Thankfully for us, college football just isn't that insane. Yes, Appalacian State does sometimes beat Michigan, Baylor sometimes beats Sam Houston State, etc, but for the most part, non-conference games are very, very lopsided. My favorite part of that article is this quote by the Atlanta Journal:
"As a general rule, the only thing necessary for a touchdown was to give a Tech back the ball and holler, 'Here he comes' and 'There he goes.'"
For the good guys, the statsitition (that's stats + competition, y'all) won't pick back up until next week when John L. Smith's crazy comes into Kyle Field. So for now, let's review the Fantasy Fallout™ that we witnessed last week on the Gerald Ford Fantasy Field. I've included some subtle foreshadowing on the right.
Here's a scoring chart for your reference.
Every 25 passing yards: 1 point
Every 10 rushing or receiving yards: 1 point
Every passing touchdown: 4 points
Every rushing or receiving touchdown: 6 points
Rushing or receivering for 100+ yards: 2 points
Throwing for 300+ yards: 2 points
Every sack: 1 point
Every INT or fumble recovery: 2 points
Field goals: Between 3-5 points based on distance
PAT: 1 point
A defense also earns points for holding teams under a certain yardage and point level, and conversely loses points for giving up a ton of each *cough* SMU *cough*. Sorry. Let's take a look...
Swagger Machine (1-0)
QB Johnny Football: 53 points (294 pass, 4 TDs, 124 rush, 2 TDs)
RB Christine Michael: Last-minute Scratch
Flex (RB/WR) Trey Williams: 11 points (42 rush, 16 rec, 1 TD)
WR Ryan Swope: 13 points (70 rec, 1 TD)
WR Mike Evans: 14 points (123 rec)
TE Nehemiah Hicks: 1 point (19 rec)
DEF Wrecking Crew: 10 pts (4 sacks, 1 INT, 309 yds and 3 pts allowed)
K Taylor Bertolet: 5 points (6/7 PATs)
TOTAL: 107 Points
QB Garrett Gilbert: 6 points (203 pass, 1 INT)
RB Zach Line: 15 points (104 rush, 35 rec)
Flex (RB/WR) Jeremy Johnson: 0 points (5 rec)
WR Der'rikk Thompson: 3 points (30 rec)
WR Keenan Holman: 5 points (52 rec)
TE Gehrig Dieter: 2 points (21 rec)
DEF Ponies: -8 Points (2 sacks, 605 yds and 48 pts allowed)
K Chase Hover: 2 points (1/2 FG)
TOTAL: 25 Points
Holy Johnny Football! Fun fact: he would have beaten Florida last week by himself. 53 points is a monster day. And even though it's like comparing apples to dumpsters, take a look at the best fantasy performances by an NFL player since 2000. 53 points slots him right in at #2 behind Clinton Portis's ridiculous 218-yard, 5 touchdown game against the Chiefs in 2003. If you recall, JFF pretty much did to SMU what Michael Vick did to the Redskins two years ago on Monday Night Football. Look, it's impressive, ok? That's all I'm saying.
Gilbert, on the other hand…very…Jay Cutlery. Yes, that'll work.
Now 2-0, we must prepare valiantly for the mighty Bulldogs of South Carolina. Oh, State? Oh. Well, just "prepare" then.
Swagger Machine (2-0)
QB Johnny Football (Showers would also be a decent play here with plenty of garbage-time points to be had)
RB Christine Michael
Flex (RB/WR) Trey Williams
WR Ryan Swope
WR Mike Evans
TE Nehemiah Hicks
DEF Wrecking Crew
K Taylor Bertolet
My Buddy, My Buddy
QB Richard Cue
RB Jalen Simmons
Flex (RB/WR) Caleb Davis (WR)
WR Lennel Elmore
WR Tyler McDonald
TE Dwight Brannon
DEF Poor, Poor Bulldogs
K Nick Belcher (giggle)
Hide your women and calculators, fellas. It's gonna get messy out there.