Kevin C. Cox
Here is a Viewer's Guide for your SEC bowl games. Stay thirsty, you filthy animals.
While many conferences are wrapping up their bowl seasons, the SEC's slate of contests is yet to begin. New Year's Eve brings the kickoff for the league featuring Vandy and LSU. Here's to going 8-1 in bowl season (I can't pull for Bama for personal reasons). Without further ado, your SEC BOWLAPALOOZA.
All times Central - here's to 2013 being an even more fattened calf
Monday, December 31
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
North Carolina State vs. Vanderbilt | 11 AM | ESPN
Favorite: Vandy -7.5
Announcers: Carter Blackburn, Rod Gilmore, Jemele Hill
What to know: our conference brethren with the trust funds and sofistikashun is on a nice run. Vandy has won six straight and have outscored opponents by an average of 24 points per game. Coach and Wife-Judge James Franklin just inked a new long term deal and the Dores continue to progress. All the meanwhile, NC State has axed Tom O'Brien and replaced him with Northern Illinois' Dave Doeren.
I'm pretty sure Carter Blackburn, Rod Gilmore, and Jemele Hill were original members of the Fugees.
What to sip: Black Velvet. It's New Year's Eve. You need something to celebrate that will also provide an ample base before blacking out all of 2012 no matter how good it may have been. Guinness and champagne - an Irish brawler and a French whore. It was meant to be. (Tom O'Brien is the Irish brawler).
Clemson (14) vs. LSU (8) | 6:30 PM | ESPN
Favorite: LSU -6
Announcers: Mike Patrick, Ed Cunningham, Jeannine Edwards
What to know: Tigers. Death Valleys. Les. Dabo. This one is going to be a big time - probably because Mike Patrick demands such. Clemson gets to face another SEC elite defense, and the LSU front will give Tajh Boyd all he can handle. I'd watch a drama/comedy that featured Good Cop Dabo and Bad Cop Les situated in Atlanta. I once ate Chick-fil-A for five consecutive meals.
What to sip: It's the evening of New Year's Eve. Put on a cummerbund over your jersey and slug some Johnnie Walker Black out of a Styrofoam cup.
Tuesday, January 1
TAXSLAYER.com Gator Bowl
Northwestern (20) vs. Mississippi State | 11 AM | ESPN2
Favorite: Pick ‘em
Announcers: Bob Wischusen, Danny Kanell, Allison Williams
What to know: You're hungover. I don't know what a Wischusen is, but Danny Kanell's voice is no help when you feel like the taste of water will make you vomit your way into a hospital bed. This game starts the fun annual tradition of the SEC decimating vagrant B1G teams in sunny, trashy Florida.
What to sip: ever been to one of those Bloody Mary bars where they give you a tumbler of vodka and they have a spread with all the fixins? I'm talking shrimp, pepperoni, sport peppers, guilt, Zing Zang, and pickles? A delight. Mine ends up being some alcoholic gumbo slurry gazpacho.
Michigan (18) vs. South Carolina (10) | 12 PM | ESPN
Favorite: South Carolina -5.5
Announcers: Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, Shannon Spake
What to know: Spurrier has been ducking out of tee times with Brady Hoke all week because Brady is "a weekend hack that has found a way to sweat through Dri-Fit shirts". Gruden is calling the game. If he is wearing a tie that matches your school's colors, it means it is a lock he'll coach there. #science. When the founders of Outback crafted their business model, I'm pretty sure Jon Gruden was the EXACT type of guy they had in mind for their target customer. "THIS Bloomin' Onion has the moxie to make it in the NFL, boy." Outback is NOT for Michigan Men.
What to sip: the remaining alcohols from glasses strewn about from the night before ala Spaulding Smails. It isn't pretty, but neither is the Big 10.
Capital One Bowl
Nebraska (16) vs. Georgia (7) | 12 PM | ABC
Favorite: Georgia -9
Announcers: Rece Davis, Jesse Palmer, David Pollack, Samantha Steele
What to know: Sam Steele is married :( but not to Jesse Palmer :) but to a guy named Christian :(. Taking Georgia to cover feels like some free money, doesn't it? That Georgia O is going to maim Corn. Even Gandhi hates Bo Pelini.
What to sip: Gatorade (low calorie for health) and domestic tallboys.
Wednesday, January 2
Allstate Sugar Bowl
Florida (3) vs. Louisville (21) | 7:30 PM | ESPN
Favorite: Florida -14
Announcers: Sean McDonough, Chris Spielman, Quint Kessenich
What to know: Charlie Strong is meeting up with his old Gatah buddies in New Orleans. The Gators are looking to notch their fifth straight win in a BCS bowl. Because the BCS is a Marxist machine, Louisville gets to participate despite losses to Syracuse and UConn.
What to sip: a Hurricane. I make mine with whiskey and ice and Bob Dylan's "Hurricane".
Friday, January 4
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Oklahoma (11) vs. Texas A&M (9) | 7:00 PM | FOX
Favorite: A&M -3.5
Announcers: Gus Johnson, Charles Davis, Julie Alexandria, Petros Papadakis
What to know: GBH has produced some shit, but we've never lost a THE TAILGATE. Read that. We get Gus commentating Johnny Football, so that should be subdued and measured.
What to sip: maroon Kool Aid spiked with Tito's! Get sloshed and come tell bad jokes in our open thread. Non-Ags welcome too.
Saturday, January 5
BBVA Compass Bowl
Ole Miss vs. Pitt | 12 PM | ESPN
Favorite: Ole Miss -3.5
Announcers: Eamon McAnaney, David Diaz-Infante, Paul Carcaterra
What to know: this game is not a BCS game.
What to sip: Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty, Who the hell are we, Hey! Flim Flam, Bim Bam OLE MISS BY DAMN!'
Monday, January 7
Discover BCS National Championship
Notre Dame (1) vs. Alabama (2) | 7:30 PM | ESPN
Favorite: Alabama -9.5
Announcers: Brent Musburger, Kirk Herbstreit, Heather Cox
What to know: if you don't watch this, you support terrorism. Can't help but think what could've been for A&M this season. Here's to 2013.
What to sip: everything in your liquor cabinet. For college football ends tonight and so do we.
Use the comments section as your Open Thread to crack wise and discuss our almighty league's bowl games. Enjoy the games, gang. After this, we trudge through Hell together - AKA the offseason.