After much rumor and speculation, the College Football Playoff Selection Committee members were announced Wednesday afternoon.
Across the country, football fans immediately breathed a sigh of relief that this process would be entirely transparent-ish and was in no way a cruel joke being played on those who wished for a fair and impartial system.
We have learned that being a member of this committee is an honor that comes with great responsibility, the same as being named Miss Teen America. And like Miss Teen America, should any of these members sit down for a Case McCoy film session or otherwise do anything that would jeopardize their ability to do their job, there is an alternate for each.
In another Good Bull Hunting exclusive, we have gained access to that list of alternate committee members and you can see it only here!
(h/t to the good doctor for his help in compiling this list.)
Bill Snyder, Kansas State Head Coach
Replacement for Barry Alvarez
What better replacement for the best thing to ever happen to Wisconsin than the best thing to ever happen to Kansas State? Not only does Snyder meet the prerequisites of being a crotchety old man and having hired Bret Bielema at some point, he also has stated his platform that any playoff entries should be determined by who knows the proper way to build a lean-to using nothing but what the land give you.
Jon Junker, Former Fiesta Bowl CEO
Replacement for Tom Jernstedt
Jernstedt was a homerun hire for any group looking make big money off of a playoff featuring
indentured servants college football players. Should he flake out, Junker is already well versed in the ins and outs of bleeding universities dry while making shady back alley deals to secure obscene profits used to throw crazy orgies benefit all of college football.
Col. Nathan Jessup, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Replacement for Michael C. Gould
As long as we are including a military officer with only tangential relation to college football, let’s reach for the top shall we? Pro: He knows how to properly motivate his personnel to obtain the results he desires. Con: He doesn't think much of A&M’s white uniforms.
Lane Kiffin, Barrista
Replacement for Pat Haden
Kiffin has made it clear that, should Haden be unable to perform his duties, he will be happy to do the job in return for a place to crash and unlimited plays on the Playoff Committee Galaga machine. All of the high scores are already his, and the initials all say ‘ASS’.
Paul Finebaum, Professional Troll
Replacement for Jeff Long
This committee needs the level headed, unbiased perspective that only PAWL can offer. A second teamer only because of his tendency to select two-loss teams just to get the other committee members arguing, Finebaum – like Jeff Long - has always been happy to tell Arkansas exactly what’s good for them.
Nick Saban, Dark One
Replacement for Oliver Luck
The Playoff Selection Committee is hedging their bets by handcuffing one of the top picks to take up the Mack Brown mantle with someone who is guaranteed to remain just another fantasy deposited by Longhorn fans into a tissue. When asked if his current position as head coach would pose a conflict of interest, Saban glared until all questions were silenced under his terrible gaze.
Craig James, "Sports Personality"
Replacement for Archie Manning
Should Manning be unavailable, the Committee has selected another famous sports persona who knows what it means to provide careful guidance through example in raising a son to the heights of athletic achievement. He is still waiting for ESPN to call him about the "Book of James."
Howard Schnellenberger, Most Interesting Man In The World, Emeritus
Replacement for Tom Osborne
The Playoff Selection Committee is trolling hard by handcuffing the King of All Cornhuskers to the man who made Miami what they were/are/were again/started to be again. The Schnellenstache has stated that the world will remember his selection committee membership, but at the very least they are guaranteed a bowl berth within 2 years.
Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Head Coach
Replacement for Dan Radakovich
Selected only for the fact that their names sorta rhyme, this is nonetheless a coup of a backup selection. With Pop at the helm you can bet your hat that he will pull together this rag-tag bunch of elderly committee statesmen and hobble them together into a working man’s team that is guaranteed to capture your imagination just before it lets you down completely.
Bob Davie, New Mexico Head Coach
Replacement for Ty Willingham
A one-for-one replacement for Willingham, Davie is a fellow head coach whose glory days are far behind him. Conflicts of interest are not a concern as Willingham has as much chance of being head coach of a playoff eligible team as Davie does.
Sarah Palin, Reality TV Star
Replacement for Condoleeza Rice
Woman who has held a position of power in the American government? Check. Quick smile and charming personality? Check. Encyclopedic knowledge of college football? Check, provided that ‘college football’ is a local dialect for ‘hockey and no one cares.’
Spencer Hall, Benevolent Overlord
Replacement for Steve Weiberg
Both sportswriters with a knack for the artistry of the English language, Hall is the vox populi who asks the important questions that inquiring minds want to know. You can have your investigations into athletic department finances, Mr. Weiberg. Orson Swindle has important College Football Playoff business to attend.
Robert Loggia, Badass
Replacement for Mike Tranghese
Because who wouldn’t listen to Robert Loggia?