I'm back, you pride of ne'er-do-wells. Bye weeks are an opportunity to eat well, read a book, nuzzle a loved one, watch Mother Nature change her wardrobe, and gain perspective hahahaha
I kid. It's a time to double down on your vices and obsessions as you further isolate yourself from a healthy existence. "A hear, hear!" - Howard Schnellenberger.
Gang, we have a mighty tasty batch of games this week replete with potential upsets, fervor, anger, hate, and malaise.
All times Central - we roll tonight to the guitar bite
Thursday, October 10
Rutgers at Louisville (8) | 6:30 PM | ESPN
The inaugural and final rivalry matchup of these American Athletic Conference stalwarts. Louisville continues its march through a schedule of trade schools and Elks Lodges. The last six tilts between the Cardinals and Knights have by settled by a scant three points or less. Tune in to see Jesse Palmer talk wildly with his hands in a dress shirt three sizes too small.
Arizona at USC | 9:30 PM | FOX Sports 1
Southern California bros are going to have to drive fast in their leased BMWs from their valet jobs to the Coliseum. How about the rogue who was reaching out to Tony Dungy and the like for the USC job? Pretty ballsy. I'm not saying Good Bull Hunting is going to engage in such hijinks when the Austin job comes open, but Bill Parcells better sit tight next to that Jitterbug phone.
Saturday, October 12
Missouri (25) at Georgia (7) | 11 AM | ESPNU
TAKE HEED, Mizzou yeomen - Maryland entered the polls last week at No. 25 and was quickly melted down and pawned for a meager sum by Florida State to the tune of 63-0. Never question an enterprising Floridian's methods of shaking a few nickels out of your attic's trash.
Indiana at Michigan State | 11 AM | ESPN2
This game will be played in the parking lot of a Perkins off I-69 and to the winner go all the flapjacks.
Oklahoma (12) vs. Texas (AT DALLAS) | 11 AM | ABC
When Texas fans do that cutesy thing where they say, "it's [insert time] and OU still sucks" the words sophomoric, stupid, and inaccurate come to mind. HARF HARF HARF. It's lame, but at least it's not funny. Do better, Horns.
With all the massacres and whatnot, the shine on this rivalry has worn off considerably. I miss the fights in the West End and the makeshift jails on street corners. Hell, tickets to the game can be found for less than face value. If you've read my drivel over the years, you know how much I loathe neutral site football games. Now, I understand that Horns and Sooners cherish the tradition of playing this game in a dilapidated neighborhood where they can tailgate with carnies and eat fried animal feces, but I have a proposition to spice things up a bit:
Do a four year stint with two games in Austin and two in Norman. I know too many Horns who have never even been to Oklahoma. You need to experience where your foes shit, shower, and shave on a daily basis to truly let hate manifest in your hearts. Sooners need to pull their covered wagons and trailers into Austin so they can listen to a bunch of transplants whine about people moving to their city. I'm not saying the RRS needs to be played on the campuses forever, but do it for a spell and see how y'all feel.
Pittsburgh at Virginia Tech (24) | 11 AM | ESPNU
Look! Pitt isn't all that sucky right now! Remember the name of freshman Pitt WR Tyler Boyd. Kid is a stinkin' gamer.
Iowa State at Texas Tech (20) | 11 AM | FOX Sports 1
Tech is going to be 7-0 when they head to Norman in a couple weeks.
[bro hugs Kliff]
[asks Kliff to sign MANCARD]
Florida (17) at LSU (10) | 2:30 PM | CBS
Can Florida's D ugly things up enough to hang with the revamped Tiger offense? Are Muschamp and Miles going to leg rassle on the 50 yard line? BATTLE OF THE SWAMP PEOPLE.
Boston College at Clemson (3) | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
That No. 3 next to Clemson still looks like a house of cards...
Northwestern (19) at Wisconsin | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
I'm having a hard time forming an opinion here. I like Pat Fitzgerald. Say, did you ever hear the one about the two gay Irishmen? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick?
[shows self out]
Baylor (15) at Kansas State | 2:30 PM | FOX
I like ripping on Baylor as much as the next Ag, but holy hell am I glad we don't play them this year. What they are doing on offense right now is downright criminal. Like Tech, they'll be 7-0 before they face OU. If the Bears survive that test, bite down on the bitter pill that Baylor is going to be in the BCS Title picture.
Oregon (2) at Washington (16) | 3 PM | FOX Sports 1
I dearly want A&M to play a home-and-home with Washington. That stadium is so choice and idyllic. It sits right on the water in beautiful Seattle and after the recent overhaul, it is one of the finest in the country.
Do the Huskies have it in them to keep this close in this rivalry game after a tough late loss to Stanford?
Michigan (18) at Penn State | 4 PM | ESPN
Sit your gramps in front of the tube with this game and a bowl of Grape Nuts. Tell him Eisenhower is still president and that Hawaii is not a state. It is what he would want.
Alabama (1) at Kentucky | 6 PM | ESPN2
Alabama goes on the road to play the Alabama of college basketball.
Texas A&M (9) at Ole Miss | 7:30 PM | ESPN
I'd be fine kicking these fancy boys' asses in The Grove every year.
Cal at UCLA (11) | 9:30 PM | ESPN2
There won't be a more picturesque, half-full stadium in the world on Saturday night.
Drink of the Week:
Oktoberfest in the SEC means drinking bourbon out of Solo cups. If you're going to Oxford this weekend, pack some decent hooch (no need to go more expensive than Four Roses or somesuch) and fellowship with some Rebs. This should go without saying, but no mixing your whiskey with Coke and no cargo shorts. This is a business trip. Act like it.
What are you watching this week? Enjoy the games, gang.