Do you like football? Do you like Aggies? Do you like the SEC? Do you like scandals involving geriatric men writhing upon coeds? Well have we got a doozy of a game preview for you this week! Our infographic runs deep. So deep. So deep we'll laugh your butt to sleep. Ladies and gentlemen: The Tailgate Week 4.
Fayetteville, Arkansas, AL, USA, Earth
SEC Play resumes this weekend for our beloved Aggies against the Arkansas Razorbacks. This "Uninformed Smack" title is biting me in the ass this week because I think we're all well aware of the Razorbacks here in Aggieland... and then the Petrino incident happened. The Arkansas program has now become an allusion to the oldie but goodie "The Leader of the Pack" (the lead singer of The Shangri-Las was foxy, right?) and everyone is having a field day lining up to throw things at them for it.
Quoth the Cheerleaders from my High School:
They were proud.
They were cocky.
Riding on opponents like a Kawasaki.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Uninformed Smack: I'm going to rev my search engine like Petrino on a Harley. Way too hard. I just need to find an intern. Craigslist? No, let's not get side-tracked. TO THE BIT!
I was under the impression that John L. Smith founded a religion in Utah, but someone told me he coaches football. I hate it when I make mistakes like that. Upon searching for the coach, I found that writing a comedy piece about him would end up sounding far too mean. It's like Terry Crews walking into a 3rd grade classroom, finding the kid that's already being bullied and jumping in. John, seriously, I hope things get better for you. Can't be fun to be in your position right now. I just hope it gets better next week, because this week you're meeting a hungry team who's pissed off at the last three years of messing the bed in competition with your crew a la The Exorcist. Sorry, dude. This can't be your comeback game.
To change it up, I used the Google machine to look up "Fayetteville Arkansas News." Let's get to know what's coming down here. To my surprise, this town is gearing up for a biker rally this weekend. Irony? Sure. Will Petrino be the parade Grand Marshall? You know he's there in spirit. What biker gang doesn't want to hang with a guy out punting his coverage by 5 hotness points and 100 years? He'll be wearing his t-shirt with pride.
In other Fayetteville news, the district recently approved 30 days paid vacation for their Solid Waste Director. Two things: 1) Sweet vacation package, guy. Nice work. 2) Where are you going to put the football team after this weekend? BOOM! BOOM! THAT IS HOW YOU DO A JOKE! SEE WHAT I DID THERE? SOLID WASTE BECAUSE THEY ARE SHITTY THIS YEAR! YOU LOVE IT! JOKES ABOUND!
Prediction: Aggies 35 - Pigs 21
A&M gets over the second half struggles against a team that's come back on them before, John L. Smith passes out brownies at the press conference to ensure the appropriate amount of smiles and giggles during Q&A. Christine Michael unleashes the fury from the second quarter on, emerges with immortality after digesting the souls of 6 Arkansas defenders. Kevin Sumlin takes the Swaggercopter to Japan to recruit the top high school Sumo wrestlers to play DT and OG. The Swaggercopter gets sick gas mileage because Sumlin goes all night. YESSIR.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
#33 Christine Michael, Ex-Tweeter/Starter
His Heisman campaign died in Dallas, his Twitter account died on Monday, and his stranghold on the starting (and backup) job died today. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to be the key to an Aggie victory on Saturday.
#94 Damontre Moore, Mature Quarterback Eater
Not only is he on pace to remove Jacob Green from the top of the single-season sack leaders list (and while we’re at it, set the all-time national sack record), but according to every announcer after every tackle, he’s apparently very, very mature.
Wrecking Crew, Defense of Destiny
The Wrecking Crew is currently ranked 12th nationally in total defense. But before you start claiming that as some omen, destiny, whatever, you should also know that Texas Tech is currently ranked 1st.
#8 Tyler Wilson, Dixie Cup
Like his own head coach, he’s still recoring from a head injury. HEY-OH! Seriously though, where’s Kellen Heard when you need him? Arkansas is a dumpster fire, and Tyler Wilson is the cup of water that’s preventing it from engulfing the entire building.
#11 Cobi Hamilton, Record-Holder
I’m gonna head out on this super sturdy limb here without an ounce of research and say that there’s only one team that has ever found a way to lose a home game to a Big East team while their WR broke an SEC record for single-game receiving yards.
John L. Smith, Temp
You know that feeling when you’re skipping through an orchard, and off in the distance, you see some really, really low-hanging fruit? Your heart races, but as you get closer, you realize that the fruit isn’t even hanging anymore. It’s just been laying on the ground for days and has been trampled over and over and over again? That’s John L. Smith.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME BEING PLAYED ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS
Here's a novel concept: a conference game between divisional opponents actually being played on one of those schools' campus. With the possible exception of our friends to the east and their World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, I'm a staunch opponent of neutral-site games. Especially neutral-site games that involve $40 parking, circa $10 Miller Lite (must…resist…making hot piss joke), and paying a minimum of $85 to sit in the top corner of Jerryworld and watch a game on TV that you could see for free at home. But the recruits eat it up, which is why the Southwest Classic will be resuming in 2014 while we begin our rumored $450 million expansion of Kyle Field. So enjoy the free parking and real grass field while you still can.
From here, my predictions for this weekend get a bit dicey. I foresee one of three scenarios unfolding, which would introduce the following characters into the mix:
STEVE, HEAD OF SECURITY FOR THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
Perhaps you've noticed that this season isn't exactly playing out like Razorback fans originally intended. Frustrations are boiling over, and one gets the sense that one more loss could set the entire powder keg ablaze. Fortunately, over the years there's been one place for frustrated Americans from all walks of life to gather and air their grievances: the set of the Jerry Springer Show. All kinds of disputes, from "I don't care if that DNA test just confirmed I'm the father of your child; I'm with your mom now and we're happy" to "I'm trading my Keds and coloring books for clear heels and glitter"could be resolved in one magical hour.
Sometimes reconciliation was achieved peacefully, but when things got out of hand and fists started flying, we could always count on Steve Wilkos to charge onto the stage to separate defiant teen from concerned parent, Klansman from Black Panther, or jilted customer from midget stripper. And if there's one thing I've learned during our short time in this glorious new conference, it's that Arkansas has the type of fans who will require Steve's calming presence if things go south for the Piggies this weekend.
One team in Saturday's matchup is riding high after hanging a combined 118 points on its last two opponents. The other is licking its wounds after dropping games to Rutgers and Louisiana-Monroe. All signs point to an easy A&M victory, right? As our favorite f-bomb-dropping college football analyst likes to say, "Not so fast, my friend!" Admiral Ackbar has been put on high alert, and he's here to warn us, as only he can, that "It's a trap!" Despite their well-documented internal turmoil, Arkansas is still an extremely talented team. Don't forget that Tyler Wilson was a preseason Heisman candidate, which should worry A&M fans because quarterbacks normally have to wait for their breakout game against the Ags to get that hype train started. Under previous regimes, a date with the Aggies was just what the doctor ordered for a struggling football team, a fact that has Aggie fans everywhere approaching this matchup with extreme caution. Here's hoping for a pleasant surprise from Coach Sumlin and the boys on Saturday.
A VARSITY BLUES-STYLE REVOLT
Of course, there's also the chance that Arkansas really is as screwed up as we think they are. And if John L. Smith is close to losing his team, then there's only one thing left for Tyler Wilson to do: channel his inner Johnny Moxon and lead a full-scale revolt inside the visitors' locker room at halftime. I can already see Knile Davis on a training room table about to have a giant needle stuck in his knee, even though he's not actually injured. Up steps Alvin Bailey threatening to rip Coach Smith's arms off and beat him to death with them if that needle goes anywhere near Davis' leg. And a dramatic conclusion of Wilson telling John L. Smith "I..don't want…your liiiife" over and over again before storming back onto the field without him. By the way, total side note that I learned while reviewing the Varsity Blues locker room scene on YouTube: did you know that the actor who played Billy Bob has lost 348 pounds since that movie came out? Crazy.
OFF THE WOOD: INJURY ASSESSMENT
1. Tyler Wilson (Arky QB)
Still recovering from head injury, but cleared to play. - This is a desperation move made by a coach that wants a head injury excuse. I don't wanna sound like a prude here, but "head injury" usually means "my brain is slightly broken." Look out for your kid.
2. Tevin Mitchel (Arky CB)
Neck injury. Questionable. - Neck injuries lead to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to...suffering. He won't play.
3. Johnathan Mathis (A&M DT)
Mystery injury. Probable. - Ooh, it's like the Dum Dum with all the ?'s on it that usually sucked. That was always the worst at the pediatrician. I wanted root beer.
4. Chris Gragg (Arky TE)
Leg injury. Questionable. - Gragg will play because with a last name like that, you have to be video game boss tough.
PLACE YOUR BETS: VEGAS DON'T KNOW DEM AGS
STATGASM: GO JUMP OFF AN OBSOLETE BRIDGE
IN ANY EVENT: ANSWERING THE QUESTION
IN THE EVENT OF A... WIN
Well, apparently nothing is going on in the City of College Station on Saturday or Sunday, including the game itself, so you’re sort of on your own here. But if you’d like to register for adult tennis or Computer Club for Seniors, that would be highly encouraged. Hang on. HANG ON. I found something. Okay, I'm assuming a win will sell more beer, because you’re going to need to be very, very intoxicated to spend $65 in order to participate in Art By Murder, "a unique three-hour event where you solve a murder and reveal the final solution through a step by step painting." Because who doesn't feel the urge to solve clues and paint in downtown Bryan after standing for 4 hours in the blazing heat?
IN THE EVENT OF A... LOSS
Losing to anyone is painful. But you and I both know that losing 4 straight to this Arkansas team, led by this head coach, is going to unbearable. So get all your energy out before the game, and spend time with God after. Because honestly, all the alcohol in the world ain't gonna fix this. You need to get spiritual, and Derek Webb's brand of edgy tecno-Christianity is just the ticket. I'm actually a huge fan of this guy, and highly recommend it, so consider this my one shameless plug of the season.
IN THE EVENT OF A... TIE
Since they were eliminated in 1996, a tie game is about as rare as being attracted to your own cousin. Things like that happen much more frequently 500 miles north of us in towns that rhyme with "Say it, Dill" and "Fiddle Sock," but marriages between the two are strictly forbidden there. The only way you can get away with it is, wait, WTF, go to Texas?! Okay, well, doing the math here — several dozens of Arkansans travel to Texas with their family Saturday, return home on Sunday — you’re bound to find something fishy going on in a boarded-up, abandoned chapel around town. Look, I’m not just making this stuff up. People are asking the question, and I’m just doing my best to provide an answer.
IN 140-CHARACTER CONCLUSION...
Deleting my twitter ...my close friends know how to reach me n ags love y'all n Thnks for all the support btho arkansas
Sources are telling me John L. Smith has met with NFL officials and is likely to leave Arkansas for a referee position sometime this week.
Last week I called Arkansas a "dumpster fire" and now have to spend the rest of my night driving around apologizing to burned-out dumpsters.
Exciting first day of practice! I can see some steam rising #GYPH
Sources tell OB Arkansas has definitely put out feelers about possibly joining the Big 12, but the B12 votes don't appear to be there yet.