the clerk bolts outside in slow motion to stop a surefire catastrophe. But don’t worry, folks: turns out our heroine’s got everything under control. She’s driving a TDI!!! One question, though: did no one tell Audi that it’s physically impossible to put diesel fuel in an unleaded gas tank in the United States? Seriously. The nozzles are too big. That seems like something a company full of people who make cars for a living would catch, but what do I know?
"We're Losing Our Coach" Rumors
Immediately upon Lane Kiffin’s late-night dismissal from USC, rumors abounded that CKDS was candidate numero uno on the Trojans’ wish list. In my opinion, Sumlin should take that phone call, listen to the sales pitch, and respond with, "So…yeah…I'd like to come coach for you but my family is kind of in a bind right now...any chance you could hook my parents up with a house if I sign this contract?" before laughing and hanging up. But that’s probably just because I’m a jerk and Sumlin is not. To make matters worse, The Houston Texans’ sudden implosion
and the huge success of Chip Kelly in Philadelphia is leading to a slew of Sumlin-to-the-NFL nonsense. The most laughable rumor of all, though, comes from our good friends down in Austin, who, in case you haven’t been paying attention for the past decade, are entitled to be coached by whomever they want. So, inspired by TexAgs poster SeattleAg97, we’d like to advise those silly Longhorns to aim a little lower. Here are our candidates for their soon-to-be-vacant head coach position:
Okay okay that last one is a joke. Summy ain't leaving his budding empire for the 40 acres. Now excuse me while I take a shower.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY J.P. 03
#25 Missouri at #7 Georgia
I know that LSU/Florida will be the biggest game in the conference this weekend, but what more can I write about that one that hasn’t already been said? Les Miles is crazy! Will Muschamp is angry! An irresistible force (LSU’s offense) meets an immovable object (UF’s defense)! Instead, I’m throwing you a curveball in highlighting Mizzou/Georgia. No, seriously. This game would normally be a blowout except for the fact that UGA keeps losing players to season-ending injuries, with Keith Marshall and Justin Scott-Wesley being the latest victims after last week’s victory over Tennessee. If the Bulldogs can’t replace their production quickly, Missouri could get their first signature SEC win and finally prove that they weren’t the worst conference expansion throw-in since Baylor back when the Big XII was formed. Bless their hearts.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
Last week, Ole Miss big cigarillo Bunkie Perkins answered our questions about gameday attire for The Grove. Naturally, we asked whether we should wear silver or gold buttons on our blazers and he responded, "A blazer is overkill, it'll only be you and fraternity pledges wearing it if you choose to go that route." He is trying to embarrass you, Ags. Everyone is going to be wearing a blazer... men, women, children, and wildlife. Won't you join Aggie luminaries Kevin Sumlin, R. Bowen Loftin, former OC Kliff Kingsbury, and Dr. Norris Camacho in wearing a maroon blazer this weekend? Aggieland Outfitters has a handsome Ferrecci blazer with inside pockets for carrying engraved flasks.
Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 10/9 for a chance to win a maroon blazer from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The Aggies roll into Oxford and pick up the Rebels' nightmare right where it left off. Manziel goes off, throwing the ball like Sumlin is controlling his every move with a PS3 controller. The running game is NSFW. Snyder and the defense beveled-up during the bye week and begin to show a bit more cohesiveness. They control the LOS and force 2 turnovers. Bo Wallace's hair is flat, has split ends.
The team shows ill effects of a bye week and starts off a bit lazy. The game is close for all four quarters and the Aggies barely escape with a last second victory in a bad remake of last year's triumph. Wallace's hair is so good, the refs allow him to play without a helmet.
My mom just called and said she's "kind of proud of me." Thanks for the opportunity @FletcherMassie and @GBHunting. #GBHTailgate
i cant decide whether it's an insult or a compliment to bo wallace that mack brown thought he was worse than case mccoy #GBHTailgate
When I type in goo in the address bar, google isn't the first thing to come up #GBHTailgate
PREDICTION: Ole Miss's halftime show is just Marshall Henderson flicking off the whole stadium for like 8 minutes. #GBHTailgate
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.