Brett Davis-US PRESSWIRE
November is upon us in the year of our Lord and His college football that he has so graciously bestowed on us sickening cretins. I’ve been dubbing November 3rd Demolition Derby Day for some time now. Do Trojans and Tigers shake this whole mess up? Read on for Sport Illustrated for Kidz analysis.
All times Central - it's getting cold. Thicken the gravy and winter coats. RIP elastic waistbands.
Thursday, November 1
Eastern Michigan at Ohio | 5 PM | ESPNU
Virginia Tech at Miami (FL) | 6: 30 PM | ESPN
Middle Tennessee at Western Kentucky | 8:15 PM | ESPNU
Look what you've done with yourselves, ACC. It didn't have to be like this. So much promise, such good academics. And here you are - two of your flagship football programs that I'll be neglecting to watch MACtion and Sun Beast. For shame, ACC, for shame. Stop bleeding the trust fund, get into rehab, and find a productive hobby that preferably helps you win football games.
Kudos to the MAC kids for pulling themselves up by the union bootstraps and howdy to the Sun Beasts for continuing the art of turning corn mashes into a tasty cash cocktail.
Friday, November 2
Washington at Cal | 8 PM | ESPN2
The Huskies are one of the more peculiar 4-4 teams you'll ever see. They have two wins over Top 10 teams and two losses against Top 10 teams by more than 30 points. Nice win over undefeated Oregon State this past weekend after getting drilled by Arizona.
Jeff Tedford is about to get fired. Cal fans will try to make sure his corpse is compostable.
Saturday, November 3
Missouri at Florida (7) | 11 AM | ESPN2
Oddly enough, this is Florida's final SEC game. Once in the driver seat to represent the East in Atlanta, the Gators must now wait. The Gators had four turnovers leading into last weekend's tilt against Georgia. A nice, shiny asset right there. Like a Florida man's gold bracelet. But the Gators turned the ball over six times, and viewers at home were treated to 50 shades of blood orange Muschamp.
I was bullish on Mizzou leading into the season. I thought they had a chance to compete in what looked to be a wide open East division. The Tigers have been awfully bad. They've been boatraced by Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama and even lost to Vandy at home. In sad Big 12 fashion, they beat Kentucky (football) and made a t-shirt to commemorate the event. This was the Mizzou team that had players mocking the SEC via Twitter before the season. Let's just say it's basketball season in Columbia.
Oklahoma (12) at Iowa State | 11 AM | ABC
The last time Iowa State beat the Sooners I had just received my driver's license. I'll let you spitball a guess on how long ago that actually was.
Not an easy assignment for OU this weekend. They come off a big letdown loss against the Irish at home and have to follow it up with a trip for an 11 AM game in Ames. You better believe Rhoads' men will be ready to ugly up a game and get nasty.
Temple at Louisville (10) | 11 AM | ABC
I won't stop beating this drum. The Cardinals have absolutely no business being near the Top 10. This week's run in the gauntlet? Temple. Temple who just lost to Pitt by 30. And yet, the voters are sheep. They'll marvel at a glistening 9-0 record without doing three minutes of research to realize this team is so fantastically average.
Texas A&M (16) at Mississippi State (15) | 11 AM | ESPN
Ah, speaking of two teams that would both beat the hell out of Louisville. I was in Starkville for a wedding about two years ago (the year Auburn won the MNC). It was a lovely time. I enjoyed the people and campus tremendously. Anyway, after being at our hotel for a couple hours, I discovered that I was staying at the very hotel where Cecil Newton tried to sell son Cameron to Mississippi State! I was insatiably enthralled. I couldn't get enough. While eating the continental breakfasts, I would scan the room and try to envision where the deal was going down. I hassled the front desk lackeys. I had to dig up the details. You never know when an SEC subpoena is coming your way and I wanted to be ready. Naturally, I spent most of the wedding chatting up townies over bourbons about where the deal turned south. Heed my words: be careful chatting up Bulldogs about Cam Newton over bourbon. The wedding was lovely.
TCU at West Virginia (21) | 2 PM | FOX
The new girlfriends of the Big 12 that took our place. They seem kind of trashy and slutty. I think one has a family tree lacking branches and one has a coke problem. Skanks.
Ole Miss at Georgia (6) | 2:30 PM | CBS
Look at Georgia sneakily shaping into form. 7-1 with a defense making big foot strides is nothing at which to scoff. The defense is littered with first day draft picks, but they'd been tagged with the sickening scarlet letter of "S" for soft. That was erased in a large way against physical, rival Florida in Jacksonville. The Dawgs held the Gators to nine points and forced the aforementioned six turnovers. Jarvis Jones led the way and scared all the onlookers with 13 tackles, three sacks, two forced fumbles, and two fumble recoveries. Useful.
Ole Miss has had a nice run to build upon in Coach Freeze's first year. It hasn't been pretty at all, but the Rebels are fighting to go to a bowl game and are only one win away. November is horrid with three games coming against Top 15 teams. 6-6 would be a step in the right direction.
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame (3) | 2:30 PM | NBC
It's no secret. I have very strong allegiance to the Irish. I was beaming on Saturday. That said, I remember 1993 like it was yesterday. I remember #2 Notre Dame knocking off #1 Florida State and then losing the next week to lowly Boston College. I almost drove a car into a monastery. I did not have my driver's license.
The Irish need some style. They tend to come out a bit flat at home. This needs to be a bit of a statement. Defensive coordinator Bob Diaco should be drinking free Jameson in South Bend until further notice.
Texas (23) at Texas Tech (18) | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
Yes, that is a number next to Texas because people are lazy. Mack Brown has heralded each quarterback he's faced in this meat grinder of a conference slate as Heisman contenders. That sure is complimentary, but the Horns are also last in the league in rush defense. It has been over two years since the Longhorns beat a ranked opponent. Be glad this one isn't at night in Lubbock.
Raiders in double digits.
Oregon (4) at USC (17) | 6 PM | FOX
This is a real pickle for Notre Dame fans. They need to root for USC. The vile, disgusting, Kiffin-led Trojans.
Remember Matt Barkley? Poor guy keeps piling up numbers and still loses. He's turning over the ball though, too. Kiffin thinks Oregon is the best team in the country. Makes me pretty steamed, because I agree. I have Oregon at No. 1 in my SB Nation BlogPoll. Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota has been lethal against admittedly average to poor defenses. The Ducks cruise. They make you uncomfortable, mismatch you, and they take it to the house. Spread it a bit with Kenjon Barner and De'Anthony Thomas and it is damn near impossible to defend.
The Trojans are going to come out pissed, but the Ducks are going to win this easily. The USC defense can't run with the Ducks for four quarters.
Clemson (13) at Duke | 6 PM | ESPN2
Duke is probably going to play for their conference title game. In football. Nothing is real in the world anymore.
Alabama (1) at LSU (5) | 7 PM | CBS
Why I never. Have these teams played in their history? Biggest game of the millennium of the day on CBS. Uncle Verne and Dick Danielson will be in Death Valley at night to scold no-huddle offenses and integration in football. I jest. We finally get to see if a high quality opponent can bog down that union-made, well-oiled cog that is Alabama football.
If you're a dude, do you remember what you were like between the ages of 18-22? The average male in that age bracket is deplorable. It's the worst segment of humans on earth. They're erratic, selfish, immature, irresponsible, and lacking a speck of foresight. Somehow, Sultan Saban gets 100 of them (many entitled and coddled) to commit to "The Process". It's unbelievable.
Anyhow, Zach Mettenberger's head might be on a pike in Tuscaloosa after the beat down in Baton Rouge. Can the Aggies throw a scare into the Tide? Hmmmm stay tuned for more jackassery next week.
Oklahoma State (24) at Kansas State (2) | 7 PM | ABC
Oklahoma State is quietly righting the ship and is a dangerous opponent for Collin Klein and company in Manhattan. Get ready for a thousand stupid jokes about Manhattan, Kansas versus Manhattan, New York when Klein is invited to the Heisman ceremony. Farm roads will be compared to Broadway. If Rick Reilly is involved, it is can't-miss humor.
Arizona State at Oregon State (11) | 9:30 PM | ESPN2
This is your nightcap. Do with it as you please. Halloween is for children.
Drink of the Week:
- Take a quarter of an unwaxed lime and squeeze into a highball glass
- Add a measure of The Famous Grouse scotch ("measure" is science speak for country club pour)
- Add lots of ice
- Add nice ginger beer
I have red hair. I don't love the term ginger, but I love Grouse. This is a nice fall sip.
One or more of the top four undefeated are going to lose this month. Who's it going to be? What did I miss? Enjoy the games, gang.